I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg
Related Most people don't know what's happening around them because they're just speeding throug... TRACY MORGAN I'm half Puerto Rican and every Friday we have rice and beans and chicken in my house - so that&... VICTORIA JUSTICE Don't ever know who you may meet, or just because a person may not be dressed up all fancy, don&... FLOYD MAYWEATHER, JR. I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emu... ANTHONY JESELNIK I can tell you that you will have your hearts broken more by the people you love than by the people ... MARGARET PETERSON HADDIX I have some friends, and they're super-hipster. And they're like, 'All I wanna do is sin... ZARA LARSSON I don't think you should try to be anything you're not. If you're not smiling all the ti... ELLE FANNING We don't understand why we're here, no one's giving us an answer, religion is vague, you... ADAM DRIVER I still have people saying to me, 'Oh, you're still together?' They don't realize Le... VIVIAN CAMPBELL I like being able to play women that are growing or aren't easy to love. Maybe they are really l... TAYLOUR PAIGE When I'm not acting, I try to be normal, play golf, play hockey. It's funny because you'... TAYLOR KITSCH Are you taking us to the beach?" - Dan Cahill JUDE WATSON With the royal family, you don't want to see them as people because it takes the sheen off. They... CLAIRE FOY I like horror movies, and in fact I like them even more now after making one. I just think they'... GORE VERBINSKI I don't know if Wimbledon's seen anything like it. I don't know if they will again. But ... PATRICK RAFTER There's no regret. You can't regret. I mean, I've felt regret but I've also refused ... JUDE LAW I don't like to sing things that just sound like they're going straight down the tubes, and ... JAKOB DYLAN I think with anybody who's doing well in the public eye or whatever, there's always gonna be... BRITNEY SPEARS Here's the thing. Just because you're pro-troops doesn't mean you're pro-war. And ju... TOBY KEITH I think too often in films, people think endings are a summation of plot, and I don't like that.... JEFF NICHOLS You never know how they're going to play out, but 'Pork and Beans' definitely had the sa... BRIAN BELL I don't think we're wasting people in space. MAJEL BARRETT I just like beautiful women. They don't have to be a celebrity, though... I mean, if they're... MARSHAWN LYNCH They're all based on factual characters. Well, a good amount of them. That's why I was attra... GUY RITCHIE It looks ancient," - Amy Cahill JUDE WATSON You don't have to look like an Under Armour mannequin to be an athlete. A lot of people probably... PRINCE FIELDER I don't think anybody feels like they're a good parent. Or if people think they're good ... JOAN DIDION We're all just playing our own game. I don't see it as a rivalry. We're just trying to p... MICHELLE WIE There are some good people. But a good chunk of them will lie for no reason at all - it'll be te... JOHN CUSACK You know, the best-laid plans of mice and men... I like playing bad guys, and I don't have a pro... TOBIN BELL When you really don't like a guy, they're all over you, and as soon as you act like you like... BEYONCE KNOWLES People are trying to act like they're balling all day with cars, their house, like there's n... REMY MA Sometimes it's easy to see the negative side of things or question why people bully you. You cou... RAINI RODRIGUEZ I just got tired of being sick and tired and feeling down. Unfortunately, you don't realize this... STEVEN ADLER I just think it's important to be direct and honest with people about why you're photographi... MARY ELLEN MARK I couldn't run a tight schedule, and if you're any good at teaching, you get sucked dry beca... JIM HARRISON Putting on a movie is like going to war - for me, at least. It's all about time; time is money, ... LEE DANIELS I don't mind what the market is, but why is it vapid? If they're such a bunch of idiots, why... KRISTIN HERSH I don't like it when people who are young act like they're 40. That's taking too much on... TAYLOR SWIFT Movies these days have made killers into funny people. What's that all about? I've got kids ... BILLY BOB THORNTON I try not to be too optimistic or pessimistic. If you're a pessimist then that's depressing ... NICHOLAS HOULT The projects I have done on television, they're sitcoms, situational comedies. The problem is, m... JAIME CAMIL I'm a little sheepish about it. Whenever I meet fans and they're like, 'Oh, you're s... IDRIS ELBA I'm into the law of attraction and quantum physics. Like cosmic ordering. It's all about thi... JULIA SAWALHA But I would say maybe just from an actress's perspective, probably 'Woman Under the Influenc... OLIVIA THIRLBY I actually don't mind rats at all. I kind of think they're quite cute, but that's just m... JAMIE BELL It SMELLS ancient," - Dan Cahill JUDE WATSON Palm trees were fanned by a warm, light breeze, and they rolled down their windows to smell the sea. JUDE WATSON Things don't just fall into place because you have a dream. You're always going to have thos... STEPHEN COLLETTI I don't think there's any independent cartoonist whose stuff I don't like or respect in ... CHRIS WARE I don't know the time frame exactly, but it's clear they're all going to want to start s... ANDREW GOULD I feel that Jane's is really a vibe and a time. It wasn't like we were the Beatles. We didn&... ERIC AVERY I don't think there's anything worse than your parents being alive and telling you to go giv... T-PAIN Movies are great fun and wonderful when they're good. But you never get to see them till six mon... LAUREN BACALL I don't think roles help you resolve your issues. I just think they're good markers. KIRSTEN DUNST It's hard to tell with these Internet startups if they're really interested in building comp... STEVE JOBS What people don't understand is joining a gang ain't bad, it's cool, it's fine. When... SNOOP DOGG Your children can be around you all day, but if you don't spend quality time with them