Demetri Martin quote: "I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'"

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same...
DEMETRI MARTIN

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
DEMETRI MARTIN

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
DEMETRI MARTIN

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sti...
DEMETRI MARTIN

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so somet...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outsi...
DEMETRI MARTIN

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work a...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I never set out to do a sketch show.
DEMETRI MARTIN

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain so...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' &#...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you ...
DEMETRI MARTIN

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
DEMETRI MARTIN

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.
DEMETRI MARTIN

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
DEMETRI MARTIN

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because ...
DEMETRI MARTIN

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was...
DEMETRI MARTIN

My computer beat me at chess... so I beat it at kickboxing.
DEMETRI MARTIN

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Li...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
DEMETRI MARTIN

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of p...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used s...
DEMETRI MARTIN

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is o...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I...
DEMETRI MARTIN

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you kno...
DEMETRI MARTIN

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the peo...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip poppe...
DEMETRI MARTIN

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I alwa...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision abou...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the ...
DEMETRI MARTIN

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
DEMETRI MARTIN

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appea...
DEMETRI MARTIN

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
DEMETRI MARTIN

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
DEMETRI MARTIN

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were ...
DEMETRI MARTIN

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
DEMETRI MARTIN

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.
DEMETRI MARTIN

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
DEMETRI MARTIN

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
DEMETRI MARTIN

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you bl...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nur...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Ji...
DEMETRI MARTIN

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that wa...
DEMETRI MARTIN

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody kne...
DEMETRI MARTIN

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an ...
DEMETRI MARTIN

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
DEMETRI MARTIN

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appea...
DEMETRI MARTIN

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are ...
DEMETRI MARTIN

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
DEMETRI MARTIN

I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, s...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessa...
DEMETRI MARTIN

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I ha...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
DEMETRI MARTIN

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
DEMETRI MARTIN

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to e...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just h...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on telev...
DEMETRI MARTIN

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
DEMETRI MARTIN

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
DEMETRI MARTIN

Every cloud has a silver lining. Right. Okay. And, tell me again how a silver lining helps me?
DEMETRI MARTIN

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't reall...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
DEMETRI MARTIN

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
DEMETRI MARTIN

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell som...
DEMETRI MARTIN

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple cons...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'...
DEMETRI MARTIN

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quiet...
DEMETRI MARTIN

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus gar...
DEMETRI MARTIN

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
DEMETRI MARTIN

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
DEMETRI MARTIN

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I w...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
DEMETRI MARTIN

People only have so much attention.
DEMETRI MARTIN

To me, comedy is a game.
DEMETRI MARTIN

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth gr...
DEMETRI MARTIN

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dr...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in stude...
DEMETRI MARTIN

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
DEMETRI MARTIN

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she d...
DEMETRI MARTIN

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
DEMETRI MARTIN

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedia...
DEMETRI MARTIN

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
DEMETRI MARTIN

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
DEMETRI MARTIN

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, i...
DEMETRI MARTIN

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's fu...
DEMETRI MARTIN

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the ...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
DEMETRI MARTIN

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
DEMETRI MARTIN

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
DEMETRI MARTIN

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' ...
DEMETRI MARTIN

Would you dare to walk with the beast on the dark side of the moon?
DEMETRI DASKOVA

Since I live with a roommate, paying rent can be a struggle, but it's good to know that when I'm hun...
DEMETRI SHIRTS

I didn't know that the Mad Greek was there until the Fall Semester started. I went to eat there with...
DEMETRI SHIRTS

I liked how the restaurant has a huge menu and it's not expensive.
DEMETRI SHIRTS

Although GIST tumors are uncommon, this study is important because it shows that we can create drugs...
GEORGE DEMETRI

It was therefore really more painful when the resistance came on because people came back from the b...
GEORGE DEMETRI

A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death...
MARTIN

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love ca...
MARTIN

Everybody can be great. Because anybody can serve.. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul gene...
MARTIN

