Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
George Carlin
Related
The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots.
REBECCA WEST Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds.
YAKOV SMIRNOFF Men and women are not born inconstant: they are made so by their early amorous experiences.
ANDRE MAUROIS Ageing is something that both men and women are utterly terrified about.
CATE BLANCHETT Women are men without money.
PAUL SAMUELSON I've always said, 'Underwater or on top, men and women are compatible.'
SYLVIA EARLE On Earth, men and women are taking the same risks. Why shouldn't we be taking the same risks in ...
VALENTINA TERESHKOVA We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men and women are created equal.
ELIZABETH CADY STANTON When women are angry at men, they call them heartless. When men are angry at women, they call them c...
SUSAN CHEEVER In love, women are professionals, men are amateurs.
FRANCOIS TRUFFAUT We have equality of men and women in western society, whereas in Islamic culture, women are inferior...
PIM FORTUYN Men are allowed to write songs about people and women are allowed to write songs about women.
KRISTIN HERSH Until women are as ambitious as men, they're not gong to achieve as much as men.
SHERYL SANDBERG For all men are equal,in order to show man that you are equal,then always do things lesser than your...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) To prove that all men are equal, rich or poor,nature has made it compulsory for all to breath the sa...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) If you go to any boardroom... the women are, by far, outnumbered by the men.
ARUNDHATI BHATTACHARYA You've got to remember that men are men and women are women. And although a lot of similarities,...
HELEN FISHER Men and women are like right and left hands; it doesn't make sense not to use both.
JEANNETTE RANKIN All men are fools, and all men are knights where women are concerned.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Both men and women are fallible. The difference is, women know it.
ELEANOR BRON Both men and women are fallible. The difference is, women know it.
ELEANOR BRON It will all go on as long as women are stupid enough to go on bringing men into the world. . .
DOROTHY MILLER RICHARDSON I don't know if it's animalistic or what, but men become like peacocks with their feathers u...
BRADLEY COOPER It is understandable that the perspectives of men and women on safety are so different--men and wome...
GAVIN DE BECKER Women are complicated. We all know that.
CANDICE SWANEPOEL The reason there are more women than men is simply because there are more illiterate women than men....
AMAL CHARARA What should all men know about women? That we are always right and you should just agree.
LARA STONE I think women are really self-analytical in a way that men aren't.
ZOE LISTER-JONES Men are by nature merely indifferent to one another; but women are by nature enemies.
ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER Men tend to be hierarchical, but women are driven to make lateral connections so they can cooperate.
HELEN FISHER Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women?
VIRGINIA WOOLF Why are women... so much more interesting to men than men are to women?
VIRGINIA WOOLF Even the wisest men make fools of themselves about women, and even the most foolish women are wise a...
THEODOR REIK Even the wisest men make fools of themselves about women, and even the most foolish women are wise a...
THEODORE REIK Women are sacred.
VIN DIESEL Women are to be championed and revered, not objectified.
PAUL RYAN Women are not all single-issue voters.
CARLY FIORINA Women are hilarious.
ERIK GRIFFIN Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.
MARGARET ATWOOD All women are inferior to men.
GARRY KASPAROV Men and women are most alike at their most mature and soulful levels. Men and women are most differe...
RICHARD ROHR In God, the characteristics of men and women that we admire in men and women are combined. That'...
ANDREW GREELEY Competing in show jumping is a school of life. And it's one of the few Olympic sports where men ...
CHARLOTTE CASIRAGHI Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
JAMES THURBER Take me to the height where success would seek my help to succeed!
I ARE Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. But beautiful women don't need to know about...
KATHARINE HEPBURN Politics is there the way men and women are there, the way the Atlantic Ocean is there. Sometimes I&...
KENNETH KOCH The real thing that keeps men and women apart, is fear. Women blame men and men blame women, but the...
C. JOYBELL C. Men are virtuous because women are; women are virtuous from necessity
EDGAR WATSON HOWE Women are cursed and men are the proof.
ROSEANNE There are certain things women are better at than men.
ADAM CAROLLA Women are one of the Almighty's enigmas to prove to men that He knows more than they do.
ELLEN GLASGOW The enemy isn't men, or women, it's bloody stupid people and no one has the right to be stupid.
