Joan Rivers quote: "Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something."

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, ...
JOAN RIVERS

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
JOAN RIVERS

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
JOAN RIVERS

Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. I...
JOAN RIVERS

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property...
JOAN RIVERS

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
JOAN RIVERS

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
JOAN RIVERS

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
JOAN RIVERS

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a par...
JOAN RIVERS

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the ...
JOAN RIVERS

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
JOAN RIVERS

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the w...
JOAN RIVERS

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That...
JOAN RIVERS

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it ...
JOAN RIVERS

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can ...
JOAN RIVERS

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a...
JOAN RIVERS

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
JOAN RIVERS

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
JOAN RIVERS

Can we talk?
JOAN RIVERS

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes -- and six months later you have to start all...
JOAN RIVERS

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
JOAN RIVERS

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
JOAN RIVERS

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid f...
JOAN RIVERS

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
JOAN RIVERS

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds ...
JOAN RIVERS

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full th...
JOAN RIVERS

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I...
JOAN RIVERS

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and ...
JOAN RIVERS

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
JOAN RIVERS

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
JOAN RIVERS

Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.
JOAN RIVERS

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to e...
JOAN RIVERS

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
JOAN RIVERS

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.
JOAN RIVERS

I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done ...
JOAN RIVERS

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding yo...
JOAN RIVERS

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all ov...
JOAN RIVERS

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman u...
JOAN RIVERS

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He...
JOAN RIVERS

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what deat...
JOAN RIVERS

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, ...
JOAN RIVERS

All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always l...
JOAN RIVERS

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
JOAN RIVERS

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, ...
JOAN RIVERS

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
JOAN RIVERS

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
JOAN RIVERS

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly — h...
JOAN RIVERS

He came at me but he got the wrong chicken,
JOAN RIVERS

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
JOAN RIVERS

I just want to know. Who got all the jewelry?
JOAN RIVERS

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight ...
JOAN RIVERS

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman under...
JOAN RIVERS

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
JOAN RIVERS

I was not a pretty child. I developed humor to be accepted.
JOAN RIVERS

And then my dog came and sat in my lap. I knew I had to hang in there for Spike.
JOAN RIVERS

Where there is a will there is a way. is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by ...
JOAN RIVERS

[But she was closer to her mother.] I adored my mother. She was very formal and proper, but she was ...
JOAN RIVERS

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
JOAN RIVERS

Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
JOAN RIVERS

God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a ...
JOAN RIVERS

Never floss with a stranger.
JOAN RIVERS

Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it to be true.
JOAN RIVERS

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.
JOAN RIVERS

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't...
JOAN RIVERS

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds
JOAN RIVERS

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in...
JOAN RIVERS

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through an...
JOAN RIVERS

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the f...
JOAN RIVERS

He who limps is still walking.
JOAN RIVERS

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERS

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, yo...
JOAN RIVERS

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid fo...
JOAN RIVERS

You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again
JOAN RIVERS

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
JOAN RIVERS

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
JOAN RIVERS

I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live i...
JOAN RIVERS

Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and ...
JOAN RIVERS

I am furious about everything.
JOAN RIVERS

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a littl...
JOAN RIVERS

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's no...
JOAN RIVERS

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wa...
JOAN RIVERS

I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me th...
JOAN RIVERS

I am going into alligator alley.
JOAN RIVERS

a good actress with real pathos.
JOAN RIVERS

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hur...
JOAN RIVERS

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pu...
JOAN RIVERS

I felt comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into mys...
JOAN RIVERS

How could she not be happy? She was tall, thin, gorgeous and rich, rich, rich, with a husband who di...
JOAN RIVERS

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all ...
JOAN RIVERS

[Calling him a] son of a b, ... Don't you dare call me a racist! I want an apology from you.
JOAN RIVERS

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven...
JOAN RIVERS

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
JOAN RIVERS

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do.
JOAN RIVERS

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
JOAN RIVERS

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my...
JOAN RIVERS

What a pathetic turn, ... Somebody ought to take that dress away from her. It's got Ronald McDonald'...
JOAN RIVERS

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.
JOAN RIVERS

Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say...
JOAN RIVERS

I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless ...
JOAN RIVERS

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.
JOAN RIVERS

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she'...
JOAN RIVERS

My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be...
JOAN RIVERS

I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well, lived very we...
JOAN RIVERS

