A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.


Fred Allen

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[Television is] the triumph of machine over people.
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I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
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Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
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A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
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Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
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The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
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The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday an...
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A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothin...
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A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and ...
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The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
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I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back...
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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
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Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them a...
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A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
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After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.
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Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
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Do we really deserve top billing?
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
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California is a great place to live if you're an orange.
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If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do a...
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I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
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During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoyin...
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I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a f...
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California is a fine place to live--if you happen to be an orange.
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A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide t...
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If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
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Television is called a medium because anything good on it is rare
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A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on
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He writes so well he makes me feel like putting the quill back in the goose
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Batten, Barton, Durstine & Osborne-sounds like a trunk falling down a flight of stairs.
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There's good cops, but there's more bad cops than good cops around here.
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Not every one of those lower-income taxpayers becomes a cost to a state-funded system.
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A vice president in an advertising agency is a "molehill man" who has until 5 PM to make a molehill ...
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I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how i...
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Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
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I had to come out one more time to take a look. I had a lot of fun and spent a lot of time out here....
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During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoyin...
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He's so small, he's a waste of skin
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He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six stran...
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All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten lau...
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Television is a triumph of equipment over people and the minds that control it are so small that you...
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Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood and place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have...
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I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six stran...
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The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
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The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or...
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I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and -- I can't remember what the third...
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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
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A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
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Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
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It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive allianc...
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Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark g...
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
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The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday an...
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Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
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He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
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I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
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An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
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I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
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A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothin...
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When you're prepared, you're more confident. When you have a strategy, you're more comfortable.
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I'm like a duck: calm above the water, and paddling like hell underneath.
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I just put my feet in the air and move them around.
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Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young.
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Happiness is a positive cash flow.
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A man who is contented with what he has done will never become famous for what he will do.
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Chance is the fool's name for Fate
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I'm just a hoofer with a spare set of tails
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Disco is just jitterbug.
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