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I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him.


George Carlin

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I've always thought George Carlin was brilliant.
VICKI LAWRENCE I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album.
STEPHEN COLBERT Last night my imaginary friend died. So I took him to an imaginary graveyard and buried him in imagi...
YAMIN RASHEED I'm a loner as a person, but then I always was, even as a child.
BILL BIXBY I listened to George Carlin when I was a kid and knew every word of his routines.
SEAN HAYES I had an imaginary friend. I don't know when I stopped having an imaginary friend, but my mom an...
CC SABATHIA I did stand-up. I loved George Carlin and Steve Martin.
STEVE BUSCEMI I had come to regard him as a loner with no real past and a future so vague that there was no sense ...
HUNTER S. THOMPSON Would you want you as a friend?
PETER STROPLE An imaginary friend is often what the child needs it to be.
BARBARA GOLDSTEIN I’ve often wondered, since I was the moron that Billy Hicks and George Carlin were talking about, ...
BOBBY W. MILLER I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
EMO PHILLIPS I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
EMO PHILIPS When I was a bit older I had all of the George Carlin records, all of the Steve Martin records, all ...
MARC MARON George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular com...
DREW CAREY I don't have many friends; I'm very much a loner. As a child I was very isolated, and I'...
ANTHONY HOPKINS The imaginary child implied by the toys on exhibit in Hong Kong was impossible to reconcile with my ...
DONOVAN HOHN He's a friend because I had class with him.
ASHLEY DONNELL And George Carlin was a guy that the more he aged the younger he seemed.
KEVIN SMITH To have an imaginary friend, first you need to be an imaginary friend.
VICTOR GEERE I was a huge fan of comedy and movies and TV growing up, and I was able to memorize and mimic a lot ...
HANK AZARIA I remember putting together mix tapes for my own imaginary radio station - WJAM - when I was a child...
MUHAMMAD My daddy had been a fiddler, and I heard a lot of fiddle music as a child. I had a ukulele and had p...
DICKEY BETTS My real self, the self I have always been from a child, is a loner and nerd, slightly overweight, wi...
HAYLEY ATWELL By the side of the everlasting Why there is a Yes--a transitory Yes if you like, but a Yes.
E.M. FORSTER Growing up, I had a very vivid imagination and Leonardo was like my best imaginary friend that I spo...
RUBY ROSE I was always a loner.
BLINK 182 I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was a loner as a child and happiest at home, launching toy rockets and aeroplanes. When I started ...
GARY NUMAN It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech an...
RON WHITE I had a nightmare. So my friend asked me what it was. I told him it was him sleeping with my mom. He...
MUNTAZIR M. One of the things George Bush was comfortable with in asking me to stay on as attorney general, he t...
DICK THORNBURGH I loved George Carlin... I used to sit in front of the TV and watch the HBO comedy specials. I loved...
MICK FOLEY I was a bit of a loner.
TRACEY WICKHAM I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn't do well for...
GEORGE LOPEZ I always said that if I could just find a guy who could chop wood and had a nice smile, it wouldn...
SADE ADU Hey, the TV was my friend. As a child, I always said, 'I want to live in there someday.'
PARKER POSEY When you understand that your feelings are triggered by what you think about an event and not by the...
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 When you own or take responsibility for your feelings, you place yourself in a position of power and...
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 Being manipulative is dishonest and immature. We often end up having to make up more lies to cover f...
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 When you get angry at your ex, only about 10 percent of your anger can be attributed to the current ...
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 Ruminating about the past is like trying to drive backward to undo a car accident.
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 Sending important messages via text is the coward’s way out. Don’t be the person who texts importa...
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 Any time and energy you spend hating and being angry at your ex will ultimately take a toll on you w...
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 Guilt is helpful only when it keeps us acting in line with our beliefs and morals. Otherwise, it cre...
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 Taking responsibility gives us power and control, because when we recognize the relationship between...
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 The point is that no matter what your feelings are, your children will be better off if you make the...
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 It’s helpful to imagine your relationship with him or her as a business relationship rather than a ...
