I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
Related
I used to do drugs, but don't tell anyone because it'll ruin my image.
COURTNEY LOVE I used to do drugs, but don't tell anyone or it will ruin my image.
COURTNEY LOVE I've used drugs that I do consider to be dangerous, drugs that are potentially detrimental to ki...
TIM ROBBINS I don't do drugs, I am drugs
SALVADOR DALí I don't do drugs. I am drugs.
SALVADOR DALí I don't do drugs, I am drugs
SALVADOR DALí I do not take drugs. I am drugs.
SALVADOR DALI I don't do drugs. I am drugs.
SALVADOR DALI No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, b...
BILL HICKS I used to say that anyone that thought I was doing drugs should be tested themselves.
LUIS GONZALEZ Drugs? Every one has a choice and I choose not to do drugs.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO Drugs? Every one has a choice and I choose not to do drugs...
LEONARDO DICAPRIO My father is my idol, so I always did everything like him. He used to work two jobs and still come h...
EARVIN MAGIC JOHNSON We were a couple and I loved him. ... He was my best friend. He sold drugs and used the money to hel...
HILLARY PETERSON Dabbling is fine but when I was bang on it, that wasn't a nice time ... I still drink but I don't do...
KATE MOSS I think drugs were used by me as a way of suppressing my natural spirit.
MARIANNE FAITHFULL I don't drink. I don't do drugs.
CASPER VAN DIEN I don't do drugs. I never have taken any drugs. I don't believe in them.
FLORENCE GRIFFITH JOYNER I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emu...
ANTHONY JESELNIK We both know... that soon everything is going to end...
...
This chat will be in the...
DEYTH BANGER There was a time when I used to live in Spain that it went really crazy with drugs and stuff like th...
PATRICIA VELASQUEZ The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'Th...
ROY BLOUNT, JR. The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'Th...
ROY BLOUNT JR. I don't drink. I don't do drugs.
CASPER VAN DIEN I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs. I shop, okay?
DANIELLE FISHEL I do too. Quilts are made to be used and loved.
LAINIE MYKLEBUST I don't run the triathlons anymore like I used to. I do leg work on the machines and do the bike...
PAT BOWLEN No. This has to do with drugs."
My jaw fell open and I almost lost my toothbrush. "You're on dr...
DARYNDA JONES Do you love me as the person that I am now, or do you love me as the person I used to be?
ANTHONY T. HINCKS I hate that just because you happen to be good at something,people automatically think that's what m...
AMBER SMITH Drugs?"
"Rituals. Are you messing around with drugs?"
"No. But maybe rituals."
MAGGIE STIEFVATER Inevitably, malaria parasites developed resistance to commonly used drugs, and mosquito vectors beca...
ANTHONY FAUCI I got involved in many illegal activities with my friends because my life had no direction then. I u...
DANILO MAGAMPO I don't take drugs: I am drugs.
SALVADOR DALí Most powerful of all powers in its holy insinuation is _being_. _To be_ is more powerful than even _...
GEORGE MACDONALD But I will say that the drugs are much more ferocious then they used to be. There are people wreckin...
ARMISTEAD MAUPIN Unless you're into drugs, polo eliminates the thrill of everything else. The first time I went skiin...
BUZZ WELKER I learned why they're called wonder drugs -- you wonder what they'll do to you.
HARLAN MILLER She reportedly used drugs; she was divorced and was trying to get away from a boyfriend.
PAUL MILLER If you've been on drugs, who's better to tell it? This girl used to be somebody else.
DELORIS THOMAS In my study, there are stacks of papers to grade, books I should have read & reviewed months ago...
JESS ROW My daughter, Carly, has been in and out of drug treatment facilities since she was thirteen. Every t...
DINA KUCERA Drugs are too much of a serious problem for a politician to do nothing about.
ELIO DI RUPO I love athletics. As an athlete, I like to believe I can still do the things I used to do when I was...
DOMINIQUE DAWES The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I repl...
ROY BLOUNT, JR. I don't do drugs anymore... than say, the average touring funk band.
BILL HICKS As you see you can't change what has happen in past if I could I do my best to don't happen in other...
DEYTH BANGER Testing of bodily fluids does not provide evidence of when the drugs were used.
KIRK TOUSAW I objected to the drugs coming into this case. I felt (the drugs) were irrelevant.
DAVID FREEDMAN From what we heard in the presentation, I think that drugs are more prevalent now than when I came o...
BRUCE KLEIN What we are communicates far more eloquently than anything we say or do. There are people we trust b...
STEPHEN R. COVEY Your "Not To Do" list is also important.
MANI S. SIVASUBRAMANIAN I took drugs because we all took drugs.
MARIANNE FAITHFULL My father used to administer herbal medicine for free. But I can't give drugs for free. So the n...
KALLAM ANJI REDDY I think the reason kids get into drugs and smoking is they don't have anything to do.
RICHARD THOMPSON I stayed a virgin until I was 23. I didn't do drugs or drink or smoke.
