Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

No, we don't cheat. And even if we did, I'd never tell you.

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.