I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik’s artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that’s all fake heart and no brain is what’s commonly called a “politician,” and must be destroyed.



Dark Jar Tin Zoo

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More Dark Jar Tin Zoo

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her hu...
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To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my m...
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If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal.

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Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.

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I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or nee...
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I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.
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Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two litt...
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We made love like green is blue. That’s because we were only half into it, though for the record I...
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Love is bread and water to the soul. My relationships are quite soggy.

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Love is meant to be sipped, rather than chugged, like a glass of wine you drink strait from the bott...
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I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.

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I make love like never, only less often.

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She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of t...
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I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a ...
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We made love like a half a minute. I brought the thirty seconds, and she provided the excuse as to w...
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I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn’t talk about sexual co...
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Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to c...
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Love is the point where Yes meets Yesterday, and that's why I put the No in Now.

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I love like I’m thirsty. Can I offer you a tall glass of Sahara sand?

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In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps.

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I am the Trolley of Love. Free rides before noon and after 11:58 am!

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We had an unspoken love for one another. Probably because she’d never talk to me or return my phon...
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I am in love, and the river is beginning to ice over. I’d better go drown myself before I freeze t...
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I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated.

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I had a dream about you. You looked like you, but you also looked like a mannequin. And I looked lik...
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A fellow has to have faith in God above and Rollie Fingers in the bullpen.
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Every player should be accorded the privilege of at least one season with the Chicago Cubs. That'...
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A manager doesn't hear the cheers.
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The writers want to know were you made your mistake, no how well your curve is breaking.
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There'll be a man on the moon before Gaylord Perry hits a home run.
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[Quotable:] My first year in the big leagues was 1948, and the way we won the pennant, how easy it w...
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A manager doesn't hear the cheers.
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Friendships are forgotten when the game begins.
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There are surprisingly few real students of the game in baseball; partly because everybody, my eight...
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Any pitcher who throws at a batter and deliberately tries to hit him is a communist.
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The Giants were supposed to have a new motto, 'Shut up and deal.'
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Slow thinkers are part of the game too. Some of these slow thinkers can hit a ball a long way.
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Never expect anything less than devotion from someone who has claim on your heart.
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So, what can I do?” I asked.

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I gave him a hurt look.

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As it so happens, I like your mouth."

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I clung to each word that fell from his lips like a spider to a web.
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