More W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W. C. FIELDS

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
W. C. FIELDS

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
W. C. FIELDS

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butle...
W. C. FIELDS

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn f...
W. C. FIELDS

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm ...
W. C. FIELDS

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for th...
W. C. FIELDS

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
W. C. FIELDS

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
W. C. FIELDS

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. FIELDS

I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
W. C. FIELDS

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. FIELDS

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
W. C. FIELDS

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
W. C. FIELDS

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W. C. FIELDS

Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen th...
W. C. FIELDS

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
W. C. FIELDS

Start off everyday with a simple smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
W. C. FIELDS

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. FIELDS

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpl...
W. C. FIELDS

Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.
W. C. FIELDS

Once during Prohibition I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. FIELDS

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live...
W. C. FIELDS

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situati...
W. C. FIELDS

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've...
W. C. FIELDS

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. FIELDS

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state pris...
W. C. FIELDS

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
W. C. FIELDS

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W. C. FIELDS

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. FIELDS

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteeen.
W. C. FIELDS

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. FIELDS

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
W. C. FIELDS

Happiness means quiet nerves.
W. C. FIELDS

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
W. C. FIELDS

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
W. C. FIELDS

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
W. C. FIELDS

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.
W. C. FIELDS

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
W. C. FIELDS

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W. C. FIELDS

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool abou...
W. C. FIELDS

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We sta...
W. C. FIELDS

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laug...
W. C. FIELDS

I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I don't know; it's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and th...
W. C. FIELDS

Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of bad road. She had so many gold teeth . ...
W. C. FIELDS

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS

I like children - fried.
W. C. FIELDS

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.
W. C. FIELDS

All roads lead to rum.
W. C. FIELDS

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the re...
W. C. FIELDS

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they alwa...
W. C. FIELDS

Once . . . in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing b...
W. C. FIELDS

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food...
W. C. FIELDS

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still surv...
W. C. FIELDS

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.)
W. C. FIELDS

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what ...
W. C. FIELDS

Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

No one likes a fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of ...
W. C. FIELDS

I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS

I hear the tusks are looser in Alabama.
W. C. FIELDS

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
W. C. FIELDS

Roomservice, Roomservice, don't send up any more ice.
W. C. FIELDS

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. FIELDS

A plumber's idea of Cleopatra [Mae West].
W. C. FIELDS

I only drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
W. C. FIELDS

Stop following me, are you following me? That'll get you twelve years at Leavenworth, or eleven year...
W. C. FIELDS

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. FIELDS

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. FIELDS

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
W. C. FIELDS

Either you're drunk or your braces are lopsided.
W. C. FIELDS

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his butt...
W. C. FIELDS

I drink therefore I am.
W. C. FIELDS

Children should neither be seen or heard from -- ever again.
W. C. FIELDS

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. FIELDS

If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
W. C. FIELDS

Go back to reform school, you little nose-picker!
W. C. FIELDS

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W. C. FIELDS

What this country needs is money!
W. C. FIELDS

It ain't a fit night out for man or beast.
W. C. FIELDS

Never smarten up a chump.
W. C. FIELDS

We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking . . . that this happens is a matter of rec...
W. C. FIELDS

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.
W. C. FIELDS

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS

Who has not experienced the unutterable despair that follows the crash of a treasured bottle.
W. C. FIELDS

Never mind what I told you -- you do as I tell you.
W. C. FIELDS

Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
W. C. FIELDS

You know women ought to be like bank notes. You ought to be able to exchange one 40 for two 20's.
W. C. FIELDS

The best thing to break is a contract.
W. C. FIELDS

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS

A wonderful drink, wine. . . . Did you ever hear of an Italian grape crusher with athlete's foot?.
W. C. FIELDS

Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.
W. C. FIELDS

On the whole I would rather be in Philadelphia.
W. C. FIELDS

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
W. C. FIELDS

After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
W. C. FIELDS

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
W. C. FIELDS

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and not the dog, is man's bes...
W. C. FIELDS

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

A good cure for insomnia is to get plenty of sleep.
W. C. FIELDS

The harder the act, the less it seems to be appreciated. That's what every artist, be he juggler, mu...
W. C. FIELDS

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W. C. FIELDS

It's a funny old world - a man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
W. C. FIELDS

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of...
W. C. FIELDS

Anything worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Whatever is worth having is worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

There are only two real ways to get ahead today -- sell liquor or drink it.
W. C. FIELDS

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
W. C. FIELDS

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
W. C. FIELDS

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times...
W. C. FIELDS

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS Success in life is a matter not so much of talent as of concentration and perseverance.
C. W. WENDTE Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, for he shall enjoy living.
W. C. BENNETT Do not on any account attempt to write on both sides of the paper at once.
W. C. SELLAR

Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple.
C. W. CERAN

Everything can be improved.
C. W. BARRON Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple.
C W CERAN It is one of the commonest of mistakes to consider that the limit of our power of perception is also...
C. W. LEADBEATER The old Quaker was right: I expect to pass through life but once. If there is any kindness, or any g...
W. C. GANNETT The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others' burdens, easing other's loads and supplanti...
W. C. JONES

