My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLER You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLER I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLER We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the ...
PHYLLIS DILLER If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
PHYLLIS DILLER I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.&...
PHYLLIS DILLER Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops ...
PHYLLIS DILLER Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLER Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLER A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops sno...
PHYLLIS DILLER My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor
PHYLLIS DILLER If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
PHYLLIS DILLER We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next...
PHYLLIS DILLER If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
PHYLLIS DILLER Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
PHYLLIS DILLER What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLER The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in p...
PHYLLIS DILLER There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
PHYLLIS DILLER A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLER You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoo...
PHYLLIS DILLER My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, ran...
PHYLLIS DILLER The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
PHYLLIS DILLER I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done...
PHYLLIS DILLER I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
PHYLLIS DILLER I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
PHYLLIS DILLER My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, ra...
PHYLLIS DILLER His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
PHYLLIS DILLER If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done...
PHYLLIS DILLER My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, ran...
PHYLLIS DILLER My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
PHYLLIS DILLER Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off
PHYLLIS DILLER Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't...
PHYLLIS DILLER I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard
PHYLLIS DILLER There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto
PHYLLIS DILLER Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, ...
PHYLLIS DILLER Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out
PHYLLIS DILLER Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parent...
PHYLLIS DILLER What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day
PHYLLIS DILLER Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator
PHYLLIS DILLER It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser
PHYLLIS DILLER Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn’t do this I sent the ki...
PHYLLIS DILLER If that's the best joke in the world, then I've never had a face-lift.
PHYLLIS DILLER He was in the air most of the time ... on the air, in the air, one way or the other. It was his thin...
PHYLLIS DILLER For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move
PHYLLIS DILLER My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me
PHYLLIS DILLER Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up o...
PHYLLIS DILLER Our dog died from licking our wedding picture
PHYLLIS DILLER Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLER There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to l...
PHYLLIS DILLER I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass
PHYLLIS DILLER His finest hour lasted a minute and a half
PHYLLIS DILLER You know you're old if your walker has an airbag
PHYLLIS DILLER You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type
PHYLLIS DILLER I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing
PHYLLIS DILLER I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard.
PHYLLIS DILLER Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops...
PHYLLIS DILLER I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 ...
PHYLLIS DILLER You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
PHYLLIS DILLER I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops...
PHYLLIS DILLER It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core
PHYLLIS DILLER Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed
PHYLLIS DILLER No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they’re early, so naturally you’re not ready.
PHYLLIS DILLER It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
PHYLLIS DILLER The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at yo...
PHYLLIS DILLER A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter ho...
PHYLLIS DILLER We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next ...
PHYLLIS DILLER I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLER It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be ...
PHYLLIS DILLER Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Ye...
PHYLLIS DILLER A smile is a curve that sets things right.
PHYLLIS DILLER Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance.
PHYLLIS DILLER Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spre...
PHYLLIS DILLER Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
PHYLLIS DILLER Money's scarce
Times are hard
Here's your fucking
Xmas card
PHYLLIS DILLER We need an unambiguous rule - a law - that nobody will step between the publisher and the consumer, ...
BARRY DILLER People, me included, have a truly emotional thing about this iPad.
BARRY DILLER There's no way you can predict what is going to happen in six months or two years in most busine...
BARRY DILLER I'm just saying if you want to reach large audiences, then rely on professionals, meaning people...
BARRY DILLER Sometimes it seems like there's more footnotes than text. This isn't something we're pro...
BARRY DILLER Aereo is the first potentially transformative technology that has the chance to give people access t...
BARRY DILLER I never thought I was a very good manager.
BARRY DILLER You really want to get a headache? Try to understand Internet advertising.
BARRY DILLER Hollywood is a community that's so inbred, it's a wonder the children have any teeth.
BARRY DILLER Ticketmaster does not set prices. Live Nation does not set ticket prices. Artists set ticket prices.
BARRY DILLER I like businesses in transition, first of all. If ever there were a business in transition, it is pu...
BARRY DILLER Broadcasting began, essentially, in the hands of very, very few players - actually two - and when te...
BARRY DILLER What's happened to broadcasting is that broadcasting really used to be... it used to have a very...
