I never did like working out - it bears the same relationship to real sport as masturbation does to real sex

What I like about masturbation is that you don't have to talk afterwards.

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it

My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.

Private moments held not a candle to coitus, not even the expensive kind of candle that made the whole room smell of far off seasons.

They say there is other fish in the sea, thats why we masterbait