If you must fight, pick only worthy adversaries.
C. W. BARRON Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple.
C. W. CERAM With cars off the city's streets, we don't expect to have any of the problems we normally have getti...
AL FIELDS The big difference would be if we had a catastrophic snowfall after the Super Bowl. It might take lo...
AL FIELDS We expect to have as many as 500 pieces of equipment at our disposal including private contractors.
AL FIELDS We've got a plan in place to make sure everyone is ready. If it does snow, we'll be able to remove i...
AL FIELDS Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live...
WC FIELDS We have seen people advertise dresses online that they bought at David's Bridal for $700 and they tr...
ALAN FIELDS If the company disappears in the middle of the night, you can dispute the charge and get your money ...
ALAN FIELDS You're most likely spending more on catering and photography than the dress, but it's a very emotion...
ALAN FIELDS It's very common in the Northeast to have almost everyone get a tip.
ALAN FIELDS The reality is there are only 52 Saturdays in a year . . . It makes sense to look at the alternative...
ALAN FIELDS In that case, don't think wedding insurance will save you. It doesn't cover a change of heart.
ALAN FIELDS

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
W.C. FIELDS

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. FIELDS

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W.C. FIELDS

I use nothing but the best ingredients. My cookies are always baked fresh. I price cookies so that y...
DEBBIE FIELDS Generally, employees who file complaints of discrimination do so as a last resort.
RUBYE FIELDS

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
TOTIE FIELDS

A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight
TOTIE FIELDS

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W.C. FIELDS Humans are not a commodity, nor is our humanity. Fight to save the lives of those who can not save t...
L.M. FIELDS

There is a bright spot or two for the Spaniards. French toast has become freedom toast on the Air Fo...
SUZANNE FIELDS I'm big on tomato mozzarella salad. That's my favorite all-time food.
JAN FIELDS

There aren't more lady songwriters for the same reason that there aren't more lady doctors o...
DOROTHY FIELDS

Fully 57 percent of American college students are women. Life insurance companies sell more policies...
SUZANNE FIELDS

I've never felt like I was in the cookie business. I've always been in a feel good feeling b...
DEBBI FIELDS

I have an amazing husband who is a strong man of God. He is very dedicated to me and our family.
KIM FIELDS

Number one, I absolutely love making chocolate chip cookies. I mean, it's fun. It's exciting...
DEBBI FIELDS

Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult.
TOTIE FIELDS

American high school students trail teenagers from 14 European and Asian countries in reading, math ...
SUZANNE FIELDS

The Academy Awards ceremony is designed to be without irony, but Chris Rock supplied it anyway with ...
SUZANNE FIELDS

I use nothing but the best ingredients. My cookies are always baked fresh. I price cookies so that y...
DEBBI FIELDS

Gospel music to me has always been a balm for the soul. It has been able to usher in the spirit, ush...
KIM FIELDS

Everybody's looking for the niche to make the difference. Some people think they see the mother ...
SUZANNE FIELDS

Hollywood and the recording industry argue that current law permits the copying of songs and movies,...
SUZANNE FIELDS

The death of Pope John Paul II led many of different faiths and of no faith to acknowledge their deb...
SUZANNE FIELDS

Love is the reason for it all.
DOROTHY FIELDS

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W.C. FIELDS

A good filmmaker with a wonderful cast can weave an illusionary spell that goes well beyond analysis...
SUZANNE FIELDS

We expect hassles when we travel. It's our patriotic duty to grin if possible but bear it nonetheles...
SUZANNE FIELDS

It's easier to make fun of a first lady than for a first lady to have fun. The scrutiny is feroc...
SUZANNE FIELDS

'Facts of Life' was and continues to be a milestone on my journey. But when people act like ...
KIM FIELDS

Women can break down barriers to opportunity, and men, many of them reluctantly, have learned to rel...
SUZANNE FIELDS

I've been asked for years to do a reality show. One of my criteria is that I would be given the ...
KIM FIELDS

Many critics of the Palestinians, especially those in Congress, think the current calm is merely the...
SUZANNE FIELDS We were making significant progress to realize the goals set some 20 years ago for an arts center th...
MARK FIELDS It comes down to a lot of bad breaks,
MARK FIELDS We are still sticking to our objective of hitting the lower end of the milestone.
MARK FIELDS is known for his marketing expertise, and his skills as a motivator, as he proved in leading the rec...
MARK FIELDS What you will see is very original in execution, but very Ford at its heart. It starts to fulfill th...
MARK FIELDS I am pleasantly surprised at the wealth of artistic talent that has had a connection to South Jersey...
MARK FIELDS Our path is not going to be linear or smooth. It's still early days.
MARK FIELDS Our path is not going to linear and smooth.
MARK FIELDS one of our most experienced, capable and proven leaders.
MARK FIELDS

America-bashing is addictive, born of power envy and nurtured by power lust among the weak, the cowa...
SUZANNE FIELDS The only preparations I made were getting ice, batteries, and canned foods. I also place my lawn fur...
WILLIAM FIELDS

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Copied!

W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

W. C. Fields

Share:

Related

More W. C. Fields