I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.