A man who won't die for something is not fit to live.
MARTIN

It is the combination of reasonable talent and the ability to keep going in the face of defeat that ...
MARTIN SELIGMAN

Our world is so glutted with useless information, images, useless images, sounds, all this sort of t...
MARTIN SCORSESE

Masterpieces of art possess immense potential to advance a worldview that could help assuage the soc...
MARTIN FILLER

We know what molecules are needed to sense light - what turns that signal that detects light into an...
MARTIN CHALFIE

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God'...
MARTIN LUTHER

When I'm making a film, I'm the audience.
MARTIN SCORSESE

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
STEVE MARTIN

When modern physics exerts itself to establish the world's formula, what occurs thereby is this:...
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

The human body is essentially something other than an animal organism.
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

Only a god can save us.
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

Transcendence constitutes selfhood.
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

Agriculture is now a motorized food industry, the same thing in its essence as the production of cor...
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

Man is not the lord of beings. Man is the shepherd of Being.
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

To think Being itself explicitly requires disregarding Being to the extent that it is only grounded ...
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

But every historical statement and legitimization itself moves within a certain relation to history.
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

The German language speaks Being, while all the others merely speak of Being.
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

Being-alone is a deficient mode of being-with; its possibility is a proof for the latter.
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

We still by no means think decisively enough about the essence of action.
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

Being and time determine each other reciprocally, but in such a manner that neither can the former -...
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

Making itself intelligible is suicide for philosophy.
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

Why are there beings at all, instead of Nothing?
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

Time is not a thing, thus nothing which is, and yet it remains constant in its passing away without ...
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

We name time when we say: every thing has its time. This means: everything which actually is, every ...
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

Language is the house of the truth of Being.
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

The human being is not the lord of beings, but the shepherd of Being.
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

We do not say: Being is, time is, but rather: there is Being and there is time.
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

The most thought-provoking thing in our thought-provoking time is that we are still not thinking.
MARTIN HEIDEGGER

There are two kinds of power you have to fight. The first is the money, and that's just our syst...
MARTIN SCORSESE

My idea of a good night out is staying in.
MARTIN FREEMAN

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.
STEVE MARTIN

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
STEVE MARTIN

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way ...
STEVE MARTIN

I'm tired of wasting letters when punctuation will do, period.
STEVE MARTIN

I think I meant that, given the circumstances of my childhood, I had the illusion that it's easi...
STEVE MARTIN

What I mean is that none of my talents had a - what's that great word - rubric. A singer, an act...
STEVE MARTIN

Tweeting is really only good for one thing - it's just good for tweeting... It is rewarding, bec...
STEVE MARTIN

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
STEVE MARTIN

I got a flue shot and now my chimney works perfectly.
STEVE MARTIN

What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They ca...
STEVE MARTIN

I really enjoy finding the right word, creating a good, flowing sentence. I enjoy the rhythm of the ...
STEVE MARTIN

Everything is fraught with danger. I love technology and I love science. It's just always all in...
STEVE MARTIN

I did stand-up comedy for 18 years. Ten of those years were spent learning, four years were spent re...
STEVE MARTIN

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
STEVE MARTIN

Nothing I do is done by popular demand.
STEVE MARTIN

Well, excuuuuuse me!
STEVE MARTIN

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
STEVE MARTIN

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
STEVE MARTIN

It's music. It's supposed to be fun and inspirational. You have to be inspired. If I did it ...
MAX MARTIN

Nothing good ever comes of violence.
MARTIN LUTHER

What I did was, I went and collected every bit of information from Adventist publishing houses in th...
WALTER MARTIN

Mrs. White, in my opinion, made false statements. She misused what she claimed was the prophetic gif...
WALTER MARTIN

I thought some of Mrs. White's material was prophetic. I felt some of her insights were extremel...
WALTER MARTIN

I am not an enemy of Adventism.
WALTER MARTIN

The very success of medicine in a material way may now threaten the soul of medicine.
WALTER MARTIN