and you d... BRANDY NORWOOD I think probably - I think, you know, when you're first dating somebody, if they're just not... GREG BEHRENDT I'm scared of horses, and I don't know how to shoot them, but that's what excites me. Af... ALEJANDRO GONZALEZ INARRITU I try to tell a story that's good enough to win the right to integrate eternal themes into it. I... RANDY ALCORN As a comedian, I don't know if they're laughing because it's funny or if they're lau... LARRY THE CABLE GUY Playing is just about feeling. Playing isn't necessarily about misery. Playing isn't necessa... JANIS JOPLIN If we go back to the moon, we're guaranteed second, maybe third place because while we are spend... BUZZ ALDRIN I just don't like mutual funds. I think they're a rip-off. ROBERT KIYOSAKI I have friends that I have made through Twitter or things like that, but they're all verified as... KATIE FEATHERSTON Me and my dad are friends. We're cool. I'll never be disappointed again, because I don't... DRAKE I'm just having a wonderful time. It's an interesting thing that I'm very comfortable wi... F. MURRAY ABRAHAM I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they're seeing too much. Everything is abo... ELLEN DEGENERES Let's head out to the ruins." - Dan Cahill ROLAND SMITH I don't think you can cry if the script is rubbish. I have to feel it; it's as simple as tha... OLIVIA COLMAN Me, sexy? I'm just plain ol' beans and rice. PAM GRIER Why are women immobile? Because so many feel like they're waiting for someone to say, 'You... EVE ENSLER I have dogs, and it's no secret that I find reptiles interesting, but the thing about reptiles i... NICOLAS CAGE I don't like the whole off-and-on thing. I don't like 'taking a break.' Either you... SELENA GOMEZ Educators shouldn't be afraid of cliches. You know why? Because kids don't know most of them... RANDY PAUSCH I think that when we're talking about youth violence, we're talking about kids who don't... MATT GONZALEZ Just because you're not famous, doesn't mean you're not good. LAURA LINNEY There are things you do that just come natural, and sometimes those are amazingly in synch, and some... TOMMY LEE I just started using this app called Wine and Dine. It's like Instagram, but only for food. You ... GIGI HADID 'Try Again' - every time I hear that song, it just brings a smile to your face. When you'... ALEXANDRA SHIPP You have to feel good in what you're wearing; if you don't feel good it's not going to l... B.O.B I just think they're really insecure about themselves sometimes. I know all the girls, but we al... ADRIANA LIMA I'm convinced of this: Good done anywhere is good done everywhere. For a change, start by speaki... MAYA ANGELOU People go tanning because they like to feel tan. You feel more sexy when you're tan and I don... NICOLE POLIZZI There just aren't many little guys who are good actors. They don't get the training; they do... KENNY BAKER I can sit and analyze everything and beat myself up and say you don't quite sing as good as you ... VINCE GILL As far as actors who pop up again and again in Japanese dubs, and because they're really good ac... YURI LOWENTHAL If you wanna know how not secure you are, just take a look around. Nothing's secure. Nothing'... FRED DURST It don't matter if you put 'The Dance' out, or any old George Strait song. Someone is go... THOMAS RHETT I don't read reviews because if they're bad I'm devastated and if they're good I get... KIM CATTRALL I really can't describe what my stand-up is like - people see it and they say it's like that... DYLAN MORAN Don't believe the hype. I don't care how many number ones you have at the box office, I don&... TYLER PERRY About f-f-ace!" she said to the horse, flailing with her boots. "Into the barn, please. It's time fo... PETER LERANGIS You see?" Damien leaned over his desk and spread out half a dozen charcoal sketches. "These are only... RICK RIORDAN Gibberish rap is - I freestyle all the time, just hangin' out with friends. And sometimes when I... HANNIBAL BURESS All the other characters are so well-rounded, and it's just frustrating because female character... OPHELIA LOVIBOND People are just so insensitive because they're ignorant; they don't understand, so they'... NIKKI GLASER If we're going to be getting treated like that, why can't we treat the clubs like that? I ju... SONNY BILL WILLIAMS One of my biggest pet peeves is that I just don't like it when characters do things that are fun... GLENN HOWERTON
More Mitch Hedberg
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. MITCH HEDBERG Dogs are forever in the push up postion. MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. MITCH HEDBERG I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. MITCH HEDBERG I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was proli... MITCH HEDBERG If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. MITCH HEDBERG I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. MITCH HEDBERG I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has... MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. MITCH HEDBERG When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. MITCH HEDBERG All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that b... MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a w... MITCH HEDBERG Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Rob... MITCH HEDBERG Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. MITCH HEDBERG A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, s... MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're g... MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got h... MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so...... MITCH HEDBERG Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, yo... MITCH HEDBERG I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the... MITCH HEDBERG I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, becau... MITCH HEDBERG I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the d... MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't ... MITCH HEDBERG