I get a little heated when I talk about the past. But I wanted to be clear - I'm not mad at anybody - not anymore.


Dave Chappelle

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And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to ta...
DAVE BARRY
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious pe...
DAVE BARRY
Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.
DAVE BARRY
New York Taxi Rules:1. Driver speaks no English.2. Driver just got here two days ago from someplace ...
DAVE BARRY
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organiza...
DAVE BARRY
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won...
DAVE BARRY
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
DAVE BARRY
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
DAVE BARRY
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
DAVE BARRY
I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Futu...
DAVE BARRY
One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a compute...
DAVE BARRY
If you can't excell with talent, triumph with effort.
DAVE WEINBAUM
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with th...
DAVE BARRY
Our environmental problems originate in the hubris of imagining ourselves as the central nervous sys...
DAVE FOREMAN
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see wit...
DAVE BARRY
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but ...
DAVE BARRY
We are not meant to know everything, Mae. Did you ever think that perhaps our minds are delicately c...
DAVE EGGERS
You sit at a desk twelve hours a day and you have nothing to show for it except some numbers that wo...
DAVE EGGERS
It’s not that I’m not social. I’m social enough. But the tools you guys create actually manufa...
DAVE EGGERS
Even in a country like the USA where fitness has become an obsession, most people exercising do not ...
DAVE WILSON
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, usi...
DAVE BARRY
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this i...
DAVE BARRY
Life's real failure is when you do not realize how close you were to success when you gave up.
DAVE CHECKETT
You can't choose what you're famous for in life.
DAVE KELLETT
The English language was carefully, carefully cobbled together by three blind dudes and a German dic...
DAVE KELLETT
A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple lea...
DAVE MEURER
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should aris...
DAVE BARRY
The future is no place to place your better days.
DAVE MATTHEWS
Nothing can do what a book can do. Lifts you out of your life... to a whole new world, whole new per...
DAVE KELLETT
I was trying to make the web more civil. I was trying to make it more elegant. I got rid of anonymit...
DAVE EGGERS
Gang violence in America is not a sudden problem. It has been a part of urban life for years, offeri...
DAVE REICHERT
It's all very boring to say that we get along great and all that and sometimes we mock up come a...
DAVE EDMUNDS
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
DAVE BARRY
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, includi...
DAVE BARRY
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television witho...
DAVE BARRY
In terms of personalities - I don't care about the personalities, I want leadership that's i...
DAVE BRAT
I became a war hero before going on to critical acclaim as a professional victim.
DAVE PELZER
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
DAVE BARRY
When you please others in hopes of being accepted, you lose you self-worth in the process.
DAVE PELZER
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who re...
DAVE BARRY
I work 338 days a year, 16 hours a day.
DAVE PELZER
At a family's most difficult time, I want to make sure at a minimum that they have the very basi...
DAVE REICHERT