I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
Erma Bombeck
Related You cant live champagne life,if you cant buy beer. I DONT KNOW no one knows why we are put on this earth i dont think any of them are true i dont even know why we ... DALLY SALAD It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. -Erma Bombeck. ERMA BOMBECK 1)I admit it, you are better than I am. 2)Then why are you smiling? 1)Because I know something you d... THE PRINCESS BRIDE Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on. HENRY ROLLINS You know what happens to scar tissue. It's the strongest part of your skin. MICHAEL R. MANTELL To dream the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable foe, to bear with unbearable sorrow, to run w... JOE DARION scar tissue that i wish you saw sarcastic Mr. Know-it-all ANTHONY KIEDIS I think it's a chance for people who didn't know about tissue donation to become aware. LINDA FRASER 1)Who are you? 2)No one of consequence. 1)I must know. 2)Get used to disappointment. THE PRINCESS BRIDE I know there have been calls to doctors by people who have received tissue. I can understand why peo... LINDA FRASER I probably carry more scar tissue on my derriere than any other candidate- that's political scar tis... ALEXANDER HAIG Take a second out to think about this: in your life you search and search for the right person for y... IAN PHILPOT The grocery store is the great equalizer where mankind comes to grips with the facts of life like to... JOSEPH GOLDBERG One of the nice things about tissue is we are not losing market share. We are No. 1 in our industry ... KATHLEEN WALTERS I'm in the middle of the road, it seems vague of unclear way, of where I'm going but no matter what ... HLONIM They stand uncertainly underneath immense skies, and everything about them is drowned. JACK KEROUAC I heard the Denver and Rio Grande locomotives howling off in to the mountains. I wanted to pursue my... JACK KEROUAC I read my copy of On the Road and dug the scenery whizzing past. On the Road is a semi-autobiographi... CORY DOCTOROW In our skulls, we carry around 3 pounds of slimy, wet, greyish tissue, corrugated like crumpled toil... ELIEZER YUDKOWSKY We actually talked about 1-2-3, that was the ultimate dream and the ultimate goal. He was fourth? Wh... JEFF PAIN All the interests of my reason, speculative as well as practical, combine in the three following que... IMMANUEL KANT For example, you have to spit into a tissue or a bag, then place it in a dustbin to complete the pro... ZHANG HUIGUANG Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing ... DAVID LETTERMAN We already have stringent regulations in place for tissue donor screening and for handling and proce... JULIE ZAWISZA If someone says, 'I love that lipstick,' I will always try to answer, honestly, if I know wh... TAMRON HALL No one really knows why they are alive until they know what they'd die for. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. If you ever want to know why I'm not on a record label, look at 'The X Factor!' Honestly... JOHN LYDON Fat tissue is the bamboo of human tissue. They're in abundance, replenishable and easily acquired. ADAM KATZ When you try to talk about yourself, you dont know who you are, or what your like, or what your like... CAROL CHANNING But the dust! And the clutter! My housewifely and scholarly instincts were equally offended. ELIZABETH PETERS But when have I ever needed saving? "Are you a Wendy?" I whisper to myself, scanning the low ro... TRACY WARD I think this is the biggest game of the year for us. It's huge. I thought there was a big difference... MATT HALL We weren't rotating very well on our top two people. Then we changed to a 3-2, and that confused the... BOB BLAKE What matters is the one thing I do know for certain: God is with me. CRAIG GROESCHEL Your image is as stained on my heart as the very tissue that forms it. DEDRICK D. L. PITTER Don't sacrifice the present and attempt to achieve the impossible- to completely correct the past...... ASSEGID HABTEWOLD The starter is really hurting people. You're supposed to be down for 1 1/2, 2 seconds at the most. W... KIP CARPENTER [Notre Dame defeated back-to-back ranked teams (No. 23 Pittsburgh, No. 3 Michigan) on the road for t... BRADY QUINN This one may be the worst because No. 1, it was Minnesota; No. 2, it was at home; and No. 3, it was ... AARON KAMPMAN She mowed them down. 1-2-3, 1-2-3. TOM JONES All day long it would pick up, die down, then switch directions. I didn't know where I stood most of... CRAIG KANADA I don't know. Why Joe Mama? KENJI JOHJIMA 1+1 may not be 2, depending on your mindset. As 2+3*4 may be 14 or 20 depending on your calculator. KIMTO OCHE EMMANUEL Soft tissue injuries are tough. You never know. It's just a tough injury to treat and deal with. MICHAEL DOLEAC No one knows the cost of a defective product - don't tell me you do. You know the cost of replac... W. EDWARDS DEMING As most people know, I am a vampire, so I have no reflection. Every day, I paste a picture of someon... MEAT LOAF Breast cancer is thought to use cholesterol to help the cancer migrate and invade more tissue. MICHAEL GREGER When I die it will be game over,... but I know one life is short, to be selfish is not the best deci... DEYTH BANGER As a congressman, why should I be forced to peruse cable stations and blog sites for information on ... JOHN FLEMING We're certainly a lot deeper. Last year our No. 