I love Katy Perry! She's very charming.
JOAN RIVERS

Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? No...
JOAN RIVERS

I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people la...
JOAN RIVERS

I hate reality shows that are not reality.
JOAN RIVERS

Every television show you go on is a choice.
JOAN RIVERS

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're si...
JOAN RIVERS

Of course we are going to have to mention Brad and Angelina and ... Tom Cruise and the ever-loving K...
JOAN RIVERS

No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and ...
JOAN RIVERS

It's feast or famine in showbiz.
JOAN RIVERS

I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me...
JOAN RIVERS

I really want to disappear, grow a beard, not talk to anyone, not make any friends... I just want to...
RIVERS CUOMO

I have made that one of my policies never to play anything that I've already put on record.
SAM RIVERS

Well I'm a third-generation musician. My Grandfather's a musician and my father and mother w...
SAM RIVERS

The great musicians are those who can reach people, who can make people feel something.
SAM RIVERS

The first thing you do when you get out to center field is put up your finger and check the wind chi...
MICKEY RIVERS

I guess I've always liked the idea of being an artist.
LARRY RIVERS

I spent seven months in Africa and came back saying there isn't anything you can say about black...
LARRY RIVERS

Any art communicates what you're in the mood to receive.
LARRY RIVERS

I believe that any art communicates what you're in the mood to receive.
LARRY RIVERS

We'll do all right if we can capitalize on our mistakes.
MICKEY RIVERS

My favorite book is 'Redeeming Love.' It was my first as a born-again Christian, my statemen...
FRANCINE RIVERS

Leaving the group, he reclined on a couch, drank morosely, and watched people. He noticed the games ...
FRANCINE RIVERS

Stand firm in the Lord. Stand firm and let Him fight your battle. Do not try to fight alone.
FRANCINE RIVERS

Unless we have something worth dying for, Atretes, we've nothing worth living for.
FRANCINE RIVERS

I think if I wasn't a musician, I would be a high-school band director or orchestra director. I ...
RIVERS CUOMO

I meditate an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. Once a year I go away for a long retre...
RIVERS CUOMO

Even at your best, the creative moments are still kind of fleeting.
RIVERS CUOMO

I became a Christian late, in my late 30s, so I had a lot of things that I was bringing into my Chri...
FRANCINE RIVERS

I have some good books of Bach keyboard music transcribed for guitar, and there's always a nylon...
RIVERS CUOMO

We'll do all right if we can capitalize on our mistakes.
MICKEY RIVERS

I decided to try celibacy because I heard it would help the meditation, and I tried meditation becau...
RIVERS CUOMO

When I was 15 and dreaming about being a rock star... I thought the whole point of it was to get chi...
RIVERS CUOMO

Cat Stevens' music, voice, and energy made me feel so secure. He sounded different from some of ...
RIVERS CUOMO

I always like balance. If I'm playing rock music all the time, chances are I'll start cravin...
RIVERS CUOMO

I have a natural instinct to feel guilty and that I've let people down. I've apologized in m...
RIVERS CUOMO

Certainly, the Beach Boys and the early Beatles records were a huge influence on me lyrically.
RIVERS CUOMO

The web site and the Internet are a whole new ball game.
JOHNNY RIVERS

I think probably with any performer, but maybe with rock music especially, the audience wants to see...
RIVERS CUOMO

The most nerve-wracking experience is an oral presentation in class. And right under that would be d...
RIVERS CUOMO

The Lord will provide.
FRANCINE RIVERS

I felt alone out there, like I was on a desert island. I felt like Gilligan.
MICKEY RIVERS

Me and George and Billy are two of a kind. (on his relationship with George Steinbrenner and Billy M...
MICKEY RIVERS

These guys are so old they're eligible for meals on wheels.
MICKEY RIVERS

I don't think you're going to draw much from this game at all, it was not a beautiful game in any wa...
DOC RIVERS

I've got a Fender Concert amp from the '60s, the one Joe Osborn used. He played his bass thr...
JOHNNY RIVERS

The first amp I had back in the '50s was a small Fender.
JOHNNY RIVERS

In early '57, I bought a Fender Telecaster.
JOHNNY RIVERS

I was fixated on Prince's 'Black Album' for a long time.
RIVERS CUOMO

I think it's gradually gotten less awkward, from my freshman year until now. It's not really as awkw...
PHILIP RIVERS

I say that confidently. I'm not by any means going to play the perfect game, but I feel like I can g...
PHILIP RIVERS

I'm just living each day, and I'm better equipped to do so. I mean, I used to be totally afr...
RIVERS CUOMO

Rock and Roll Over' was the first Kiss album I heard, but I was totally oblivious to their whole...
RIVERS CUOMO