I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio?... MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna... MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. MITCH HEDBERG Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-ci... MITCH HEDBERG I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfwa... MITCH HEDBERG I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. Th... MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have han... MITCH HEDBERG I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. MITCH HEDBERG Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. MITCH HEDBERG My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and... MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporari... MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't... MITCH HEDBERG I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. MITCH HEDBERG It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? MITCH HEDBERG Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a... MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's ha... MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other... MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, beca... MITCH HEDBERG I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store... MITCH HEDBERG Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile whe... MITCH HEDBERG Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. MITCH HEDBERG I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you... MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally w... MITCH HEDBERG I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was tryi... MITCH HEDBERG Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over... MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all ... MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with the... MITCH HEDBERG I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would nev... MITCH HEDBERG You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at m... MITCH HEDBERG With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quit... MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. MITCH HEDBERG I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. MITCH HEDBERG I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I'v... MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something. MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming... MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. MITCH HEDBERG I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wa... MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna... MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other w... MITCH HEDBERG Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved. MITCH HEDBERG I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because... MITCH HEDBERG If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supp... MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer. MITCH HEDBERG I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit! MITCH HEDBERG At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I nee... MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist. MITCH HEDBERG My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's l... MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't wan... MITCH HEDBERG I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t. MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. MITCH HEDBERG Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people wer... MITCH HEDBERG My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's l... MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was sup... MITCH HEDBERG I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations th... MITCH HEDBERG I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a... MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying g... MITCH HEDBERG If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. MITCH HEDBERG A guy told me he liked cherries. I waited to see if he was going to say 'tomato' before I realized h... MITCH HEDBERG Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport ... MITCH HEDBERG Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away... MITCH HEDBERG ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would ... MITCH HEDBERG Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and ... MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said... MITCH HEDBERG My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of tak... MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle. MITCH HEDBERG I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. MITCH HEDBERG “S*** or get off the pot.” MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they pa... MITCH HEDBERG Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because th... MITCH HEDBERG You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show. MITCH HEDBERG I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in f... MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. MITCH HEDBERG I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get ... MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. MITCH HEDBERG If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ev... MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way ... MITCH HEDBERG I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake. MITCH HEDBERG Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss! MITCH HEDBERG There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips! MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty. MITCH HEDBERG Pickles are cucumbers that sold out. MITCH HEDBERG Why are there no during pictures. MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. MITCH HEDBERG I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I do... MITCH HEDBERG I tried walking into a Target , but I missed. MITCH HEDBERG I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't k... MITCH HEDBERG I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me ... MITCH HEDBERG Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and... MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero? MITCH