I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my senior year, when I couldn't be a Girl Scout anymore. I was in clubs like Junior Achievement, and I ran track and field. My grades were good, but then toward 11th grade they were nothing. I always went to summer school.
Amy Sedaris
Related My mom and I have always been really close. She's always been the friend that was always there. ... TAYLOR SWIFT I started dancing when I was about 15 or 16 in my high school drama club, and then I liked it so muc... GARRETT CLAYTON So by the time I got to Michigan I was a stutterer. I couldn't talk. So my first year of school ... JAMES EARL JONES I was, throughout school, in the theater program. Through elementary school, junior high, high schoo... GREG GRUNBERG I played football and ran track in junior high, but by high school I was getting serious about my st... GEORGE SMOOT I wasn't really a dark kid, but I was in my head a lot. I got good grades all through my 16 year... KAREN ABBOTT I hardly ever missed school, and I always got my work in on time. I was a good student and always go... TAMSIN EGERTON My earliest thought, long before I was in high school, was just to go away, get out of my house, get... PAUL THEROUX The year after I got drafted, I was average, the team didn't have a very good year and we had a lot ... ANDREW RAYCROFT I ran track in high school. I was a fragile young man, personally and physically. I tried football. ... DANNY PUDI I think the only time I doubted myself was my senior year in high school. I was not offered a Divisi... DOUG FLUTIE I had a heartbreaking experience when I was 9. I always wanted to be a guard. The most wonderful gir... FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak. DANE COOK My mother and my father were teachers. My grandmother and my grandfather were teachers. This is some... WARREN BEATTY I was always around volleyball since I was very young because my sister played in grade school and m... JAY MERGENTHALER I lived in South Africa until I was 11 when we first immigrated. My mom had sent me back there when ... KANDYSE MCCLURE I've always been a slow starter. My first date was with a girl called Cessi. We had a beautiful ... LEONARDO DICAPRIO I never felt that I belonged. When I was at school... First I went to a Jewish school, when I was ve... CHANTAL AKERMAN Most of the time I liked school and got good grades. In junior high, though, I hit a stumbling block... DANICA MCKELLAR Back when I was in school, few people understood dyslexia and what to do for it. My teachers thought... RICHARD BRANSON When I first got sick, they told me I had a year to live, and I was writing my memoir really fast. T... JOHN LURIE Academic achievement was something I'd always sought as a form of reward. Good grades pleased my... CAROLINE KNAPP When I was in school, I was very involved with a lot of things. I was very very active. I couldn'... FAITH FORD I have been a goof my whole life. I wasn't really the popular girl in school and didn't have... MALIN AKERMAN Actually I ran away from school when I was 13. No one could find me, and the police were called. I w... ZHANG ZIYI I still remember the entire Boy Scout motto. I don't remember the serial number of my gun in the... TOMMY LASORDA I went to a Catholic school with 40 kids total. There were no cliques, but I suppose I was the '... TAYLOR COLE I was always the kid in school that teachers were getting after to be quiet. My report card had math... BRANDON JOHNSON I lost my mother and my brother when I was 15 in two separate car accidents. I was doing well at sch... MANU BENNETT I was complexed and awkward that I was good for nothing and was always lying. I would lie to my scho... IMTIAZ ALI The height of my athletic achievement was in 8th grade when I was the point guard for my Jewish day ... NICK KROLL By high school, I was telling everyone, 'Oh, I'm going to be a doctor when I grow up,' b... AJA NAOMI KING In school, I was the quietest girl ever! I had a lot of trouble in school. Kids were mean to me. CHER LLOYD He was always one of my biggest supporters. My junior year, I was the only girl on the track team an... LYNN LAFREE I was taking electives, and that branched into theater. Theater led to me taking a break during the ... WES BROWN I did a lot of my school on set. Some years I went to a private school for a couple of hours, and th... CANDACE CAMERON BURE My father was in Congress when I was born. He was mayor my whole life from when I was in grade schoo... NANCY PELOSI I liked to scrapbook and collage a whole lot in high school. I'm always ripping things out of ma... JENNA USHKOWITZ In middle school, I started to draw, and my pencil sketches were huge. They were these 4ft by 3ft dr... JEFF KINNEY It was awkward because the high school that I went to, my aunt taught at, it was this private boy... IAN HARDING I was always a show girl. My parents were wonderful. There wasn't a lot going on where we lived,... ANNA MAXWELL MARTIN I love fashion. I always have. When I was a kid, I was in almost full-on costumes when I went to sch... LAKE BELL My family did not talk about college. No one went to college. I was the first one to go and the firs... ALISHA VALENZUELA My Girl Scout leader. She told me if I listened more and talked less, I could grow up to be a good w... JUDITH VIORST I went to school in drag, in art school and my day was completely different because everybody though... GERARD WAY I was really desperate. I don't know if you can remember back that far, but when I went to gradu... SHANNON LUCID I loved being