Groucho Marx quote: "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
GROUCHO MARX

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
GROUCHO MARX

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west ...
GROUCHO MARX

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
GROUCHO MARX

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
GROUCHO MARX

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
GROUCHO MARX

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX

No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about som...
GROUCHO MARX

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
GROUCHO MARX

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day...
GROUCHO MARX

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
GROUCHO MARX

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go...
GROUCHO MARX

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and...
GROUCHO MARX

I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
GROUCHO MARX

How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How...
GROUCHO MARX

I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
GROUCHO MARX

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
GROUCHO MARX

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
GROUCHO MARX

Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
GROUCHO MARX

What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna p...
GROUCHO MARX

I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!
GROUCHO MARX

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
GROUCHO MARX

If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
GROUCHO MARX

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
GROUCHO MARX

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
GROUCHO MARX

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX

I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX

Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early ...
GROUCHO MARX

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX

There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
GROUCHO MARX

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
GROUCHO MARX

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make d...
GROUCHO MARX

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
GROUCHO MARX

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX

My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX

Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX

No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the w...
GROUCHO MARX

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and rea...
GROUCHO MARX

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words....
GROUCHO MARX

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
GROUCHO MARX

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
GROUCHO MARX

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
GROUCHO MARX

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
GROUCHO MARX

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
GROUCHO MARX

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I...
GROUCHO MARX

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX

Humor is reason gone mad.
GROUCHO MARX

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
GROUCHO MARX

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX

I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
GROUCHO MARX

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and app...
GROUCHO MARX

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
GROUCHO MARX

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
GROUCHO MARX

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX

All geniuses die young.
GROUCHO MARX

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he...
GROUCHO MARX

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every...
GROUCHO MARX

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her sta...
GROUCHO MARX

I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a ...
GROUCHO MARX

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
GROUCHO MARX

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.
GROUCHO MARX

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and ...
GROUCHO MARX

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
GROUCHO MARX

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX

There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
GROUCHO MARX

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is han...
GROUCHO MARX

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...
GROUCHO MARX

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows ...
GROUCHO MARX

Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day ...
GROUCHO MARX

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long e...
GROUCHO MARX

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX

We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on t...
GROUCHO MARX

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX

Women should be obscene and not heard.
GROUCHO MARX

Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough
GROUCHO MARX

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure
GROUCHO MARX

The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.”
GROUCHO MARX

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
GROUCHO MARX

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you ...
GROUCHO MARX

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually te...
GROUCHO MARX

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price ...
GROUCHO MARX

Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t...
GROUCHO MARX

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library ...
GROUCHO MARX

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it
GROUCHO MARX

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX

[When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in] The Country Girl, ... Dear Ju...
GROUCHO MARX

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
GROUCHO MARX

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does
GROUCHO MARX

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
GROUCHO MARX

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money
GROUCHO MARX

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
GROUCHO MARX

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have...
GROUCHO MARX

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX

Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it...
GROUCHO MARX

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
GROUCHO MARX

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX

Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
GROUCHO MARX

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but ...
GROUCHO MARX

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX

I'm giving you 30 days to live.
GROUCHO MARX

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party
GROUCHO MARX

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed
GROUCHO MARX

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
GROUCHO MARX

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
GROUCHO MARX

Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
GROUCHO MARX

Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
GROUCHO MARX

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
GROUCHO MARX

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX

Blood's not thicker than money
GROUCHO MARX

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
GROUCHO MARX

The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stay...
GROUCHO MARX

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX

Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I...
GROUCHO MARX

I cannot say that I do not disagree with you
GROUCHO MARX

I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. Wh...
GROUCHO MARX

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
GROUCHO MARX

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX

Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got into my pyjamas I'll never ...
GROUCHO MARX

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

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Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Groucho Marx

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