A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.