I am the most pious person in the room. Even though I have no pie - I have pizza, and what can be more virtuous than eating all by yourself?

Eating pizza is like having a little heaven in your nose. Wait, that's not what you eat pizza with. I always get it confused with pizza-pie.

With their virtues they want to scratch out the eyes of their enemies; and they elevate themselves only that they may lower others.

Why just order a pizza, when you can get a restraining order for the delivery guys, make them come to you, sue them, and get all the profit?

The person who talks most of his own virtue is often the least virtuous

If you have half a nothing - sell it for a double something, resell half at double-price, and buy another something and a half - how much nothing will you have two days from then? Like three. Because three is the short version of π, and π is involved in virtually anything, in some form, if you believe what the internet tells you.