Fire is no laughing matter. In a drunken attempt to appear womanly, my neighbor tried to burn her pubes off when she was fifteen, but it hurt too much to get it completely smooth. My friend had sex with her two years later and said her clit looked like a chestnut. I’ve been pro-bush ever since.

I write my own quotes. Except this one. I obviously stole this from somebody really clever.

I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?

As much as it hurts, I would rather miss someone than hit someone.

Postmodernism has turned into this devil's vortex where no matter what you do, your neck will be turned and your face shoved into a foreign example, and worse, no matter what you say, despite the context, it will be considered a postmodern device. That's the danger of postmodernism: it poses itself as something that can't be trumped, something you can’t escape. It continually mocks your efforts for the sake of its name. I know even this will be seen as another postmodern bullet, and no matter what I say, critics and readers will be locked into how to lock me in.

Just because you're upfront with someone doesn't mean you're an honest person; you might just be someone in the passenger seat.