BARRY DILLER I'm sure there are some commercial applications for Twitter, but they don't really interest ...
BARRY DILLER Companies like GE and Procter & Gamble have been in business for a long time. Over decades or a ...
BARRY DILLER If you're going to run a public company, be absolutely certain of what the parameters are, what ...
BARRY DILLER The entertainment business hasn't had a new idea in years.
BARRY DILLER If we're going to talk about our businesses, we're going to have to talk about them within t...
BARRY DILLER The world is changing. Networks without a specific branding strategy will be killed. I envision a wo...
BARRY DILLER This is a world in which reasons are made up because reality is too painful.
BARRY DILLER No one can solve an issue where there is no economic model yet.
BARRY DILLER What I've learned over the years is that focus and singular purpose is the best approach for bus...
BARRY DILLER We want to be able to sell you anything, anywhere, any time you want it.
BARRY DILLER Napster has pointed the way for a new direction for music distribution, and we believe it will form ...
BARRY DILLER Now along comes the potential creative destruction brought by a different distribution methodology, ...
BARRY DILLER I still believe in synergy, but I call it natural law.
BARRY DILLER Twenty years ago, there were dozens and dozens of independent television producers. There are a coup...
BARRY DILLER Sometimes it seems like there's more footnotes than text. This isn't something we're proud of, and o...
BARRY DILLER Results for the quarter and year are better than good; superb execution is the reason.
BARRY DILLER While we fully expect continued strength in our operations going forward, course correcting adaptati...
BARRY DILLER I can't imagine that there'll be any disruption of any kind, in any area, on any level or in any par...
BARRY DILLER He recently told me he felt he had completed the (organization plan) and wanted at some soon point t...
BARRY DILLER This places all the necessary ingredients for electronic information and commerce, from 'old' soup t...
BARRY DILLER Terry's a thoughtful, intelligent man and he did not take his media imperialist roots to Sunnyvale. ...
BARRY DILLER This places all the necessary ingredients for electronic information and commerce, from 'old' soup t...
BARRY DILLER We're ready to compete. We're very serious about this. Search evolves. We have a product that I thin...
BARRY DILLER We are all prepared to meet with the special committee and its legal and financial advisors at your ...
BARRY DILLER It's almost going to look like a hood ornament on top of that big rocket. We want to give it a lot o...
GEORGE DILLER There are no leaks in the hangars and the doors are sandbagged. The Pluto spacecraft is doing fine.
GEORGE DILLER The world is changing…Networks without a specific branding strategy will be killed…I envision a wo...
BARRY DILLER New York's ability on into the future to remain the communications capital is really questionable.
BARRY DILLER You're going to get an early pop from any advertising campaign. The real issue is whether we can ret...
BARRY DILLER The American public tunes in every night hoping to see two people screwing. Obviously, we can't give...
BARRY DILLER We have gotten a reputation. People can see a good country show close up and also see the carnival a...
BILL DILLER The old-timers knew where their roots were, where they got their start and they like to interact wit...
BILL DILLER Most county fairs today, even bigger fairs, don't have the quality of country entertainment we have ...
BILL DILLER Facebook's the real deal. Nobody can buy Facebook now. Everybody has taken an angle at it. But F...
BARRY DILLER Who ever knows what will happen with the economy, and will it affect the Internet? There's so mu...
BARRY DILLER I don't have answers for anybody else. What I know is that internal complexity makes for superfi...
BARRY DILLER The business model for content is to be paid for it. You can be paid for it either though advertisin...
BARRY DILLER Surveying for the deepest insights into the mysterious evolution of Mars!
GEORGE DILLER They're good to go, ... They've given us the green light to proceed.
GEORGE DILLER We don't know exactly what happened to it, but we know not to fly with it
GEORGE DILLER There are long faces here in the control center and around the site. Everybody was so looking forwar...
GEORGE DILLER It will take some time really to understand what to do to remedy the situation.
GEORGE DILLER We're looking at all the wiring on the entire vehicle from the nose to the tail. We're trying to do ...
GEORGE DILLER Fortunately it's not moving toward any of our facilities.
