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I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes.


George Carlin

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People unfortunately will always remember me for being the youngest sister, or the girl who was on c...
MAGDALENA MALEEVA Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night.
PETER USTINOV As a teenager, Monica Seles won some historic matches on the tennis court, dominating opponents and ...
DON YAEGER Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night.
PETER USTINOV i can not go through the ocean. i can not drive the streets at night. i can not wake up in the morni...
A FINE FRENZY Aye, well, I've got my garden.
LIKE I I told my Nike representative, 'Why didn't you guys use me for this?''' Williams said, laughing.
LIKE I On the interception, I was out of bounds,
LIKE I casually made his 'abort black fetuses' argument.
LIKE I I can field my position. If I start worrying about being ready for a line drive too soon that means ...
LIKE I I told him that he played a great game,'' said Falcons quarterback Michael Vick , who like Manning w...
LIKE I I was so concerned with getting the ball out of my hands and not taking the sack, that sometimes I t...
LIKE I I knew I had to throw the ball better,'' Manning said of his poor start.
LIKE I I think the reason that I have that title or that moniker is because people don't know what to expec...
LIKE I You're either ready and prepared to take on the task, or you're not,'' he said.
LIKE I I did not have one butterfly out there today,'' he said.
LIKE I Married to the Mob.
LIKE I Hello you're with Drudge.
LIKE I I don't expect Christian Fundamentalists to reach out to me. They are adamant that homosexuals are i...
LIKE I throw enough shit at the wall and some should stick?
LIKE I I'm not happy, that's all I can say about it,'' he said.
LIKE I For Monica (Seles) and I, this isn't work. It's our pleasure to help out. It's in our blood. This is...
CHRIS EVERT It was a real quick thing. By the time I got out into the hallway, Andre had stabbed him already. I ...
PETER SHAGGY You hand fits in mine like its made to be but bear this in mind it was meant to be and im joining up...
ONE DIRECTION It's always weird when you see a movie, and there's no reason for someone to, like, jump on ...
CANDICE ACCOLA It was real tough (against Jacksonville). I was getting a glare from the goggles and my eye wasn't c...
IFEANYI KOGGU I have kept a diary,
WITHNAIL AND I It feels like I keep getting something. Throughout my career, I never really got hurt. All of a sudd...
LUOL DENG I've never wanted to be famous. That has never been a part of any dream. I do remember being lit...
CAM I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ...
KELLY JONES I've been really lucky when it comes to casting kids, and I don't particularly like child ac...
JEFF NICHOLS I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends abou...
NORM MACDONALD I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have...
NORM MACDONALD Im not trying to prove a point, ... I just want to get it out of my system, and I think I have the o...
ANGEL CORDERO, JR. On the protocol, I don't know what to do... ain't good with talking to new girls... I even don't hav...
DEYTH BANGER I always wanted to be a singer. I was going to finish school and go to Berkley, and then Vine came o...
LELE PONS You've got to be like a fan at your show, just wild out. I make eye contact. I get in the crowd ...
SCHOOLBOY Q You'll never love yourself half as much as I love you and you'll never treat yourself right darling ...
NIALL HORAN When I read reviews, I go right past the plot. I don't want to read anything about the story, and I ...
CAMPBELL SCOTT I get up every morning. I've got my pain, my irks, and you think you're in bad shape. You see some o...
CULLIE BRUMETT I'm not looking for anything more than any other guy. I like a good smile. Pretty eyes. She has ...
MITCHEL MUSSO Get on stage. A lot. Try stuff. Make your best stab and keep stabbing. If it's there in your heart, ...
RAYMOND JOSEPH TELLER As a singer, if I'm in a room that is too cold, I kind of freak out, so I actually like the humi...
ANDRA DAY I can tell you, I grew up with great coaching, and it had nothing to do with sports. I had great par...
JERRY JONES i think one of the most pathological things i have ever seen is stabbing someone and then telling th...
NAYYIRAH WAHEED The things that got me through grade school are helping me out later in life. It's like, I show up o...
CHRIS ISAAK I can never read this book, just like I can never see a movie that I wrote a screenplay for. I can r...
RICHARD PRICE I love Santa Monica and Venice because I like the beach. I have a lot of friends in that area.
DENIS LEARY It seems like if you are not painted up special way or have some tailor made outfit to put on to go ...
PHIL ANSELMO I dont really think its all that settled yet, ... Weve got a good group of guys, though. Im sure eve...
AARON KATZ I walk around - people know who I am. I've got friends. I can make ends meet. I grew up around p...
NATE DIAZ My dad has a lot of foresight and decided that I would not do any shows in Mumbai till I became a si...
SONU NIGAM I knew I had my work cut out because he is a good player. There's a lot of pressure on these matches...
JIMMY WHITE I'm not really a country singer, although I did make a couple albums and love its simple, straig...
DINAH SHORE The only reason I became the singer in the band is because I sang the best. It wasn't out of som...
ADAM LEVINE I've got a couple of grays in my beard and maybe a little salt and pepper in my hair. If I let m...