TERRY PRATCHETT Men were stupid to forget what good sleuths women could be.
EDAN LEPUCKI It's difficult for me to trust a woman. Men are attracted to beautiful women. Women are attracte...
CURTIS JACKSON But all over Ohio - all over America - men and women are going back to work with the pride of buildi...
TED STRICKLAND Men are pigs, darling. I really have every sympathy for women that they actually have to choose one ...
MICHAEL WINNER Women are designed to help men and men are designed to love and honor them
SOTONYE ANGA When a man loses superiority, he loses potency. That's what all this talk about castrating women is ...
MARILYN FRENCH The fact that men and women are nominated this year in films that women have directed is good for wo...
CATHERINE WYLER The fact that men and women are nominated this year in films that women have directed is good for wo...
CATHERINE HARDWICKE In our civilization, men are afraid that they will not be men enough and women are afraid that they ...
THEODOR REIK Saying this tongue-in-cheek but as far as men are concerned women are toys and as far as women are c...
KEN O. ELDIB Nature says women are human beings, men have made religions to deny it. Nature says women are human ...
TASLIMA NASRIN Liberalism has produced women that are driven like men to succeed and men that succeed in being driv...
DANIEL BRYANT GATES Men are jerks. Women are psychotic.
KURT VONNEGUT JR. Men become much more attractive when they start looking older. But it doesn't do much for women, tho...
BETTE DAVIS If men knew all that women think, they would be twenty times more audacious
ALPHONSE KARR How different the reasoning is that men adopt when they are discussing the cases of men and those of...
EMMELINE PANKHURST Men make the moral code and they expect women to accept it
EMMELINE PANKHURST I identify with women more than men. I guess I have a strong feminine side.
LENNY KRAVITZ Women prefer men who have something tender about them -- especially the legal kind.
KAY INGRAM One does so hate to admit that the average woman is kinder, finer, more quick of sympathy and on the...
SHERWOOD ANDERSON There is no difference between men and women and I tried to prove that even in logic men and women a...
JANA TYLOVA Blessed are the elderly men and women.
LAILAH GIFTY AKITA Women are always beautiful.
VILLE VALO Women are hard on themselves.
EMILY VANCAMP Women are truly, truly awesome.
EMILY WEISS Women are the root of all evils. Men are the evils !!!
EPHDAN Men are allowed to get older and women are not.
SHIRLEY KNIGHT As long as she doesn't turn too smart for men
For the stupid ones, she will, Madame. But who wa...
NINA GEORGE There are two categories of women. Those who are women and those who are mens wives.
CHARLOTTE WHITTON If all men are born free, why is it that all women are born slaves?
MARY ASTELL If all men are born free, how is it that all women are born slaves?
MARY ASTELL Is it men or women who work the
most in slaughterhouses?
Is it men or women who are
most involved in...
O ANNA NIEMUS Why is it men are permitted to be obsessed about their work, but women are only permitted to be obse...
BARBRA STREISAND I refuse to believe that all men are pigs and women competing whores.
ANASTASIA Men aren't the way they are because they want to drive women crazy; they've been trained to be that...
BARBARA DE ANGELIS Men aren't the way they are because they want to drive women crazy; they've been trained to be that ...
BARBARA DE ANGELIS American men are like women.
BIKRAM CHOUDHURY Many differences are rooted in biology and reinforced through culture, so it's important to ackn...
DEE DEE MYERS The three sexes are men, women, and professors.
J. E. SPINGARN There are older men with younger women but you don't see a lot of older women with younger men. ...
TORI AMOS I think that women are much more collaborative; men are much more competitive.
KAREN BASS I'm not denyin' the women are foolish. God Almighty made 'em to match the men.
GEORGE ELIOT When women are in positions of power it's a hard place to be, especially when that position invo...
ALISON PILL Women are more sure of themselves today. They don't have to emulate the way men dress.
GIANNI VERSACE Demands for equality for women are threats to men's self-esteem and sense of sexual turf.
ALICE S. ROSSI Overall, women are a lot more fun to work with than a bunch of men.
ERIC MABIUS Basically, all women are nurturers and healers, and all men are mental patients to varying degrees.
NELSON DEMILLE
More George Carlin
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GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
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GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.
GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long ...
GEORGE CARLIN