away from school. I didn't really fancy school that much when I was little; it was... GERALDINE BROOKS I have kept a diary, WITHNAIL AND I In France, the image I had was of a shy girl - a poor lonely girl and not too good-looking. When I w... FRANCOISE HARDY Aye, well, I've got my garden. LIKE I I told my Nike representative, 'Why didn't you guys use me for this?''' Williams said, laughing. LIKE I On the interception, I was out of bounds, LIKE I casually made his 'abort black fetuses' argument. LIKE I I can field my position. If I start worrying about being ready for a line drive too soon that means ... LIKE I I told him that he played a great game,'' said Falcons quarterback Michael Vick , who like Manning w... LIKE I I was so concerned with getting the ball out of my hands and not taking the sack, that sometimes I t... LIKE I I knew I had to throw the ball better,'' Manning said of his poor start. LIKE I I think the reason that I have that title or that moniker is because people don't know what to expec... LIKE I You're either ready and prepared to take on the task, or you're not,'' he said. LIKE I I did not have one butterfly out there today,'' he said. LIKE I Married to the Mob. LIKE I Hello you're with Drudge. LIKE I I don't expect Christian Fundamentalists to reach out to me. They are adamant that homosexuals are i... LIKE I throw enough shit at the wall and some should stick? LIKE I I'm not happy, that's all I can say about it,'' he said. LIKE I I always dressed as a man when I was at school. I loved wearing a tie and a shirt, and I was always ... CATE BLANCHETT In high school, my mom's friend was a location scout, and there was a shoot at our house. I came... LAURA HARRIER I was the only black girl at my junior high school. I had an afro, a Jamaican accent, I looked reall... GRACE JONES I DJ'd for years. I DJ'd in high school, and I think my parents thought it was a passing thi... KASKADE I was nerdy and really into computers. I was a good student until my senior year, when I started tra... TONY HAWK I went to a very academically competitive high school. So I was always quite studious and quiet, jus... BEN BARNES I like being a Girl Scout. DEBBIE REYNOLDS The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids ... SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT When I was growing up, my brother liked the Beatles, and I liked the Rolling Stones. I think if I we... GEORGE EZRA I didn't really start going to see a lot of musicals and live theater probably until I was in se... THOMAS KAIL I was always an actor, starting in middle school. I was in all the plays and all that. But dancing d... HARRY SHUM, JR. Implants were something I thought I wanted when I was younger, and now I don't. It was hard bein... HEATHER MORRIS I took a writing class in college, liked it, and my first year out of school I couldn't get a jo... ZOE KAZAN When the company first got started, we were in my mom and dad's house, in 1973, and the office was i... DAVID JAMES For my first apartment, when I was first married, I went to the lumberyard and bought stuff and made... MICHAEL GRAVES I was an educated girl. I'd done very well in school. I had a good point average and graduated f... MARLO THOMAS I went to high school, and I started getting bullied because I was very weird. I mean, freshman year... LELE PONS I was always incredibly obsessed with germs and cleaning and taking shower after shower after shower... HOWIE MANDEL I did volleyball, basketball, and track all through high school. And then I went to junior college a... DOT JONES When I was 13, I was in my tent at Girl Scout camp, trying to change out of my bathing suit and talk... CASEY WILSON I quit high school on my birthday. It was my senior year and I didn't see the point. This was 19... BARRY WHITE I wasn't athletic as a kid, and I was self-conscious about my body, but then in eighth grade I w... MATT MCGORRY In high school, I did a little track and field and ran on my own. In college, I would run every now ... NATALIE MORALES I went to Harvard College and determined right away when I was a junior that I was unemployable, sin... HAMILTON E. JAMES I've always had this identity thing. When I was little, I was always changing my handwriting bec... LIANNE LA HAVAS I just always knew I wanted to be an actor. I gave my Emmy acceptance speech when I was 11. But, I w... AZITA GHANIZADA I didn't care for most of the books I was being asked to read in school. I started reading like ... JAMES PATTERSON There were definitely curveballs in my growing up, from a family aspect. My parents got divorced whe... TAYLOR HICKS I ran track for my school. I played football, but I didn't play for my high school; I played for... NATE ROBINSON I was a 2-year-old baby on something, but it's not like I had lines. But I actually had my first... TROIAN BELLISARIO When I went to college, I went to a junior college. I wanted to go to the University of Alabama but ... DEONTAY WILDER I went to school and made good grades and went to college. So I was afforded an opportunity through ... ANTHONY MACKIE I've always loved acting, even from when I was a child. But when I got on stage, I realised I co... CLARON MCFADDEN I started singing in pubs and clubs around Belfast when I was 10. My dad is a musician, and he took ... RACHEL TUCKER I went to a high school that didn't have many people in it. There were, like, 60 people in my se... MATTHEW PERRY
More Amy Sedaris
Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his ... AMY SEDARIS Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were ... AMY SEDARIS My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper. AMY SEDARIS I never really take shortcuts. I was always one of those people who, instead of cutting across someo... AMY SEDARIS You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use y... AMY SEDARIS I'm very domestic; I love cleaning. I love cooking. I like waiting on people. I just like to mak... AMY SEDARIS I'm not a good storyteller. I always think I'm going to get interrupted, or something's ... AMY SEDARIS People who shop in health food stores never look healthy. AMY SEDARIS I wouldn't call myself a shut-in. I have the ability to leave my home; I just choose not to. But... AMY SEDARIS I think it's still kind of weird to memorize a line, because you're supposed to 'be'... AMY SEDARIS More men than women like 'Strangers With Candy'. Pretty girls don't like the show. They ... AMY SEDARIS I like crafts that are made out of necessity because they're a little naive - you made it becaus... AMY SEDARIS I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color. AMY SEDARIS If I put my mind to something, it happens. I do know that's not necessarily psychic. But I alway... AMY SEDARIS You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character acto... AMY SEDARIS Sometimes, to keep things exciting, I decorate my house as if I owned a child. I'll toss a tiny ... AMY SEDARIS But I always like to play ugly people who think they're pretty. AMY SEDARIS My father and I have a very good relationship. We always got along. But I always scold him. AMY SEDARIS When people tell me they are going to go scrapbooking, I say, 'Why don't you make it yoursel... AMY SEDARIS Books are challenging and inspirational to me. AMY SEDARIS I love costumes. My dream growing up was always to have my own costume and prop shop. AMY SEDARIS I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, includ... AMY SEDARIS I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd ge... AMY SEDARIS I like to decide the night before Thanksgiving that I'm gonna do it, and I'll see what riff ... AMY SEDARIS We're all used to seeing pretty people. I want to see real people. AMY SEDARIS My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea m... AMY SEDARIS I have always wanted a bunny and I'll always have a rabbit the rest of my life. AMY SEDARIS My characters always like themselves. AMY SEDARIS It's all about process to me - as long as it's fun to me, I don't care about the final product. AMY SEDARIS It was more of their quirky show. It was more like a cult show. The ratings weren't really that high... AMY SEDARIS I'm satisfied just thinking of the idea. AMY SEDARIS I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive. AMY SEDARIS I'm not a first-place person. AMY SEDARIS You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors w... AMY SEDARIS I always got along with all types of people - popular people as well as drug addicts. AMY SEDARIS It's driving me crazy! It's awful. I saw four last night during the Academy Awards. Four little baby... AMY SEDARIS I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive. AMY SEDARIS I really don't like going out. I don't like restaurants because I don't like the idea of... AMY SEDARIS They just expected it to you know... Paul, Steve and I could have hired our own publicist, if we wan... AMY SEDARIS I like to entertain in all aspects. When you're with somebody and you're out, you want to be... AMY SEDARIS I wasn't a cliquey person, and I think that's because I came from a large family. I got alon... AMY SEDARIS My kitchen's pink, like skin-tone pink, and I lowered my spice rack so it's eye level - it... AMY SEDARIS I'm drawn to people who look different. I'm not exploiting. I'm not making fun of them. I'm drawn to... AMY SEDARIS The moment someone says, “Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,” your party is over. AMY SEDARIS Poof! It's magic! AMY SEDARIS I don't mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that directi... AMY SEDARIS My mother always said 'Don't bother other people.' I think that's good advice. AMY SEDARIS Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking. AMY SEDARIS Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives. AMY SEDARIS In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen. AMY SEDARIS I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color. AMY SEDARIS I'm not ambitious. AMY SEDARIS No, um, I have a rabbit. AMY SEDARIS I want witchcraft so bad that I can't stand it. I have wands in my apartment. And I use them som... AMY SEDARIS I have a lot of fake food in my apartment, but I'm picky about it. Old plaster food, like from t... AMY SEDARIS I hate playing pretty or sane people. Most people are not attractive or all there. AMY SEDARIS If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve. DAVID SEDARIS I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. DAVID SEDARIS I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people sa... DAVID SEDARIS If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve. DAVID SEDARIS Einstein wrote that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.... DAVID SEDARIS Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at." DAVID SEDARIS We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of phys... DAVID SEDARIS Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character. DAVID SEDARIS Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it. DAVID SEDARIS Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading th... DAVID SEDARIS Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, th... DAVID