Get over yourselves with the coffee. You know, we all have it. It's like being famous for mustard or gum.

Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving Prison,

I am resigning effective immediately. Bo Derek will become the new vice president.

I think the reason that satire is on the rise is because the real news is so bad right now, ... I'd love it if we lived in a world where there was nothing to satire, but given this world, people need satire and comedy right now. ... [Humor] enables us to look at the horrible things going on and survive [them].

I feel like Cal Ripken or something, ... This insanity is all self-imposed.

I wanted to get away from big, expensive network projects, ... so I moved to New York and I did nothing. And then I discovered the Internet. I didn't think of it as a moneymaker -- I wrote stuff I thought my friends would find funny.