ROMAN REIGNS In this movie, I feel like I didn't notice Monica in it at all, ... Your instincts would probably be...
COURTENEY COX I had some friends that went to this hypnotist to stop smoking, and I kind of love things that seem ...
JENNY SLATE I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'...
MITCH HEDBERG You could stab a knife right through my heart and you’d be too late.
CHUCK PALAHNIUK My mum was never too keen on TV, so we kids all went to the library and got books out. Right from th...
JOHN GRISHAM I can see only three planets in the entire universe, namely Heaven, Earth and Me! Heaven shines its ...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR I'm lucky because I have a job I love. I really miss being away from home, being in my own bed, ...
MICHELLE BRANCH I think country needs to have a sporting culture. I think if sports were taken as curriculum in scho...
GAGAN NARANG Some people go off to an ashram or they, you know, have a midlife crisis and buy a sports car. For m...
JOHN CAMERON MITCHELL If you're a lead singer, then you can't afford to be sensitive. On stage, everyone looks at ...
BERNARD SUMNER I realized that day that blessings come in a variety of shapes, colors, and sizes.
CRAIG GROESCHEL Once you become an actor, it's important to take care of yourself. I live in Santa Monica, where...
MARK FEUERSTEIN Kristen and I were like, 'Oh my gosh, she could really do this.' She's a real-deal country singer, ....
KRISTIAN BUSH This is a very hard business even if everything is cranking on all cylinders. You can talk to anyone...
COSTA PAPISTA Of course, this is important to me. You always want to go out and perform. I can't treat it like it'...
BRUCE PERRY I don't think it's too hard to work hard in the classroom and in sports and pass all of your classes...
AMY HAMILTON I never get the accountants in before I start up a business. It's done on gut feeling, especiall...
RICHARD BRANSON In 1967, London Weekend Television asked me to head up their sports coverage. I got to work with guy...
JIMMY HILL so what brings you to the doctor today?"
"hmm, im afraid i have the chronic desire to save peop...
DEB CALETTI I wasn't even playing tennis (when I first saw Seles). I was always watching (Seles) on TV with my d...
JELENA JANKOVIC Maybe I've got to admit that what I did here was enough. I can make some more films. Maybe I'...
GARY KEMP I should see every script, I should make my comments and approve of jokes. I can't cringe at a show ...
CHRIS ROCK I appreciate the fact that you have one redeeming quality, Jack, but that is all it is. Just a hint ...
K.A. LINDE I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I&...
J. B. SMOOVE The track is a little bigger than what we normally run around here and I actually thought it might b...
BEN MURPHY I have been stabbed, shot, burned, bitten, beaten unconscious too many times to count, and even stak...
JEANIENE FROST I have always known that I wanted to be a singer and I knew that meant sacrificing some things for m...
LUCY HALE It was a little bit of a surprise but I am glad I got in there. I don't like sitting on the bench. I...
JUSTIN POGGE I don't like any one race or look or type of guy. My tastes as far as looks go are very diverse....
SASHA GREY It's like nothing matters. If someone stabbed me in the chest I wouldn't flinch, if someone shot me,...
STEVEN MONACO I usually like to throw on some flip flops and go to a really nice lunch in Venice, or Santa Monica,...
BEN SAVAGE I like both athletic girls and girly girls. It depends on their personality. I like girls who can go...
JOSH HUTCHERSON It seems like if you are not painted up special way or have some tailor made outfit to put on to go ...
PHIL ANSELMO I just randomly got the idea, that fencing would be fun and no one else does it. I have asthma so I ...
CASSANDRA PARTYKA I feel sometimes and in some ways like Linda Romanoli and Monica Velour; I feel marginalized because...
KIM CATTRALL I didn't know anybody in show business, and I never thought it was the path I'd go down. I w...
D. B. SWEENEY Touring is hard. It's really hard on the singer, especially, because your body is your instrumen...
GLORIA ESTEFAN I know some of the guys I play against, they say some things, ... I've just got to approach it like ...
BEN CHANDLER I'll never forget my 24th birthday when my tooth got punched out. And for a second I was like, i...
EVAN RACHEL WOOD In my case, I played sports my whole life. I got out of college, and I didn't bother to get heal...
DENIS MCDONOUGH listen, a goad's anything that provokes or incites an enemy
---
let me have a go: cursed d...
JONATHAN STROUD I never get the accountants in before I start up a business. It's done on gut feeling, especially if...
RICHARD BRANSON I love the entertainment business. I have a lot of friends in it, but it wasn't my passion. The ...
CASEY WASSERMAN Art is never finished, only abandoned.
, (MAYBE)

More George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they...
GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
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GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
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GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
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GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
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GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
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GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long ...
GEORGE CARLIN