More Steven Wright

When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you str...
STEVEN WRIGHT

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHT

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Black holes are where God divided by zero.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, yo...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
STEVEN WRIGHT

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this b...
STEVEN WRIGHT

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
STEVEN WRIGHT

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
STEVEN WRIGHT

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
STEVEN WRIGHT

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop,...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of t...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral ...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, d...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
STEVEN WRIGHT

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be...
STEVEN WRIGHT

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
STEVEN WRIGHT

At one point he decided enough was enough.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that w...
STEVEN WRIGHT

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
STEVEN WRIGHT

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and ...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because th...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and g...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
STEVEN WRIGHT

So, do you live around here often?
STEVEN WRIGHT

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way thro...
STEVEN WRIGHT

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it beca...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing film...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for thre...
STEVEN WRIGHT

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really ex...
STEVEN WRIGHT

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I t...
STEVEN WRIGHT

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, ...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
STEVEN WRIGHT

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalato...
STEVEN WRIGHT

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy ...
STEVEN WRIGHT

OK, so what's the speed of dark?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in Ja...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
STEVEN WRIGHT

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere i...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I invented the cordless extension cord.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
STEVEN WRIGHT

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them f...
STEVEN WRIGHT

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that d...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during...
STEVEN WRIGHT

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
STEVEN WRIGHT

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be assoc...
STEVEN WRIGHT

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-g...
STEVEN WRIGHT

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to ...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
STEVEN WRIGHT

There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really inte...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not tryi...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and force...
STEVEN WRIGHT

How young can you die of old age?
STEVEN WRIGHT

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistical...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I&#...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
STEVEN WRIGHT

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
STEVEN WRIGHT

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
STEVEN WRIGHT

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
STEVEN WRIGHT

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the othe...
STEVEN WRIGHT

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
STEVEN WRIGHT

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
STEVEN WRIGHT

What a nice night for an evening.
STEVEN WRIGHT

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
STEVEN WRIGHT

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT

What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
STEVEN WRIGHT

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
STEVEN WRIGHT

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
STEVEN WRIGHT

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
STEVEN WRIGHT

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
STEVEN WRIGHT

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she t...
STEVEN WRIGHT

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
STEVEN WRIGHT

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
STEVEN WRIGHT

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a ...
STEVEN WRIGHT

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
STEVEN WRIGHT

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
STEVEN WRIGHT

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world......
STEVEN WRIGHT

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It'...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll c...
STEVEN WRIGHT

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she lov...
STEVEN WRIGHT

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'W...
STEVEN WRIGHT

Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap...
STEVEN WRIGHT

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows u...
STEVEN WRIGHT

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
STEVEN WRIGHT

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few m...
STEVEN WRIGHT

What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the li...
STEVEN WRIGHT

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
STEVEN WRIGHT

The past week our bullpen threw a lot, especially with the doubleheaders in the (Rainbow) tournament...
STEVEN WRIGHT

In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably doub...
STEVEN WRIGHT

The uncertainty is petrol prices,
STEVEN WRIGHT

Our modelling suggest bond yields should rise in line with the US by at least 1 per cent. The X fact...
STEVEN WRIGHT

Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. W...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I've known Ian for a while. It's not about beating the best pitcher. He's still my buddy. I'll proba...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote"
STEVEN WRIGHT

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is ma...
STEVEN WRIGHT

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even st...
STEVEN WRIGHT

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even ...
STEVEN WRIGHT

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never...
STEVEN WRIGHT

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big...
STEVEN WRIGHT

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you�...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out...
STEVEN WRIGHT

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving...
STEVEN WRIGHT

It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, mayb...
STEVEN WRIGHT

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

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Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

Steven Wright

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