I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Erma Bombeck
Related I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've nev... ERMA BOMBECK I've never met a funny person who wasn't smart. I've met a lot of dramatic people who we... ROB LOWE I've had a very unique path that's different from everybody else's. I was never a dater.... HILARY DUFF At one time I smoked, but in 1959 I couldn't think of anything else to give up for Lent so I sto... ETHEL MERMAN Women can have this type of treatment during their lunch hour, and then go back and do all of their ... TINA ALSTER I've never actually directed anything I haven't made up. I've never adapted anything. HARMONY KORINE I don't drink coffee. I've never had a cup of coffee in my entire life. That's something... STEVEN SPIELBERG When I'm building my dome in my chapel, and I had a vision - I've worked on perpetual motion... HOWARD FINSTER My healthiest habit is eating a healthy breakfast every morning. I never miss breakfast. As a busy m... SUMMER SANDERS I haven't watched anything I've been in since I've done it. I have never put in a movie ... HELEN HUNT I have to go out for lunch and dinner because I can't cook. I need a woman to come and save me f... CARROT TOP I'd say without a doubt I've had the most sex scenes in any television show, ever. Last seas... JULIAN MCMAHON I've loved the Internet space in terms of creative content control and ownership, the things I h... KEVIN POLLAK I didn't come from a trailer park. I grew up middle class and my dad had money and my mom made m... KID ROCK I never liked apples. In fact, when I was a little girl, my mom wanted to give me apples in my lunch... LANA PARRILLA I never met a woman I didn't like. I love 'em all, in their different ways. B. B. KING When I have lunch with those guys, they're paying for my lunch. I'm not paying for their lunch. MEL KARMAZIN The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot f... LARRY DAVID I've been to two festivals in my life, and I've never been to Toronto. I haven't really ... JOSS WHEDON I am not a sexy woman, I'm not beautiful, I'm not a sex kitten, I don't flirt with peopl... SHIRLEY MANSON I haven't had to do anything outside of show business my whole life. I've never been a waite... CHRISTOPHER GUEST I've met men who've stood in long lines on my book tours, and they've said things like, ... BEVERLY LEWIS I haven't met too many people that don't intend to have a fulfilling life. High-achievers, h... CLAYTON CHRISTENSEN I haven't met too many people that don't intend to have a fulfilling life. High-achievers, h... CLAYTON M. CHRISTENSEN I like looking nice, but I always put comfort over fashion. I don't find thin girls attractive; ... ADELE I never had a single conversation about politics with Ross Perot in my life; still haven't. JAMES STOCKDALE It's not easy to be my sons because we're very high profile. We try so hard to give them a n... ZHANG XIN I've wanted to be an actor for such a long time that I haven't had anything else in my thoug... ED SPELEERS Sometimes my body wakes me up and says 'Hey, you haven't had pain in a while. How about pain... MATTIE STEPANEK I've been struggling so long with my career that I haven't been in a position to invite a wo... COLIN EGGLESFIELD I'm drawn to women who live in a world different from my own. I don't believe you have to ma... MATT DILLON I have always been principally interested in men for sex. I've always thought any sane woman wou... GERMAINE GREER I've never had my heart broken. It's a very sad state of affairs. I think everybody should h... SALLY FIELD I was working, like, 14-hour days on 'Fargo,' and now if I schedule more than two things in ... ALLISON TOLMAN I've worked with homeless kids, kids in foster care, and I've never met a kid who couldn'... VANESSA DIFFENBAUGH I like that I'm in shape but still look like a woman. I don't feel like I've had to give... MIESHA TATE I've fancied other women, but I haven't done anything about it. KYLIE MINOGUE Every week I read about myself in a magazine, about something that I haven't done or some place ... HILARY DUFF I wanted to tell my story in a way I haven't done before, things I've been going through in ... BUBBA SPARXXX The most important question in American cinema, I've learned, is 'When is lunch?' TOMMY LEE JONES I haven't directed a film since 'Appaloosa,' and I've been looking for something bec... ED HARRIS It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. -Erma Bombeck. ERMA BOMBECK I haven't read a single word that a critic has written about me since 1994. MICHAEL MAYER During the era when women were burning their bras - which, by the way, they never actually did - but... GOLDIE HAWN Mike Tyson is the most complex person I've ever met in my life. I've known Mike since 1986. ... SPIKE LEE I've heard that I've gotten a lighter complexion, as if I've bleached my skin. I think t... NENE LEAKES I've had affairs. But I'm not the sort of man who has 10,000 affairs. GERARD DEPARDIEU I've definitely, you know, been with women. And I've had great relationships with them where... LANCE BASS I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had... ADAM CAROLLA If you think about it, I've never held a job in my life. I went from being an NFL player to a co... JOHN MADDEN I always loved rock guitar. I just never put it together that that's what I'd end up doing. ... SLASH I haven't touched a piece of meat since I read a graphic description of Chicago's slaughterh... CHRISTIE BRINKLEY I pick good women, but I haven't had any luck with my men. ELIZABETH ARDEN I'm still in the Dixie Chicks; we haven't broken up... I love the Dixie Chicks; it's the... NATALIE MAINES Christy Turlington is my dream woman. I haven't met her, but she's married to Edward Burns, ... ROBERT KAZINSKY I've met a lot of people since I was around four years old, some really big ones along the way, ... LARRY BISHOP I've met many, many writers who say they would never write about their family, never write about... PAT CONROY I don't be remembering women that I've met before. I don't remember people as a whole. I... WALE I haven't had that many women - only as many as I could lay my hands on. DUDLEY MOORE I don't believe in paying for sex. Which is why I'll never again pay for a woman's dinne... DAVID WAIN I'd never done any Beckett before 'Krapp,' and I haven't done any of his other plays... JOHN HURT I don't have to walk around in hats or find remote places to go for lunch! I don't get recog... MICHELLE DOCKERY To say that I'm going to veto something that I haven't read is just - or sign something that... DOUG DUCEY All my life, I've been working with male directors, which I've really enjoyed. And I'm l... GAL GADOT If I wasn't even famous or had any success, I would still wake up and put tons of make-up on, an... GWEN STEFANI I haven't read Ibsen, Shaw, Shakespeare - except 'The Merchant of Venice' in ninth grade... AUGUST