VICTORIA JACKSON I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.
DYLAN MORAN I don't go out to dinners as much as I used to, I don't buy clothes as much as I used to, I don't do...
MARGOT ROBINSON I Don't Like What I Do, I Love What I Do!
JOHN PETERS People tell me how do they want you.. and I JUST DO STUFF... I JUST DO IT... THAT'S A FACT!
DEYTH BANGER I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.
BILL HICKS A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN Drugs are bad because if you do drugs you're a hippie and hippies suck.
CARTMAN, SOUTH PARK I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs
I say, 'no.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD I get drunk writing words. I don't drink or do drugs, but I get so carried away with writing that I ...
JOHN SHIRLEY These drugs are far too seductive, and the rewards for using them are far too great for us to think ...
CHARLES YESALIS Note To Kids: I Never Drunk Alcohol,, Smoked or did Drugs and Im Still Cool..
KALUM JOHNSON (KDOG) I was very laced with drugs myself, but Fred seemed to be even more so than me. That might have had ...
BARRY MCGUIRE I love to exspand my mind/imagination. There's two things that do the job: Tim Burton and drugs.
ZEPPELIN HARLOW ROSE College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for...
DAVID SEDARIS When I was a kid I was nervous too and it never crossed my mind to take drugs.
JAMES GALWAY I can't do as much as I used to, but I can still grow a little corn, tomatoes and some cucumbers in ...
THOMAS HOOD When my second child was born, I gave up acting - two young children out on the road was too difficu...
JENNY DOWNHAM You don't tell an astronaut what to do.
ATMOSPHERE “My to do list is so long, my grandchildren will have to finish it.”
ROSS ELDER We are against drugs at all times but players do not take recreational drugs to cheat or gain an adv...
GORDON TAYLOR They cannot be used exclusively. That's a common misconception. You can out-eat any of these drugs.
CHRIS ROSENBLOOM The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY d...
BILL HICKS I never like being touched, ever. People used to say I held my breath when they were hugging me. I s...
ANGELINA JOLIE I wanted to do better, but am happy. I am not used to racing in snow.
CLAUDIA CAMARGO I had a little boy who looks up to his dad and he said, 'Dad, did you do drugs?
BILL ROMANOWSKI I don't have to say 'Rap it up' every two seconds, or 'Don't do drugs' every two seconds. They know ...
CURTIS JACKSON I stopped doing drugs when I was 20. I was finished with drugs before Nirvana even started.
DAVE GROHL There has been a lot of media attention around the dangers of drugs used to treat mental illness on ...
CHRISTY TURLINGTON Kyle knew never to do drugs. He just didn't know not to do this.
JEFF WILLIAMS I tried all the drugs, nothing was working. My daughter asked 'Why can't you do the things other mom...
ANGEL RAICH These women work incredibly hard. They take drugs for the same reason a truck driver takes drugs. To...
STEPHEN FRIED The war on drugs is wrong, both tactically and morally. It assumes that people are too stupid, too r...
LARRY ELDER I just fell apart. I turned to drugs and did an awful lot of cocaine, which I no longer do... I gave...
ANDY GIBB Want to do drugs, fine. You're out of my life!
SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just get out of a chair when I'm not expecting it.
DYLAN MORAN Many joint venture drugs are used to treat some difficult diseases, and though their prices are high...
FRANK LI I am never going to be famous...I do not do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails,...
DOROTHY PARKER I do not read SF as much as I used to. It's too much like a busman's holiday.
JACK L. CHALKER Get this (economic plan) passed. Later on, we can all debate it.
, TO NEW HAMPSHIRE LEGISLATORS I used to do kickboxing, because I liked the cute outfits.
MONICA KEENA I tell them that drugs can kill, and they do kill. If I save just one person, it's worth it.
JACKIE HYDEN I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.
JIM CARREY I plan to keep on doing the things they've taught me at Drug Treatment Court. I plan to stay away fr...
JOSHUA YOUNG I'm in favor of legalizing drugs. According to my values system, if people want to kill themselv...
MILTON FRIEDMAN
More Mitch Hedberg
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
MITCH HEDBERG Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was proli...
MITCH HEDBERG If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
MITCH HEDBERG I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has...
MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
MITCH HEDBERG All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that b...
MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a w...
MITCH HEDBERG Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Rob...
MITCH HEDBERG Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, s...
MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're g...
MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got h...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so......
MITCH HEDBERG Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, yo...
MITCH HEDBERG I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the...
MITCH HEDBERG I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, becau...
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the d...
MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't ...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio?...
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-ci...
MITCH HEDBERG I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfwa...
MITCH HEDBERG I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. Th...
MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have han...
MITCH HEDBERG I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and...
MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporari...
MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't...
MITCH HEDBERG I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
MITCH HEDBERG It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
MITCH HEDBERG I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good...
MITCH HEDBERG Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a...
MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's ha...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other...
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, beca...
MITCH HEDBERG I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store...
MITCH HEDBERG Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile whe...
