FastSaying

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.


George Carlin

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JENNY HAN I never thought of myself as a comedian. That is a label - make me laugh. I want to make you think.
BASSEM YOUSSEF Me, myself, I was a part of gang bangin', you know what I'm sayin'?
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STEVE MARTIN Let me tell you something. That first game, they're going to be like a deer (in headlights), no matt...
SYLVESTER CROOM He must have come to about six shows and even watched a couple of them, and I have to say the finish...
KEN DODD I have good and bad days like everyone else. I just try to be positive and surround myself with grea...
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SUMMER HINES People tell me how do they want you.. and I JUST DO STUFF... I JUST DO IT... THAT'S A FACT!
DEYTH BANGER Questions, I've got some questions
I want to know you
But what if I could ask you only one...
JACK JOHNSON Jenny, she's aw weet, peer body, Jenny's like to cry; For she hes weet her petticoats In...
MISS SUSANNA BLAMIRE AND MISS CATHERINE GILPIN I like all types of women. I accept them as they are when they come into my life... But I'm not ...
NAYVADIUS CASH Whatever you do, don’t feel sorry for me. I know it’s the best you can do. Life hasn’t hit you...
JACQUELYN NICOLE DAVIS Every time hes supposed to be here, hes showed up,
BRENDA JONES I was lucky. A lot of people have that. People that don't tell you what you want to hear, but wh...
KEVIN LOVE D.B. asked me what I thought about all this stuff I just finished telling you about. I didn't know w...
J.D. SALINGER Hey, it's been a great ride for me, a great life. Everything I have I owe to baseball. Baseball ...
DON ZIMMER I don't have people following me around, like bodyguards. I don't know how people live like ...
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BRITNEY SPEARS He went before or after me. I'll say before, I don't want you to tell me (just) any name, I want you...
HAMID HAYAT I don't make myself work. It's just the thing I want to do. To be completely alone in a room, to kno...
WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS George,” said Fred, “I think we’ve outgrown full-time education.”
“Yeah, I’ve been ...
J.K. ROWLING Just tell me what's so irritating."(katsu)
That's none of your damn business!"(kyok)
Maybe...
NATSUKI TAKAYA I thought how you can never tell just by looking at them what they were thinking or what was happeni...
DAVID ALMOND I think, in some ways, I like it when people tell me what they're thinking. I would rather have ...
BRIAN LAMB I know you're feeling worried,
But I promise I'm okay.
You think I'm missing all the fun,<...
MARGO T. ROSE Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me....
LOUIS C.K. God is always on time, it may not be the time you are expecting, but hes on time. Just like he said ...
ARTHLENE LAUDAT LAWRENCE My therapist told me I need to learn to love myself. It sounds easy enough, but really, how do you j...
STEPHANIE KLEIN You did something to me, I don't know what it was but I do know that I don't want to lose you. You a...
MAHMOUD EL HALLAB I know you'll think this is crazy, but all I want to do is hold you, and I think that if you'll let ...
DAVID GUTERSON You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's no...
SAM KINISON Trust is really important, just in relationships in general. I really don't like people that aren't ...
BEYONCE KNOWLES You may like me, but I don't, so please just go away, for I want nothin' to do with you.
TOMMY POLO There's nothing like privacy. You know, I like people. It's nice that they might like my books and a...
CHARLES BUKOWSKI People are always coming up to me, thinking I've got some magic wand that can make them a star a...
DR. DRE Well, I'm kinda like George Carlin. I think that there ought to be a time where everybody should...
MERLE HAGGARD A really great reception makes me feel like I have a great big warm heating pad all over me. People ...
JUDY GARLAND I saw you, and I wanted to be close to you. I wanted you to let me in. I wanted to know you in a way...
BECCA FITZPATRICK Why should I wait until tomorrow to tell you something that I will tell you every day? I know you li...
MARSHALEE PATTERSON I want to tell them thank you for all this stuff and that I am gonna make it up for them and try to ...
DAVID BARNETT My guys always make you assume they're playing worse than they are. I think they do that because I t...
JIM CORBIN I just want you to know that where ever life takes you, I'll always be happy for you as long as its ...
JONATHAN ANTHONY BURKETT You just, like, hate yourself? You hate being yourself?"
"There's no self to hate. It's like, ...
JOHN GREEN There are no rules when it comes to love. I just try to let love surprise me because you never know ...
TAYLOR SWIFT I am thinking of one person and one person only, and that's Shane Mosley. You (media) take my words ...
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JOANNA MANSELL There's just a lot of stuff that really moves me, and I don't know how to express it, and I ...
CAT POWER I saw you, and I wanted to be close to you. I wanted you to let me in. I wanted to know you in a way...
BECCA FITZPATRICK Yeah, I like to have fun - I think that's a good way to live. I think you're better at your ...
GARRET DILLAHUNT You scare me, Ryan Daley. Even more than those demons outside that scream for my death. How is it th...
REBECCA LIM George!' [Horace] said, the relief evident in his voice. 'Are you all right?'
'No! I am not!' G...
JOHN FLANAGAN If you sit down and think about it sensibly, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: wh...
NEIL GAIMAN After a great win like that, you don't want everyone to scatter. I wanted to get everybody together ...
LEBRON JAMES Well it's not really a mystery. It was the day I met you, that's when. You've changed me, Rook. You ...
J.A. HUSS People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, ...
JUSTIN HALPERN When I made it, I still didn't wave the flag and say, Yeah go Asian people. I do want people to know...
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KIEFER SUTHERLAND I feel unspeakably lonely. And I feel - drained. It is a blank state of mind and soul I cannot descr...
ANNE SEXTON You people are telling me what you think I want to know. I want to know what is actually happening.
CREIGHTON ABRAMS You people are telling me what you think I want to know. I want to know what is actually happening.
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ESTHER EARL When people say 'I want to be like you', I tell them if you want to be like me then be yourself.
MARILYN MANSON I have something to tell you."