HEDBERG A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I ... MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorr... MITCH HEDBERG I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a con... MITCH HEDBERG You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, ... MITCH HEDBERG I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They re... MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know h... MITCH HEDBERG If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, t... MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporaril... MITCH HEDBERG You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with... MITCH HEDBERG I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me. MITCH HEDBERG I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubbl... MITCH HEDBERG I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying... MITCH HEDBERG I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault. Bigfoot is blurry... MITCH HEDBERG I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others. MITCH HEDBERG I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to p... MITCH HEDBERG Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one. MITCH HEDBERG I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wr... MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll ... MITCH HEDBERG My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockr... MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never l... MITCH HEDBERG I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. MITCH HEDBERG What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?... MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna hav... MITCH HEDBERG Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. MITCH HEDBERG I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. MITCH HEDBERG On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Gr... MITCH HEDBERG It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funk... MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'... MITCH HEDBERG One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every pict... MITCH HEDBERG That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for th... MITCH HEDBERG I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a... MITCH HEDBERG COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP MITCH HEDBERG I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner. MITCH HEDBERG Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. MITCH HEDBERG I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't... MITCH HEDBERG 2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. MITCH HEDBERG I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product... MITCH HEDBERG I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. MITCH HEDBERG I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, tha... MITCH HEDBERG My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me t... MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. MITCH HEDBERG I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I... MITCH HEDBERG Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,0... MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. MITCH HEDBERG I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. MITCH HEDBERG the best plan is changeable MITCH They're all really little boys. We get these guys who control business kingdoms and make people shak... CATHARINA HEDBERG On Thursday I found him in his room in the fetal position. CATHARINA HEDBERG She is definitely an offensive threat. If she can get her feet set, she can be deadly. WENDY HEDBERG No one's star-struck here. You puke right next to the best of them. CATHARINA HEDBERG Both Whitney and Amy are what is neat about this team. They are not selfish. It is not all about sco... WENDY HEDBERG Alisa's been playing great, just unbelievable. Her shooting percentage is one of the tops in the con... WENDY HEDBERG People in the industry foresee a time in which, for many people, the only thing they'll need on ... MITCH KAPOR When business leaders ask me what they can do for Indiana, I always reply: 'Make money. Go make ... MITCH DANIELS I think we need to respect the wishes of voters. They have been busily at work making these decision... MITCH MCCONNELL I give Bill Gates an A for vision because, as a business person and a strategist, he's brilliant... MITCH KAPOR We did the two-year extension of Bush tax cuts in 2010. We negotiated the Budget Control Act in Augu... MITCH MCCONNELL The border is way more porous than it should be, and I think we'd be open to discussing anything... MITCH MCCONNELL My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came... MITCH ALBOM We're living under the Obama economy. Any CEO in America with a record like this after three yea... MITCH MCCONNELL People come down for baseball or football or hockey and drive by the refurbished Fox and State theat... MITCH ALBOM If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it's goi... MITCH ALBOM My jaw dropped, ... I felt shame that I had to find out over the television, then felt sorrow and a ... MITCH ALBOM Since everyone was going to die, he could be of great value, right? ... He could be research. A huma... MITCH ALBOM You're not a wave, you're a part of the ocean. MITCH ALBOM A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention with the possible exceptions ... MITCH RATCLIFFE Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a we... MITCH ALBOM You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense o... MITCH ALBOM Now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of th... MITCH ALBOM Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe. MITCH ALBOM You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, y... MITCH ALBOM But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of goin... MITCH ALBOM I drive a beat-up Mercury Cougar, with the windows down and the music up. I seek my identity in toug... MITCH ALBOM So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy do... MITCH ALBOM