MITCH HEDBERG Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
MITCH HEDBERG I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally w...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was tryi...
MITCH HEDBERG Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all ...
MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with the...
MITCH HEDBERG I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would nev...
MITCH HEDBERG You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at m...
MITCH HEDBERG With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quit...
MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I'v...
MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming...
MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wa...
MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other w...
MITCH HEDBERG Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because...
MITCH HEDBERG If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supp...
MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit!
MITCH HEDBERG At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I nee...
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
MITCH HEDBERG My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't wan...
MITCH HEDBERG I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people wer...
MITCH HEDBERG My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was sup...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations th...
MITCH HEDBERG I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying g...
MITCH HEDBERG If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
MITCH HEDBERG A guy told me he liked cherries. I waited to see if he was going to say 'tomato' before I realized h...
MITCH HEDBERG Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport ...
MITCH HEDBERG Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away...
MITCH HEDBERG ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would ...
MITCH HEDBERG Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and ...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of tak...
MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
MITCH HEDBERG “S*** or get off the pot.”
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they pa...
MITCH HEDBERG Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because th...
MITCH HEDBERG You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.
MITCH HEDBERG I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in f...
MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get ...
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ev...
MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way ...
MITCH HEDBERG I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss!
MITCH HEDBERG There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips!
MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
MITCH HEDBERG Why are there no during pictures.
MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I do...
MITCH HEDBERG I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.
MITCH HEDBERG I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't k...
MITCH HEDBERG I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me ...
MITCH HEDBERG Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and...
MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I ...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorr...
MITCH HEDBERG I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a con...
MITCH HEDBERG You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, ...
MITCH HEDBERG I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They re...
MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know h...
MITCH HEDBERG If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, t...
MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporaril...
MITCH HEDBERG You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with...
MITCH HEDBERG I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me.
MITCH HEDBERG I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is
MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubbl...
MITCH HEDBERG I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
MITCH HEDBERG I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault. Bigfoot is blurry...
MITCH HEDBERG I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to p...
MITCH HEDBERG Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one.
MITCH HEDBERG I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wr...
MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll ...
MITCH HEDBERG My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockr...
MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never l...
MITCH HEDBERG I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
MITCH HEDBERG What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?...
MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna hav...
MITCH HEDBERG Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
MITCH HEDBERG On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Gr...
MITCH HEDBERG It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funk...
MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'...
MITCH HEDBERG One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every pict...
MITCH HEDBERG That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for th...
MITCH HEDBERG I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a...
MITCH HEDBERG COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP
MITCH HEDBERG I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.
MITCH HEDBERG Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't...
MITCH HEDBERG 2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product...
MITCH HEDBERG I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, tha...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me t...
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I...
MITCH HEDBERG Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,0...
MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG the best plan is changeable
MITCH They're all really little boys. We get these guys who control business kingdoms and make people shak...
CATHARINA HEDBERG On Thursday I found him in his room in the fetal position.
CATHARINA HEDBERG She is definitely an offensive threat. If she can get her feet set, she can be deadly.
WENDY HEDBERG No one's star-struck here. You puke right next to the best of them.
CATHARINA HEDBERG Both Whitney and Amy are what is neat about this team. They are not selfish. It is not all about sco...
WENDY HEDBERG Alisa's been playing great, just unbelievable. Her shooting percentage is one of the tops in the con...
WENDY HEDBERG People in the industry foresee a time in which, for many people, the only thing they'll need on ...
MITCH KAPOR When business leaders ask me what they can do for Indiana, I always reply: 'Make money. Go make ...
MITCH DANIELS I think we need to respect the wishes of voters. They have been busily at work making these decision...
MITCH MCCONNELL I give Bill Gates an A for vision because, as a business person and a strategist, he's brilliant...
MITCH KAPOR We did the two-year extension of Bush tax cuts in 2010. We negotiated the Budget Control Act in Augu...
MITCH MCCONNELL The border is way more porous than it should be, and I think we'd be open to discussing anything...
MITCH MCCONNELL My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came...
MITCH ALBOM We're living under the Obama economy. Any CEO in America with a record like this after three yea...
MITCH MCCONNELL People come down for baseball or football or hockey and drive by the refurbished Fox and State theat...
MITCH ALBOM If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it's goi...
MITCH ALBOM My jaw dropped, ... I felt shame that I had to find out over the television, then felt sorrow and a ...
MITCH ALBOM Since everyone was going to die, he could be of great value, right? ... He could be research. A huma...
MITCH ALBOM You're not a wave, you're a part of the ocean.
MITCH ALBOM A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention with the possible exceptions ...
MITCH RATCLIFFE Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a we...
MITCH ALBOM You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense o...
MITCH ALBOM Now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of th...
MITCH ALBOM Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe.
MITCH ALBOM You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, y...
MITCH ALBOM But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of goin...
MITCH ALBOM I drive a beat-up Mercury Cougar, with the windows down and the music up. I seek my identity in toug...
MITCH ALBOM So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy do...
MITCH ALBOM