I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.'

If I could work with Joan Van Ark every day for the rest of my life I would.

It's a hard life... but if I could, I would do it all again.

Oh my gosh, if I could be on '30 Rock', my life would be made. That is my favorite show. My absolute favorite show.

If I could spit out a litter of kids, I would.

If I could write a story that would do for the Indian one-hundredth part what 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' did for the Negro, I would be thankful the rest of my life.