SEDARIS I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's... DAVID SEDARIS The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing ... DAVID SEDARIS The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insis... DAVID SEDARIS In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New Yor... DAVID SEDARIS People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than ... DAVID SEDARIS Mr. Mancini had a singular talent for making me uncomfortable. He forced me to consider things I’d... DAVID SEDARIS Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes... DAVID SEDARIS For as long as I can remember, my father saved. He saves money, he saves disfigured sticks that rese... DAVID SEDARIS I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity. DAVID SEDARIS but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment. DAVID SEDARIS Potential boyfriends could not smoke Merit cigarettes, own or wear a pair of cowboy boots, or eat an... DAVID SEDARIS It's a common mistake for vacationing Americans to assume that everyone around them is French and th... DAVID SEDARIS I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an ... DAVID SEDARIS If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt? I accepte... DAVID SEDARIS What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyo... DAVID SEDARIS In order to get the things I want, it helps me to pretend I’m a figure in a daytime drama, a schem... DAVID SEDARIS Amy adored both the new look and the new person it allowed her to be. Following the photo shoot, she... DAVID SEDARIS The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate. DAVID SEDARIS The italian nanny was attempting to answer the teachers latest question when the moroccan student in... DAVID SEDARIS I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an ... DAVID SEDARIS At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loade... DAVID SEDARIS On my fifth trip to France I limited myself to the words and phrases that people actually use. From ... DAVID SEDARIS When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that,... DAVID SEDARIS I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I coul... DAVID SEDARIS Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an und... DAVID SEDARIS Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might ca... DAVID SEDARIS When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy. DAVID SEDARIS If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever. DAVID SEDARIS People in trailers were canned and labeled much like the apple juice down at the plant, stamped with... DAVID SEDARIS There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows. DAVID SEDARIS I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwi... DAVID SEDARIS The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections o... DAVID SEDARIS The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-y... DAVID SEDARIS My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard o... DAVID SEDARIS Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. DAVID SEDARIS I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter... DAVID SEDARIS It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will... DAVID SEDARIS After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where... DAVID SEDARIS To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. DAVID SEDARIS Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to ... DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a ... DAVID SEDARIS What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. DAVID SEDARIS People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive i... DAVID SEDARIS No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. DAVID SEDARIS Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people a... DAVID SEDARIS After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I d... DAVID SEDARIS For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but... DAVID SEDARIS At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would ... DAVID SEDARIS I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but I still keep a long list of prospective candi... DAVID SEDARIS As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners. DAVID SEDARIS People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that t... DAVID SEDARIS I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it... DAVID SEDARIS But most good movies have a gun in them. DAVID SEDARIS They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too genero... DAVID SEDARIS I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorist... DAVID SEDARIS But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. DAVID SEDARIS Maybe I'll learn a trade. I've considered taxidermy. I always thought it was a shame you couldn't do... DAVID SEDARIS I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospecti... DAVID SEDARIS I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodr... DAVID SEDARIS I've become like one of those people I hate, the sort who go to the museum and, instead of looking a... DAVID SEDARIS If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you... DAVID SEDARIS There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus “Leave me the fuck alone” comes o... DAVID SEDARIS A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more ... DAVID SEDARIS Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering ... DAVID SEDARIS You're the man now,' she said to me after my father died, 'you're the man.' Then she turned to Popey... DAVID SEDARIS On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot... DAVID