"How, you have something to tell me?"

"You have...
STEVEN BRUST But it just makes me tired even thinking about it. It reminds me of that feeling I had before I left...
MAGGIE STIEFVATER I want a brood, you know. I'd like to have a little soccer team and a minivan and all that stuff...
TAYLOR KINNEY This is me, Ana. All of me...and I'm all yours. What do I have to do to make you realize that? To ma...
E.L. JAMES He was always worrying about me – even when we were kids. If I scraped my knee or fell off my bike...
SARAH OCKLER Your crazy makes my crazy make sense.”
“That makes absolutely no sense at all.”
�...
LINDY ZART The only good teachers for you are those friends who love you, who think you are interesting, or ver...
BRENDA UELAND Do you want me to leave?' 'What? No fuckin' way do I want you to leave. What I want is for you to re...
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DUFF GOLDMAN I want to have the heart and mind of a queen,” she whispered. “I want it more than anything. But...
KRISTIN CASHORE I hope there is nothing about me that people have a big problem with. You know, I like to think of m...
CHRISTINE QUINN All I can tell them is pick a good one and sock it. I get back to the dugout and they ask me what it...
BABE RUTH I kept walking. Have you ever done that? Just walk. Just walk and have no idea where you're going? I...
MARKUS ZUSAK You make me tremendously happy to hold me undivided - to let me be the artist, as it were, and yet n...
HENRY MILLER My name is Cammie!” I didn’t think about all the people I could have woken, all the alarms that ...
ALLY CARTER People tell me I shouldn't smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same arg...
ROBERT CLARK And she says she wants to expose me to all these great things. And to tell you the truth, I don't re...
STEPHEN CHBOSKY I'm all about showing people that I'm a little messed up, I have a lot of the same problems ...
GABRIEL IGLESIAS Any time you sincerely want to make a change, the first thing you must do is to raise your standards...
ANTHONY ROBBINS You just have to stay focused in school, and no matter what happens, let this go. And you can't worr...
JAWANN MCCLELLAN Do you have kids?" Anna asks.
I laugh. "What do you think?"
"It's probably a good thing," ...
JODI PICOULT I just want to let you know that I love you all. Even those of you that I don't like; that's you Ber...
DEREK LANDY The writing process is more... it becomes a case of more like a diary for me. I mean, I write stuff ...
CHRISTINA MILIAN Is it needy? It's not. We don't need each other. We just really, really enjoy each other. And we're ...
EMMA FORREST Aw, man, it was a horrible feeling leaving the stadium like that. It's definitely not something you ...
DENNIS DAVIS I don't have a problem with it. I just want to know how it's all going to work. Is Theo going to be ...
GREG DIXON

More George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they...
GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
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GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
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GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
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GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
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GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
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GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN