Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.


Dave Barry

  Email Quote to Friends   Link to Quote   Create Short URL  Publish Text About This Quote   Share on Facebook, Twitter, and more
  See Recommended Quotes For You

Related

It is what it is, it is what you make it.
JAMES DURBIN
Success is a Journey: so, don’t forget to pack your COURAGE: to face the obstacles heading your wa...
PHILIP T. M.
If you can dream it, you can do it.
ENZO FERRARI
It is a lie.
ARTHUR MILLER
You are an adult and you don't understand me and what are the differences between the adult and the ...
DEYTH BANGER
The king may rule the kingdom, but it's the queen who moves the board.
D.M. TIMNEY
Do the thing and you will have the power.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
It ends or it doesn't.
That’s what you say. That’s
how you get through it.
The tu...
CAITLYN SIEHL
You go from zero miles per hour to 18,000 miles per hour in 8 1/2 minutes. So, it is the most dynami...
WINSTON SCOTT
Unpredictability means what it means. I don't know how you define it. It is what it is.
MICHAEL KEATON
If it's what you do and you can do it, then you do it.
VAN MORRISON
If you think you can do it, you can.
JOHN BURROUGHS
It ain't bragging if you can do it.
DIZZY DEAN
I don't think anything is unrealistic if you believe you can do it.
RICHARD L. EVANS
You know, I don't think my music is important, I don't think it's changing the world, I ...
SUFJAN STEVENS
Everything known and referred to as “impossible” is often what has not been attempted before. It...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR
You must be the person you have never had the courage to be. Gradually, you will discover that you a...
PAULO COELHO
Always Be Ready For Anything that Comes: Bananas, Chips, College, an Opportunity, so when it does yo...
DANIEL OJEDA
God walked with humanity in the cool of the day and gave them the most difficult and hottest parts o...
JOEY TALLADINO
Pain has creative power,
Let the magic unfold...
HENNA SOHAIL
When you're recording to analog tape, it captures performance and you can't necessarily mani...
DAVE GROHL
I am Happy and satisfied with what I am. 10000 will take me wrong, 1000 will go against me, 100 will...
NEHA KOTHARI
If our mind was an ocean then every now and then we would have the perfect storm happening in it.Gar...
GARY F EVANS...
All but Dave on the end peg struggled for anything other than really small roach - four or five to t...
PAUL FROST
Take a break of that which you enjoy and what you don't enjoy leave it.
DEYTH BANGER
Drop down someone else's shoe and run to take your own quickly. Don't hire your own to anybody, else...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR
It'a okay to take some break from the crucible steep of stairs that you want to try to achieve, as l...
LAURE96
I regret that I wasn't more successful with my marriages, but it is what it is.
TED TURNER
In this market, the truth is you cannot sell anything from the mid-market upwards without incentives...
MALCOLM HARRIS
Your love is like the wind...you cant see it, but you can feel it...
NICHOLAS SPARKS
To find that things are never what they seem no matter what way you look at it is an eye opener inde...
GARY F EVANS...
To stand on the
brink of what is coming, feeling eager, optimistic anticipation—with no feeli...
ASK AND IT IS GIVEN
Time is a teacher which in the end it kills all it's students. (Synchronicity 2015 Film)
DEYTH BANGER
If you do not believe you can do it then you have no chance at all.
ARSENE WENGER
Maybe there's a whole other universe where a square moon rises in the sky, and the stars laugh in co...
STEPHEN KING
People assume NFL cheerleaders are within some vague sniffing distance of the good life, but a Ben-G...
JEANNE MARIE LASKAS
I’ve heard you talk about this town like it’s the only thing you love aside from fixing cars. Pe...
ADI ALSAID
I'm not an Emontional, but how???
I live with the thought that "Nothing can be returned, it has...
DEYTH BANGER
You can hear the wind blow but you cant see it.
LAURA REESE
I don't know what we did without Velcro in the American theater. It's a miracle substance! P...
JEFFERSON MAYS
If something excites you, go for it.
CHAD HURLEY
You've gotta go for it, and go for it with gusto.
ELIZABETH MITCHELL
Have a robust mindset; dare to move any mountain!
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH
If you're not really having a good time, it's not worth it.
KYLE CHANDLER
Every time you encounter a difficulty or a problem in anything you do don't get down about it. It is...
NICK KINSELLA
You get to the point where you're like, 'I'm just doing me, and if people don't like...
BEBE REXHA
Bravery breaks barriers! You were not born to be mediocre! Put on courage and conquer! Don’t forge...
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH
When I die it will be game over,... but I know one life is short, to be selfish is not the best deci...
DEYTH BANGER
Enemies who vow not to see you achieve it and friends who say you can't do it... ARE THE SAME...!!! ...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR
Be all that you can be.
You can be great.
LAILAH GIFTY AKITA
Who you know only gets you in the door; what you know gets you the keys to the house.
GINA GREENLEE
Life depends on you and your choices. The real value of your life largely depends on what you do wit...
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH
I think that when the lies are all told and forgot the truth will be there yet. It dont move about f...
CORMAC MCCARTHY
Just get it right, “it is not too late to dream”. You can do it now! This very moment, I mean ri...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR
Our number 1 mandate was to include all of Alberta in the celebration. Ninety-five per cent of Alber...
DON METZ
For starters, that’s a rather simple principle of Time Travel right there – and according to the...
CHRISTINA ENGELA
6 Ways To Give Your Mind A Break:

1. Stop stressing
2. Stop worrying
3. Give re...
GERMANY KENT
When I see something, I go for it.
JACKEE HARRY
If you have a question, ask. How do you ask? Say it or write it
SOTONYE ANGA
What's the difference between people who see and seek gaps and those that see and seek bridges? The ...
RICHIE NORTON
Integrity is not everything, but it is the only thing that matters.
JEFFREY FRY
A true friend is one you can go extended periods without seeing or talking to, yet the moment that y...
ELLIE WADE
Longing, whether for a passion or person, is one of the most powerful, yet painful, emotions there i...
JENNIFER SALAIZ
You watch that Dog show, you see this guy apprehend two or three guys in an hour. But you don't see ...
JOE INTISO
Each time you look at a tangerine, you can see deeply into it. You can see everything in the univers...
THICH NHAT HANH
Instinct's the iron skeleton under all our ideas of free will.
STEPHEN KING
This world is a joke, and I'm in it
OLIWAH GOUDEE
Cease to think of an impossibility and you will seize an opportunity for productivity. Excellence co...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR
If you are a “now-person”, you reduce the time rate during which your success story is to be pub...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR
It's like trying to hold back a 50 mile-per-hour gale. You can do it for so long before it gets a ho...
CHUCK CURTIS
It is what it is, and it ain't nothin' else... Everything is clearly, openly, plainly delive...
DAN FLAVIN
With '10,000,' our aim was to make a film that was entertaining and a roller-coaster ride; i...
STEVEN STRAIT
Love is like gravity. You can't see it, touch it, or even feel it, but it surrounds you all the time...
DEBASISH MRIDHA
I have Tourettes and Aspergers, but Tourrets and Aspergers don't have me. You know, I'm doin...
JAMES DURBIN
If you value your time, You'll get some reasons to smile in return.
MD. NAZRUL ISLAM
A weird thing happens when you get a glimpse of that side of you. A child-like zeal possesses you. I...
K.J. KILTON
If you can do it, why you won't do it???
If you have chance why you won't use it?
DEYTH BANGER
You have to work harder to achieve your goals
LAILAH GIFTY AKITA
Failure is not the final fall.
LAILAH GIFTY AKITA
What you see can be nauseating, but you kind of get used to it. Without complications, it takes an h...
JAMES O'BOYLE
If there is anything you need in life that you haven’t gotten, it is because you are yet to pay fo...
SUNDAY ADELAJA
It's still not cheap and you can only do it for a small amount of time and without travel it is stil...
KYLE DAVIES
If you don't think it.
You'll never do it!
ANTHONY T. HINCKS
Life is not all about sticking or stopping your thoughts to old memories but LIFE STARTS when you st...
NEHA KOTHARI
Something did happen, and I really don't feel proud of it.
DEYTH BANGER
All that the spider needs to complete its web is step taking
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH
I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-f...
WILL FERRELL
The bird dares to break the shell, then the shell breaks open and the bird can fly openly. This is t...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR
If you dream it, it can happen.
DYLAN TAYLOR
Name the fears that are holding you back. It's the equivalent of flooding the boogeyman with light.
GINA GREENLEE
Tomorrow is promised to no one. Prioritize today accordingly.
GINA GREENLEE
I speak the truth. Not everyone who says they are ready to hear it really are.
MONIKA ZANDS
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean...
COLEMAN COX
Time is so important.'so spend time doing something that you love.' make the most of it and Let the ...
NAPZ CHERUB PELLAZO
YOU are YOU! Know YOU can! YOU must not be afraid because God has a prosperous future plan for YOU! ...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR
You'll be okay. No matter what shape reality takes, you can handle it.
SHIRO AMANO
There is so much you are capable of doing, but you will never know until you try
SOTONYE ANGA
Do I believe a thing has limits!? Of course! Nothing exists that doesn’t have limits. Existence me...
ÁLVARO DE CAMPOS
If therefore you shall be remembered for what you did with what you had more than what you had, use ...
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH
I never like it when a celebrity goes on Twitter and says, 'This isn't true!' It is what...
HARRY STYLES