WILSON I have a very large shoebox overflowing with lyrics I've been writing and collecting since my te... EVAN RACHEL WOOD I can't complain that I've had a public all through my writing life, but people don't qu... ALAN BENNETT Everything in my life - family, friends, even my fiance - are all second to soccer. And I've won... CARLI LLOYD I really don't know where my interest in death comes from. Maybe I've just got a twisted ima... LAURA WADE I've led a charmed life. I've known people who have been depressed, and I've never had t... EARL HAMNER, JR. I get to have Sunday lunch at my mum's, pick my nephew up from school now and then: it's a v... VICKY MCCLURE You are talking to a man who can only play a plastic keyboard. Give me anything weighted and I'v... MIDGE URE I don't go on lunch dates with friends. I hear about people having dinner parties, but I never d... FIONA APPLE I've had a very supportive mother my entire life, so I've had strong women around me. NINA ARIANDA I've made my share of mistakes along the way, but if I have changed even one life for the better... MUHAMMAD ALI I met this woman who was a hundred, this housekeeper, a hundred years old. I interviewed her. She ju... TATE TAYLOR I never would've tried YouTube if I hadn't had so many doors slammed in my face. LINDSEY STIRLING I'm never going to apologize for having a lot of guy friends, and I always have. That happens, a... CAMILLA BELLE If you have never met a woman that would never give up, then you have never met a woman that has see... SHANNON L. ALDER Since I won't get to go into their homes, I really need to see from this journaling what the meal si... PATTI MILLIGAN When I was a boy we didn't wake up with Vietnam and have Cyprus for lunch and the Congo for dinn... LYNDON B. JOHNSON I haven't had a lot of experience with glamour. I've never had to mask myself, as many now n... MELISSA LEO My husband jokes that I'll invite people over for dinner and he won't know who they are or w... CARRIE-ANNE MOSS I don't tour the TV studios. I don't gossip over lunch. I don't drink in Parliament'... THERESA MAY And yet if I drew my thoughts back from him, what life would I have? I would be like a dancer who ha... ARTHUR GOLDEN I've grown up very much living my life very visibly. I've never really hidden who I am. BOY GEORGE I've never met anyone that is their image. MACY GRAY In my life I've learned that true happiness comes from giving. Helping others along the way make... MARLA GIBBS In my life I've learned that true happiness comes from giving. Helping others along the way make... MARLA GIBBS I will not serve lunch to anyone in the middle of a workday. I rarely rearrange my furniture or cabi... CHRISTINA BAKER KLINE I've been a photographer all these years... I haven't been in my own darkroom for 10 years. GRAHAM NASH I say I haven't lost my religion. I've lost my ideology. MAAJID NAWAZ You shouldn't have to give things up for someone. If you love them someone, you should love them... LINDSAY LOHAN I don't think I've had a holiday in my entire life that wasn't about my dad's work. KAT DENNINGS I don't regret what I've been through. I've had ups and downs, super highs and some real... JENNIFER LOPEZ I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tob... ARTURO TOSCANINI All the mistakes I've ever made in my life have been when I've been drunk. I haven't mad... TRACEY EMIN I was brought up by my mum and my sister. I've always been around independent women; I like that... AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON No, but women are saying, and they say, are you crazy? But because they've had children since th... CHERYL TIEGS
More Erma Bombeck
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ERMA BOMBECK Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. ERMA BOMBECK It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. -Erma Bombeck. ERMA BOMBECK Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. ERMA BOMBECK It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding... ERMA BOMBECK Skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill ERMA BOMBECK I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food ERMA BOMBECK Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contempora... ERMA BOMBECK No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their... ERMA BOMBECK It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffe... ERMA BOMBECK It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. ERMA BOMBECK By the age of six the average child will have completed the basic American education.... From televi... ERMA BOMBECK My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance ERMA BOMBECK I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. ERMA BOMBECK Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer. ERMA BOMBECK When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of ta... ERMA BOMBECK Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold ... ERMA BOMBECK Great dreams... never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dream... ERMA BOMBECK One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of ... 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ERMA BOMBECK Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. ERMA BOMBECK Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? ERMA BOMBECK Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. ERMA BOMBECK I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a st... ERMA BOMBECK People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same... ERMA BOMBECK On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the s... ERMA BOMBECK Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. ERMA BOMBECK Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog ... ERMA BOMBECK My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are u... ERMA BOMBECK When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the... ERMA BOMBECK I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. ERMA BOMBECK Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishe... ERMA BOMBECK Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. ERMA BOMBECK In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. ERMA BOMBECK Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. ERMA BOMBECK A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest. ERMA BOMBECK A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. ERMA BOMBECK Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, No, thank you, to dessert that night. And for... ERMA BOMBECK Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoo... ERMA BOMBECK All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white... ERMA BOMBECK Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians ... ERMA BOMBECK When humor goes, there goes civilization. ERMA BOMBECK There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ERMA BOMBECK Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. ERMA BOMBECK