SEDARIS It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking. DAVID SEDARIS States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don't want to get married, it tends t... DAVID SEDARIS I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed. DAVID SEDARIS When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers o... DAVID SEDARIS It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of... DAVID SEDARIS Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th... DAVID SEDARIS Seven beers followed by two Scotches and a thimble of marijuana and it's funny how sleep comes all o... DAVID SEDARIS I'm just a big liar. DAVID SEDARIS On Undecided Voters: "To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The f... DAVID SEDARIS It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my ... DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter o... DAVID SEDARIS In Paris the cashiers sit rather than stand. They run your goods over a scanner, tally up the price,... DAVID SEDARIS Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt... DAVID SEDARIS I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people... DAVID SEDARIS He took a sip of my father’s weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit’s like making... DAVID SEDARIS Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar wit... DAVID SEDARIS Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in m... DAVID SEDARIS Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Drac... DAVID SEDARIS Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and... DAVID SEDARIS Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th... DAVID SEDARIS Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—... DAVID SEDARIS I asked her, dreamily, if we had met, and when she told me that we had not, I gave her a little fing... DAVID SEDARIS Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage. DAVID SEDARIS I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candi... DAVID SEDARIS If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. DAVID SEDARIS … [I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve... DAVID SEDARIS One thing about English-language bookstores in the age of Amazon is that it assumes that everybody h... DAVID SEDARIS When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out. DAVID SEDARIS Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires. Hot as shi... DAVID SEDARIS the lower bunks, both of us longing to be pinned. “You kids think you invented sex,” my mother w... DAVID SEDARIS Someone in our family had taken to wiping his or her ass on the bath towels. What made this exceptio... DAVID SEDARIS The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American wom... DAVID SEDARIS The thing to remeber is that more than anything in this world, these colored people wish they were w... DAVID SEDARIS the beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentle... DAVID SEDARIS The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing some... DAVID SEDARIS You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholi... DAVID SEDARIS What are you, tap dancing up there? You want a put on a show, do you? Well, the theater's closed for... DAVID SEDARIS You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, j... DAVID SEDARIS My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for _who_ I am. Concentrate too hard... DAVID SEDARIS They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of... DAVID SEDARIS Motherfucker, you haven't got the fucking balls God gave a goddamned church mouse. You crawled out o... DAVID SEDARIS Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertai... DAVID SEDARIS He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us! DAVID SEDARIS Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where ... DAVID SEDARIS We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy han... DAVID SEDARIS If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit... DAVID SEDARIS Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you some... DAVID SEDARIS I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching t... DAVID SEDARIS As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character. DAVID SEDARIS The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day. DAVID SEDARIS I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down m... DAVID SEDARIS I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot. DAVID SEDARIS What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was... DAVID SEDARIS I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so. DAVID SEDARIS College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for... DAVID SEDARIS between the disfigurement and the muzzle, it's nearly impossible to catch what she's saying. Always,... DAVID SEDARIS Shit is the tofu of cursing. DAVID SEDARIS I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective c... DAVID SEDARIS Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that t... DAVID SEDARIS When her muzzle grew more white than brown, the chipmunk forgot that she and the squirrel had had no... DAVID SEDARIS If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven... DAVID SEDARIS The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as lo... DAVID SEDARIS Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto. DAVID SEDARIS That man tried to picka my frienda’s pocketoni! DAVID SEDARIS They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should... DAVID SEDARIS All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is sa... DAVID SEDARIS He's as nutty as a vegan T-bone. DAVID SEDARIS