More Dave Barry

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
DAVE BARRY
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admi...
DAVE BARRY
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
DAVE BARRY
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another pe...
DAVE BARRY
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
DAVE BARRY
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is ...
DAVE BARRY
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will ...
DAVE BARRY
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to a...
DAVE BARRY
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
DAVE BARRY
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another perso...
DAVE BARRY
The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
DAVE BARRY
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
DAVE BARRY
Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is th...
DAVE BARRY
If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
DAVE BARRY
The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes i...
DAVE BARRY
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another perso...
DAVE BARRY
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to...
DAVE BARRY
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or...
DAVE BARRY
I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a mor...
DAVE BARRY
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless...
DAVE BARRY
The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitutio...
DAVE BARRY
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
DAVE BARRY
Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
DAVE BARRY
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know ...
DAVE BARRY
You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
DAVE BARRY
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
DAVE BARRY
I'd take a nerf bullet for you.
DAVE BARRY
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my car...
DAVE BARRY
The first person who decided to say a word instead of throwing a rock can be considered the starter ...
DAVE BARRY
It was not that Adam ate the apple for the apple's sake, but because it was forbidden. It would have...
DAVE BARRY
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to r...
DAVE BARRY
Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
DAVE BARRY
I may not know Karate, but I know crazy and I'm not afraid to use it.
DAVE BARRY
In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is ba...
DAVE BARRY
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see wi...
DAVE BARRY
My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormit...
DAVE BARRY
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would b...
DAVE BARRY
What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be...
DAVE BARRY
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popula...
DAVE BARRY
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated ...
DAVE BARRY
Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
DAVE BARRY
There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who ...
DAVE BARRY
The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the ...
DAVE BARRY
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in...
DAVE BARRY
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went...
DAVE BARRY
Although Golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns h...
DAVE BARRY
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any ...
DAVE BARRY
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
DAVE BARRY
A thunderstorm is God's way of saying you spend too much time in front of the computer
DAVE BARRY
It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mer...
DAVE BARRY
Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the p...
DAVE BARRY
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they...
DAVE BARRY
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
DAVE BARRY
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withst...
DAVE BARRY
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should aris...
DAVE BARRY
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
DAVE BARRY
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas...
DAVE BARRY
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless y...
DAVE BARRY
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that h...
DAVE BARRY
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving infant's life, she will choose to sa...
DAVE BARRY
And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to ta...
DAVE BARRY
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious pe...
DAVE BARRY
Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.
DAVE BARRY
New York Taxi Rules:1. Driver speaks no English.2. Driver just got here two days ago from someplace ...
DAVE BARRY
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organiza...
DAVE BARRY
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won...
DAVE BARRY
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
DAVE BARRY
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
DAVE BARRY
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
DAVE BARRY
I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Futu...
DAVE BARRY
One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a compute...
DAVE BARRY
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with th...
DAVE BARRY
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see wit...
DAVE BARRY
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but ...
DAVE BARRY
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, usi...
DAVE BARRY
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this i...
DAVE BARRY
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should aris...
DAVE BARRY
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
DAVE BARRY
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, includi...
DAVE BARRY
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television witho...
DAVE BARRY
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
DAVE BARRY
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who re...
DAVE BARRY
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
DAVE BARRY
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by...
DAVE BARRY
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
DAVE BARRY
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his ...
DAVE BARRY
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
DAVE BARRY
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
DAVE BARRY
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a goo...
DAVE BARRY
Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while ...
DAVE BARRY
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news p...
DAVE BARRY
There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you...
DAVE BARRY
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
DAVE BARRY
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be att...
DAVE BARRY
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
DAVE BARRY
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
DAVE BARRY
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
DAVE BARRY
We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just abo...
DAVE BARRY
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
DAVE BARRY
I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven...
DAVE BARRY
Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no n...
DAVE BARRY
If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answ...
DAVE BARRY
A Mission Statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to est...
DAVE BARRY
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
DAVE BARRY