GEORGE DILLER It's a very rainy day here. We can't see that it's gotten into anything yet.
GEORGE DILLER We anticipate being open for regular business on Tuesday.
GEORGE DILLER People have paid for content. They always have.
BARRY DILLER I've always said AOL is great opportunity for somebody.
BARRY DILLER What interests me is starting businesses on our own, finding ideas that we can support, and simply i...
BARRY DILLER If you're going to sell stock and somebody wants to buy it at a price and that price is not a pr...
BARRY DILLER I absolutely believe the Internet is passing from its free days into a paid system. Inevitably, I pr...
BARRY DILLER The only way anyone's going to succeed is to build the product.
BARRY DILLER I don't want to set the world up for surprises.
BARRY DILLER The directories businesses still make nothing but money. They're overleveraged, they're bank...
BARRY DILLER Urbanspoon is a nice, little application and it's perfect, of course, for CitySearch because of ...
BARRY DILLER Since I was in my early twenties, at ABC, I was always only interested in things that were not alrea...
BARRY DILLER We have a tax code whose complications and levels of unfairness and levels of choosing people to giv...
BARRY DILLER What we need to do is replace the entire tax code. I do not think it makes sense to say, 'Let...
BARRY DILLER The ability for consumers to receive broadcast over the air signal is their right.
BARRY DILLER My opinion, young people go to the Internet. To the Internet distribution system right now, you put ...
BARRY DILLER I am a contrarian.
BARRY DILLER I've not conducted my life in the service of smallness.
BARRY DILLER Well, the Internet is this miracle. It is an absolutely extraordinary idea that you can press a send...
BARRY DILLER Interest on a billion dollars can add up pretty fast.
MICHAEL DILLER Seventy is wormwood, Seventy is gall But its better to be seventy, Than not alive at all.
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY There is nothing quite like a freshly brewed pot of tea to get you going in the morning.
PHYLLIS LOGAN Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom.
PHYLLIS THEROUX Remember, those that wait upon the Lord will rise up with wings like eagles, and they will run and n...
PHYLLIS SCHLAFLY A broken heart is what makes life so wonderful five years later, when you see the guy in an elevator...
PHYLLIS BATTELLE There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriag...
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom.
PHYLLIS THEROUS Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human natu...
PHYLLIS SCHLAFLY Say what you will, making marriage work is a woman's business. The institution was invented to do he...
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY Marriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be gra...
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY The knowingness of little girls hidden underneath their curls.
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY The system -- the American one, at least -- is a vast and noble experiment. It has been polestar and...
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY I do not know who first invented the myth of sexual equality. But it is a myth willfully fostered an...
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY A lady is smarter than a gentleman, maybe, she can sew a fine seam, she can have a baby, she can use...
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY Sometimes I have a notion that what might improve the situation is to have women take over the occup...
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY Oh, high is the price of parenthood, and daughters may cost you double. You dare not forget, as you ...
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY Our bodies are shaped to bear children, and our lives are a working out of the processes of creation...
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY The Enemy, who wears her mother's usual face and confidential tone, has access; doubtless stares int...
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY In my early life, and probably even today, it is not sufficiently understood that a child's educatio...
PHYLLIS BOTTOME What I am defending is the real rights of women. A woman should have the right to be in the home as ...
PHYLLIS SCHLAFLY Of course we women gossip on occasion. But our appetite for it is not as avid as a man s. It is in t...
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY Gossip isn't scandal and it's not merely malicious. It's chatter about the human race by lovers of t...
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY The thing to remember about fathers is, they're men. A girl has to keep it in mind: They are dragon-...
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY Sisters are always drying their hair. Locked into rooms, alone, they pose at the mirror, shoulders b...
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY Who could deny that privacy is a jewel? It has always been the mark of privilege, the distinguishing...
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY There are two ways of meeting difficulties: you alter the difficulties or you alter yourself meeting...
PHYLLIS BOTTOME Please to put a nickel, please to put a dime. How petitions trickle in at Christmas time!
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY Sin has always been an ugly word, but it has been made so in a new sense over the last half-century....
PHYLLIS MCGINLEY