It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows ERMA BOMBECK I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from... ERMA BOMBECK For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. ERMA BOMBECK God created man, but I could do better. ERMA BOMBECK House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. ERMA BOMBECK If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. ERMA BOMBECK I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got ... ERMA BOMBECK As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I ... ERMA BOMBECK In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. ERMA BOMBECK I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many fa... ERMA BOMBECK A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. ERMA BOMBECK Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for ... ERMA BOMBECK Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. ERMA BOMBECK When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if ... ERMA BOMBECK I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. ERMA BOMBECK If I had my life to live over... Someone asked me the other day if I had my life t... ERMA BOMBECK There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after s... ERMA BOMBECK When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if... ERMA BOMBECK I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along. . . . ERMA BOMBECK Dreams have but one owner at a time. That is why dreamers are lonely. ERMA BOMBECK Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents nev... ERMA BOMBECK When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. ERMA BOMBECK You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, ... ERMA BOMBECK Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. ERMA BOMBECK I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. ERMA BOMBECK I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've nev... ERMA BOMBECK The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are thre... ERMA BOMBECK In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television. ERMA BOMBECK Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. ERMA BOMBECK Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. ERMA BOMBECK If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. ERMA BOMBECK When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others ERMA BOMBECK When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog... ERMA BOMBECK Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. ERMA BOMBECK A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. ERMA BOMBECK I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. BY all accou... ERMA BOMBECK Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And f... ERMA BOMBECK Never order food in excess of your body weight. ERMA BOMBECK The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going to... ERMA BOMBECK No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday. ERMA BOMBECK It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job. ERMA BOMBECK As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all ... ERMA BOMBECK Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Expect a phone call before lunch... ERMA BOMBECK I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself." ERMA BOMBECK You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if... ERMA BOMBECK Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one t... ERMA BOMBECK Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the... ERMA BOMBECK Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. ERMA BOMBECK Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. ERMA BOMBECK I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 dire... ERMA BOMBECK Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten... ERMA BOMBECK Housework can kill you if done right. ERMA BOMBECK I was going to have inner peace if I had to break a few heads to do it. ERMA BOMBECK My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerato... ERMA BOMBECK Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishe... ERMA BOMBECK It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have ... ERMA BOMBECK The grass is always greener over the septic tank. ERMA BOMBECK Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. ERMA BOMBECK A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the k... ERMA BOMBECK A child develops individuality long before he discovers taste ERMA BOMBECK Housework can kill you if done right ERMA BOMBECK People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same... ERMA BOMBECK I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ''Checkout Ti... ERMA BOMBECK What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? ERMA BOMBECK The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had ... ERMA BOMBECK If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits? ERMA BOMBECK There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's... ERMA BOMBECK Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. ERMA BOMBECK The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect ... ERMA BOMBECK Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but moth... ERMA BOMBECK I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!"... ERMA BOMBECK Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work... ERMA BOMBECK Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it's unplanned... ERMA BOMBECK At some point in your life if you're lucky you throw practicality to the wind and
start living. ERMA BOMBECK There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've... ERMA BOMBECK Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that ... ERMA BOMBECK For years [my wedding ring] has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my ... ERMA BOMBECK Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. ERMA BOMBECK Girls mature faster than boys, cost more to raise, and statistics show that the old saw about girls ... ERMA BOMBECK If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits? ERMA BOMBECK Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until... ERMA BOMBECK There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ERMA BOMBECK One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of ... ERMA BOMBECK Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. ERMA BOMBECK There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it... ERMA BOMBECK I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. ERMA BOMBECK A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. ERMA BOMBECK How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? ERMA BOMBECK What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? ERMA BOMBECK Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue. ERMA BOMBECK As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all... ERMA BOMBECK You couldn't get me on Mars if it were the last place on earth. ERMA COHEN Companions were not allowed to lie. I don’t know why. I had tried a few times when I was young to ... ERMA I TALAMANTE