Who knows the minds of men and how they reason and what their methodology is? But I am not going to ...
WALTER MARTIN

I am not saying we are categorizing Ellen White in the biblical context of a false prophet.
WALTER MARTIN

Christ imparts the capacity of conquest to our lives every single day that we are willing to believe...
WALTER MARTIN

A biblical false prophet was a servant of the devil attempting to lead people away from the truth.
WALTER MARTIN

You see, 30 years ago I didn't have near the audience I have now. My tapes on the cults have rea...
WALTER MARTIN

The Doctrine of the Trinity teaches that within the unity of the one Godhead there are three separat...
WALTER MARTIN

A key to strengthening spiritual muscles and enduring hardship is finding strength in the Word of Go...
WALTER MARTIN

You want to be a bit compulsive in your art or craft or whatever you do.
STEVE MARTIN

And as I've gotten older, I've had more of a tendency to look for people who live by kindnes...
MARTIN SCORSESE

Big money is made in the stock market by being on the right side of the major moves. The idea is to ...
MARTIN ZWEIG

Cinema is a matter of what's in the frame and what's out.
MARTIN SCORSESE

My children's favourite thing is to con me into buying them ice-cream if there's not too big...
CATHERINE MARTIN

God doesn't make mistakes and has made each of us in his own image. God is simply love. There sh...
MARTIN O'MALLEY

For in the true nature of things, if we rightly consider, every green tree is far more glorious than...
MARTIN LUTHER

The Bible is the cradle wherein Christ is laid.
MARTIN LUTHER

'Mars et Avril' is a science fiction film. It's set in Montreal some 50 years in the fut...
MARTIN VILLENEUVE

Photography is the simplest thing in the world, but it is incredibly complicated to make it really w...
MARTIN PARR

Money doesn't mind if we say it's evil, it goes from strength to strength. It's a fictio...
MARTIN AMIS

Some had the custom of receiving the Eucharist daily, some twice a week, some on the Lord's day,...
MARTIN CHEMNITZ

I think you can be depressed and flourish, I think you can have cancer and flourish, I think you can...
MARTIN SELIGMAN

Stop the habit of wishful thinking and start the habit of thoughtful wishes.
MARY MARTIN

The Lord commonly gives riches to foolish people, to whom he gives nothing else.
MARTIN LUTHER

If you young fellows were wise, the devil couldn't do anything to you, but since you aren't ...
MARTIN LUTHER

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there.
MARTIN LUTHER

The will is a beast of burden. If God mounts it, it wishes and goes as God wills; if Satan mounts it...
MARTIN LUTHER

I am afraid that the schools will prove the very gates of hell, unless they diligently labor in expl...
MARTIN LUTHER

When schools flourish, all flourishes.
MARTIN LUTHER

Whatever your heart clings to and confides in, that is really your God.
MARTIN LUTHER

Peace if possible, truth at all costs.
MARTIN LUTHER

First I shake the whole Apple tree, that the ripest might fall. Then I climb the tree and shake each...
MARTIN LUTHER

The man who has the will to undergo all labor may win to any good.
MARTIN LUTHER

My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick a...
MARTIN LUTHER

I more fear what is within me than what comes from without.
MARTIN LUTHER

I am more afraid of my own heart than of the pope and all his cardinals. I have within me the great ...
MARTIN LUTHER

Blood alone moves the wheels of history.
MARTIN LUTHER

Faith is permitting ourselves to be seized by the things we do not see.
MARTIN LUTHER

Peace is more important than all justice; and peace was not made for the sake of justice, but justic...
MARTIN LUTHER

People must have righteous principals in the first, and then they will not fail to perform virtuous ...
MARTIN LUTHER

Forgiveness is God's command.
MARTIN LUTHER

Music is the art of the prophets and the gift of God.
MARTIN LUTHER

Western countries are thoroughly accustomed to being the centre of global attention, which they have...
MARTIN JACQUES

Demetri Martin

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