1 through 7 runners were set and there was a line be... KRIS ALEXANDER The four cornerstones of the American political psyche are 1) emotion substituted for thought, 2) fe... JOE BAGEANT You could actually feel the tissue in there ripping away as the knee bent more. Then it would swell ... MARCUS MCCLINTON VIEW FROM A HILL I am not yet quite over it. I am lying down on top of it. Surv... JOHN TOTTENHAM All of my policy is not based on a label. It's based on what I lived and what I know. NIKKI HALEY We played a great game all around. Everyone contributed, and everyone on the team scored. To go 3-1 ... DANA BRUTON There is, I am sensible, an age at which every individual of you would choose to stop; and you will ... JEAN-JACQUES ROUSSEAU But thing in the past are like plate that’s shattered to pieces. You can never put it back togethe... HARUKI MURAKAMI The whole town had instantly gone to bed; the only noise now was barking dogs. How could I ever slee... JACK KEROUAC I ate apple pie and ice cream—it was getting better as I got deeper into Iowa, the pie bigger, the... JACK KEROUAC Somewhere along the line, the pearl would be handed to me. JACK KEROUAC How would you feel if you didn't know where your mother was for one day? Imagine 4 1/2 months. DENISE HERBERT This is why it was a great day. No. 1, Snitsky didn't kill anyone. No. 2, Coach didn't win. No. 3, C... JOHN CENA To change one's life: 1. Start immediately, 2. Do it flamboyantly, 3. No exceptions. WILLIAM JAMES You know guys like me and Fuzzy (Zoeller), you spend three hours on the range out here, but you know... CRAIG STADLER I dont know if anybody knows how to recover from this, BOB ISRAEL Our chemistry is definitely the key. It seems we're on the same page. We pass well because we've pla... BRITTANY ENGLE No. No. It's the preseason. You make mistakes, you learn, you move on. That's why they call it prese... CHAD HUTCHINSON It's certainly disappointing by any measure, ... I think the industry is going to be close to flat, ... BOB BUCHANAN Life is like the game super mario brothers. Remember as a kid when you were trying to pass levels 1 ... VALERIE ROSE STERRETT Fallen-tree video is absolutely essential to hurricane broadcasts. The most sought-after footage is,... CARL HIAASEN There are four types of men in this world: 1. The man who knows, and knows that he knows; he is wise... IBN GABIROL There are four types of men in this world: 1. The man who knows, and knows that he knows; he is wise... SOLOMON IBN GABIROL BEN JUDAH They sprang it on us and it obviously worked. I think they were in kind of a weird zone. There were ... JAMES AUGUSTINE How do you know if something is real? That’s easy. Does it change you? Does it form you? Does it g... C. JOYBELL C. A fundamental premise in cancer therapy is trying to identify how the metabolism of cancer cells dif... DAVID PERLMUTTER Man, I don't know how it was for other comics, but that one appearance has changed my life. Everyone... JO KOY I haven't found that term in a medical book yet. It's human tissue. It's his. No kidding. JOSEPH TACOPINA I was just a little scared because, one, what if I miss it; two, what if I slip, I might fall into t... DAX MAIER It's my job as a supporting actor - which I usually am - to support the film: to make 1, 2, or 3... JUDY GREER We can show that there are differences in the profiles of chemicals that come from the tissue, and t... JUSTIN WISEMAN I just thought about the impact she was making on me. Then, it took more of a global perspective. To... KRISTINA MATARAZZO Everybody knows that you can't see Dracula's reflection in a mirror, but nobody has ever asked, 'Why... STEPHEN SOMMERS We transplant the cells on a scaffold that keeps them alive, then directs them to leave in a control... DAVID MOONEY Stunned. Still stunned. I can't believe that they would take tissue without consent. KEVIN VICKERS Facebook rules:
1. Stay on subject of the status.. For some reason my status's turn into a religious... NERISSA IRVING I don't know what reason there is to be cautious anymore. Once the tissues have broken up and there'... A.J. BURNETT The way I see it, there are three choices. 1) Continue to do the same stuff you’ve been doing and ... TAMARA AW It was amazing to me that one competition could bring so much attention to the sport. When I'm on pl... SHAUN WHITE Three life lessons: 1.No one will see you. 2.No one will say anything. 3.No one will ... ELIZABETH SCOTT That's what it's all about. No one knows what's going on right away. You don't know grades or transf... PATRICK ARNEY Matters of the heart were important, but people tended to put too much stock in the particular organ... KELLY MORAN A plague more monstrous than anything we have experienced could spread with all the irrevocability o... WILLIAM S. COHEN I know I did the right thing, but no one would ever understand. ERIN HUNTER To change one's life: 1. Starte immediately, 2. Do it flamboyantly, 3. No exceptions. -William Jame... WILLIAM JAMES Dad, is she serious?" John shrugged. "I argue with your Mama, I sleep on the couch and she does... MOLLY MCADAMS We found a way to lose it at the end. We had played well for 3 1/2 quarters. BRIAN URLACHER You never like to see a guy bothered by any discomfort, but on the other hand, we recognize that whe... BILL STONEMAN Depending on what market data you use, what we found last year is that we achieved the No. 2 positio... JUHA PARK It is a cruel game and it is very harsh on the players. To come in 3-1 down at half-time felt unfair... TONY MOWBRAY