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background...
DAVE BARRY
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - yo...
DAVE BARRY
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is read...
DAVE BARRY
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, D...
DAVE BARRY
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the...
DAVE BARRY
What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such ...
DAVE BARRY
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since th...
DAVE BARRY
While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Int...
DAVE BARRY
And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacInto...
DAVE BARRY
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to...
DAVE BARRY
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for b...
DAVE BARRY
Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting techniq...
DAVE BARRY
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed...
DAVE BARRY
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in Janu...
DAVE BARRY
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and att...
DAVE BARRY
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always...
DAVE BARRY
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
DAVE BARRY
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless y...
DAVE BARRY
I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if pe...
DAVE BARRY
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at...
DAVE BARRY
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybo...
DAVE BARRY
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions...
DAVE BARRY
Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ev...
DAVE BARRY
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a c...
DAVE BARRY
For many years the National Pretend Speed Limit was fifty-five miles per hour (metric equivalent: 37...
DAVE BARRY
All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of fallin...
DAVE BARRY
Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the b...
DAVE BARRY
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. (This is also true of relig...
DAVE BARRY
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have...
DAVE BARRY
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
DAVE BARRY
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't ca...
DAVE BARRY
I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software inco...
DAVE BARRY
Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck throug...
DAVE BARRY
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and f...
DAVE BARRY
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as bei...
DAVE BARRY
More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers...
DAVE BARRY
USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'
DAVE BARRY
UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 ton...
DAVE BARRY
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Den...
DAVE BARRY
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
DAVE BARRY
''Varlet and the Squeaking Codpieces'' would be an excellent name for a rock band.
DAVE BARRY
Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part of a herpetol...
DAVE BARRY
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This...
DAVE BARRY
I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person...
DAVE BARRY
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withsta...
DAVE BARRY
Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark
DAVE BARRY
What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a...
DAVE BARRY
When Thomas Paine showed Benjamin Franklin the manuscript of The Age of Reason, Franklin advised him...
DAVE BARRY
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty...
DAVE BARRY
All good things must come to an end, but all bad things can continue forever.
DAVE BARRY
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days s...
DAVE BARRY
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
DAVE BARRY
And Ted Koppel comes walking down the aisle. We'd met a few times, so we said hello.
DAVE BARRY
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."
DAVE BARRY
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
DAVE BARRY
1996 also saw a huge expansion of the Internet, with many major corporations, afraid of being left b...
DAVE BARRY
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on you...
DAVE BARRY
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went...
DAVE BARRY
Sir,” James asked, “what are we going to do?”
“We’re going to look for water,” said...
DAVE BARRY
Seriously? You won’t help me?”
“Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.
DAVE BARRY
If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, ...
DAVE BARRY
If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert’s Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, ...
DAVE BARRY
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably...
DAVE BARRY
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you wo...
DAVE BARRY
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This...
DAVE BARRY
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religi...
DAVE BARRY
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
DAVE BARRY
Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.
DAVE BARRY
I gotta tell you, ... It's pretty crazy when you think about taking whatever's on the other end of t...
DAVE BARRY
It was by far just a one-girl show. She led every offensive and defensive category for Bishop Kearne...
DAVE BARRY
one of South Florida's most vital natural resources, a relentlessly sane voice in a howling hurrican...
DAVE BARRY
drink beer. But that's kind of my goal pretty much wherever I go.
DAVE BARRY
I'm very pleased that we made the top four. But I feel that we could have had a stronger showing.
DAVE BARRY
I've been asked to make an announcement, ... There is a non-luxury car in the parking lot. We've bee...
DAVE BARRY
The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.
DAVE BARRY
We've actually gotten better musically over the years, ... But we've come to realize that we will ne...
DAVE BARRY
Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
DAVE BARRY
Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art...
DAVE BARRY
I find myself having these conversations where I go...“You know, the guy, in that place. The guy i...
DAVE BARRY
Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones...
DAVE BARRY
Ridley is a tea drinker.
DAVE BARRY
It's a concept I've often thought of.
DAVE BARRY
You get people from all walks of life here -- who work in domestic service.
DAVE BARRY
I believe that's one of the finest action regurgitation scenes in the history of literature, ... I'd...
DAVE BARRY
We became pretty sensitive about it. We visited Great Ormond Street Hospital when we were in England...
DAVE BARRY
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge ham...
DAVE BARRY
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
DAVE BARRY
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuc...
DAVE BARRY
Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger...
DAVE BARRY
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will ...
DAVE BARRY
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable ent...
DAVE BARRY
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant d...
DAVE BARRY
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including:* Both of your socks sh...
DAVE BARRY
Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look...
DAVE BARRY
There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his ...
DAVE BARRY
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winte...
DAVE BARRY