I think I'm a good dad. It's hard. Ultimately, it's our kids that have the final word. S...
RIVERS CUOMO

I really don't need to suffer. I can really become a happy person and still make good music - in...
RIVERS CUOMO

I don't get upset over things I can control, because if I can control them there's no sense in getti...
MICKEY RIVERS

No wonder you're all mixed up. You got a white man's first name, a Spanish man's second name and a b...
MICKEY RIVERS

If you can stop him, you got a better chance, ... If you do that, the Angels aren't as hard to beat.
MICKEY RIVERS

I like to get input from all different kinds of listeners, including the really conservative ones, a...
RIVERS CUOMO

I really don't trust Benson. He's got the sweetest deal in the NFL (the Saints are the only NFL team...
ALLEN RIVERS

This whole state is hurting right now. I know times are hard. I understand people are angry with Ben...
ALLEN RIVERS

He needed the warmth of the sun to take away the chill of foreboding that grew in him.
FRANCINE RIVERS

I signed up for eHarmony once, and it took three hours to fill out that online form - so many person...
RIVERS CUOMO

He's so ugly. When you walked by him, your pants wrinkle. He made fly balls curve foul.
MICKEY RIVERS

My goals are to hit .300, score 100 runs, and stay injury-prone.
MICKEY RIVERS

I'm going to double my limit.
MICKEY RIVERS

Pitching is 80% of the game and the other half is hitting and fielding.
MICKEY RIVERS

When you're outside in this beautiful natural environment, it's dissonant to see some special effect...
BARRY RIVERS

The dirty little secret about film festivals is that every year you reinvent the wheel.
BARRY RIVERS

We all wanted what we wanted, and when the Lord fulfilled HIS purpose rather than ours, we struck ou...
FRANCINE RIVERS

Jesus has given me eternal life in Him. Let them take my life here, but God holds me in the palm of ...
FRANCINE RIVERS

True beauty is rare, and seldom recognized by the one who possesses it.
FRANCINE RIVERS

I want you to love me. I want you to trust me enough to let me love you, and I want you to stay here...
FRANCINE RIVERS

When we started doing the college tours, the show was seen in a new light. It's really dealing with ...
BEN RIVERS

We're reading some of the books about the Titanic. We're going to see the exhibit at the museum in a...
BEN RIVERS

The less than polar conditions actually drew more people.
BEN RIVERS

Love God and He will enable you to love others even when they disappoint you.
FRANCINE RIVERS

Sideways rain. We threw it 59 times (actually 57).
PHILIP RIVERS

Paul was absolutely sensational tonight. I didn't realize they had 50 and 43. I knew they had a lot....
DOC RIVERS

I think audiences sometimes mistakenly assume a quality performance comes from some great emotional ...
RIVERS CUOMO

Mara, that's the life I want to give you. That's what I'm offering you. I want to fill you life with...
FRANCINE RIVERS

I don't know if it was vital [to get the win], but it was big. We needed the win because I look at t...
DOC RIVERS

The interviews have been a little tough due to the fact that we're interviewing dogs. We see a l...
MELISSA RIVERS

It didn't go smoothly; it was the most contentious thing I've ever done.
RIVERS CUOMO

I don't know what next year will bring. I have no idea. I can tell you I have a lot of ideas for son...
RIVERS CUOMO

It's up in the air, ... But in my mind, it's up in the air for every artist. Who knows, really, if t...
RIVERS CUOMO

Once he gets in and just plays natural, be himself, he's going to do great. I like this guy. He's no...
MICKEY RIVERS

I like watching because that's my style of play, ... When he does what he does, I enjoy it.
MICKEY RIVERS

What was the name of that dog on 'Rin Tin Tin'?
MICKEY RIVERS

What I really remember is that people camped out everywhere, and the fact everybody expected it migh...
JOHNNY RIVERS

These conquerors of the world are slaves to their passions, and someday their passions will bring th...
FRANCINE RIVERS

Our boys mean a lot to us. We've been hooked for some time.
ALLEN RIVERS

I found that so many people in the music business started out as metalheads in the Eighties - whethe...
RIVERS CUOMO

The message that is coming across from the media is clearly, 'Watch out, women, if you're ambitious....
CARYL RIVERS

I'm not sitting here all fired up like I've achieved something, ... I'm pleased that I've made some ...
PHILIP RIVERS

I'm sure there will be a different report every day for the next six months, and I'm not going to ge...
PHILIP RIVERS

Joan Rivers

Share:

Related

More Joan Rivers