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I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.


Ellen DeGeneres

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ELLEN DEGENERES The problem with labels is that they lead to stereotypes and stereotypes lead to generalizations and...
ELLEN DEGENERES I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had...
ELLEN DEGENERES Don't hold onto things, it will only bring you pain.
ELLEN DEGENERES That's what life is all about. There's a lot of crying. So you'd better cry now and get used to it.
ELLEN DEGENERES The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.
ELLEN DEGENERES I still get scared at night. Every tiny creak, every little noise, I open my eyes real wide and list...
ELLEN DEGENERES [• Ellen DeGeneres , who was praised for her graceful performance as host of the Emmy Awards that ...
ELLEN DEGENERES We'll go see some theater, and we'll hang out and do some stuff there. We'll go to clubs, ... Ellen ...
ELLEN DEGENERES I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, ''...
ELLEN DEGENERES I feel sorry for the newscasters you know? We can turn it off. But that's their job and they have to...
ELLEN DEGENERES "I'm feeling so good. I feel like a million bucks. I'm focused, I'm alert, I'm zippy and top of my g...
ELLEN DEGENERES Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not...
ELLEN DEGENERES You know me. Any excuse to put on a dress.
ELLEN DEGENERES "I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises."
ELLEN DEGENERES I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, ...
ELLEN DEGENERES Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that...
ELLEN DEGENERES Hello?..Oh, hi Tom. Ooh, I've been dying to see that movie...Mmm no, I just opened up some yogurt. I...
ELLEN DEGENERES It's definitely a heterosexual feeling, but it's directed at you.
ELLEN DEGENERES Yeah [I'm thirty-six], but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old w...
ELLEN DEGENERES I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from......
ELLEN DEGENERES Trying to get the talk show, looking back on it, we had to beg a lot of station managers to pick up ...
ELLEN DEGENERES The first house I bought was a little Spanish bungalow on Clinton Street in West Hollywood, right be...
ELLEN DEGENERES I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave ...
ELLEN DEGENERES It's not like I grew up playing pranks on people, and I was not that girl in school.
ELLEN DEGENERES I just like observing people - it's something I've done ever since I was a kid, and I got re...
ELLEN DEGENERES Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year...
ELLEN DEGENERES Anne wrote it for me and directed, so I was stuck with it, ... We always got along. It's almost gros...
ELLEN DEGENERES New Orleans is my hometown, and our thoughts and prayers go out to everyone affected.
ELLEN DEGENERES I've been trying to find women writers for my staff for a while now and I have three women on my...
ELLEN DEGENERES In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There w...
ELLEN DEGENERES I get bored easily, so I need to do a lot. I've started a record label, so I get to nurture new ...
ELLEN DEGENERES I enjoy growing older and wiser and learning from my mistakes every single day.
ELLEN DEGENERES I've moved about 10 times over the past 15 years. I don't move for the sole purpose of getti...
ELLEN DEGENERES The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime...
ELLEN DEGENERES Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses,...
ELLEN DEGENERES Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slo...
ELLEN DEGENERES Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen ...
ELLEN DEGENERES Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these d...
ELLEN DEGENERES You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She...
ELLEN DEGENERES I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don't care if it's c...
ELLEN DEGENERES I'm grateful for everything. I'm grateful for my health, and I'm so grateful for the lov...
ELLEN DEGENERES I say always follow your passion, no matter what, because even if it's not the same financial su...
ELLEN DEGENERES There would be nothing to get me to run for president. I don't even understand how anyone would ...
ELLEN DEGENERES