More Erma Bombeck
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ERMA BOMBECK You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, ... ERMA BOMBECK Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. ERMA BOMBECK I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. ERMA BOMBECK I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've nev... ERMA BOMBECK The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are thre... ERMA BOMBECK In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television. ERMA BOMBECK Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. ERMA BOMBECK Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. ERMA BOMBECK If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. ERMA BOMBECK When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others ERMA BOMBECK When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog... ERMA BOMBECK Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. ERMA BOMBECK A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. ERMA BOMBECK I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. BY all accou... ERMA BOMBECK Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And f... ERMA BOMBECK Never order food in excess of your body weight. ERMA BOMBECK The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going to... ERMA BOMBECK No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday. ERMA BOMBECK It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job. ERMA BOMBECK As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all ... ERMA BOMBECK Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Expect a phone call before lunch... ERMA BOMBECK I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself." ERMA BOMBECK You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if... ERMA BOMBECK Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one t... ERMA BOMBECK Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the... ERMA BOMBECK Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. ERMA BOMBECK Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. ERMA BOMBECK Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten... ERMA BOMBECK Housework can kill you if done right. ERMA BOMBECK I was going to have inner peace if I had to break a few heads to do it. ERMA BOMBECK My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerato... ERMA BOMBECK Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishe... ERMA BOMBECK It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have ... ERMA BOMBECK The grass is always greener over the septic tank. ERMA BOMBECK Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. ERMA BOMBECK A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the k... ERMA BOMBECK A child develops individuality long before he discovers taste ERMA BOMBECK Housework can kill you if done right ERMA BOMBECK People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same... ERMA BOMBECK I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ''Checkout Ti... ERMA BOMBECK What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? ERMA BOMBECK The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had ... ERMA BOMBECK If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits? ERMA BOMBECK There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's... ERMA BOMBECK Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. ERMA BOMBECK The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect ... ERMA BOMBECK Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but moth... ERMA BOMBECK I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!"... ERMA BOMBECK Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work... ERMA BOMBECK Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it's unplanned... ERMA BOMBECK At some point in your life if you're lucky you throw practicality to the wind and
start living. ERMA BOMBECK There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've... ERMA BOMBECK Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that ... ERMA BOMBECK For years [my wedding ring] has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my ... ERMA BOMBECK Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. ERMA BOMBECK Girls mature faster than boys, cost more to raise, and statistics show that the old saw about girls ... ERMA BOMBECK If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits? ERMA BOMBECK Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until... ERMA BOMBECK There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ERMA BOMBECK One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of ... ERMA BOMBECK Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. ERMA BOMBECK There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it... ERMA BOMBECK I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. ERMA BOMBECK A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. ERMA BOMBECK How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? ERMA BOMBECK What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? ERMA BOMBECK Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue. ERMA BOMBECK As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all... ERMA BOMBECK You couldn't get me on Mars if it were the last place on earth. ERMA COHEN Companions were not allowed to lie. I don’t know why. I had tried a few times when I was young to ... ERMA I TALAMANTE