Actual meanings of various terms:
TEAM WORK: Having somebody else you can blame it on.
HARDWARE: The part of a computer you can kick when there are software problems.
IMPATIENT: Somebody who is waiting in a hurry.
INFLATION: Paying today's prices with last year's salary.

New year resolutions you can actually keep!
Skip more classes in school.
Call in sick at work more.
Go shopping more often.
Eat more unhealthy food like fries and burgers.
Drink more pop cans instead of freshly squeezing healthy fruits.
Do less exercise and watch more TV.

Stop crying, Monday will be over soon.

Work is just something I'm doing until I win the lottery.

Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday?

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.