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 Fostering a spirit of cooperation with your ex means laying down your weapons in the war of divorce ...
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 Your primary goal should be to have a great life. You can still have a good day, enjoy your child, a...
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 Your child can’t hurt you if you don’t accept the hurt. Let it go.
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 When children feel they have to earn our love by what they accomplish, they never feel good about th...
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 Trust that your child is trying to be the best he can be and that he will do this more readily witho...
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 Children will adapt to nearly any rule or routine as long as it is consistently enforced within that...
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 Children should feel loved because they exist, not because they’ve behaved in a certain way.
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 Allowing children to fight their own battles is one of the hardest parenting skills to learn.
, JOINT CUSTODY WITH A JERK: RAISING A CHILD WITH AN UNCOOPERATIVE EX, 2011 We didn't have a backyard, so as I child, I would turn the coffee table into a stage and put on ...
JULIA STILES I was big time into Barbie. I also had Wonder Woman Underoos that I really liked. I actually wore th...
JENNIFER SKY I took my first acting class at age 6 because I found out that's what Carol Burnett was doing - ...
CHRISTINE LAKIN I never understood the realism of an imaginary circumstance. While I was doing 'Smoke Signals,&#...
ADAM BEACH The seven words George Carlin said you couldn’t say on TV or radio (“fuck,” “piss,” “shi...
MARY NORRIS I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give ...
GEORGE CARLIN As a child I was an inveterate liar. As opposed to now, I am a Novelist.
JOHN GREEN I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's al...
DREW CAREY I really loved animals when I was little - my friend and I had an imaginary vet's office; we wou...
HANNAH MURRAY School was a very cruel environment, and I was a loner. But I learnt to get hurt, and I learnt to co...
KATE BUSH School was a very cruel environment and I was a loner. But I learnt to get hurt and I learnt to cope...
KATE BUSH I was an observant but dreamy child. I had a lazy eye and wild curls.
MONIQUE ROFFEY When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I ...
BIBLE When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I be...
BIBLE When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I reasoned as a child, but when I b...
HOLY BIBLE, 1 CORINTHIANS 13:11 The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist.
AARON MACHADO The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist.
HENRY MILLER I got into acting as a young child on account of a sort of arbitrary thing. A friend of my mom's...
BEN AFFLECK I was influenced by a lot of stand-up comedians... Eddie Murphy back when he was doing 'Raw.'...
RAY WILLIAM JOHNSON When I was writing it, I was remembering how hard it was to be a 16-year-old in high school. I alway...
GERARD WAY As a child, I wanted to know how things worked and to control them. With a friend, I built a number ...
STEPHEN HAWKING When I was a child I spake as a child.
BIBLE I was with book, as a woman is with child.
C.S. LEWIS When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually...
STEPHEN WRIGHT I owe my Gucci watch to a friend from high school. I had a bet with him a long, long time ago.
AARON LOWE There was a point when I was 15 or 16 that I realized that my father wanted me to be a loner. I deci...
MARK VONNEGUT There was a saying that I saw on a packet of sugar and I think anyone can apply it to their life: 'D...
MARILYN MANSON You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway.
RICKY GERVAIS Only fools wait, and only tools bait.
CRE There are approximately two trillion cells in the human body. You are never alone, there are always ...
DWIGHT W. HAYES George Carlin maintained that anything and everything is funny given the right context. This context...
PAUL PROVENZA I remember that I used to mix with my friends who had brothers and sisters. I was an only child.
KEITH EMERSON I was just then going through a healthy reaction from the orthodoxy of my youth; religion had become...
LAURENCE HOUSMAN As is said about most writers, on the one hand, all I ever did from when I was a child was read, and...
ELFRIEDE JELINEK I was a pedantic child. I'd get really annoyed at the logic of small things that don't bothe...
PETER BAYNHAM I was a loner in high school. I keep to myself, but I love life.
CLEA DUVALL I had to do a history project with a friend who was in the choir and we decided to meet up in the mu...
ANTONIO WITHERSPOON I always had the intuition, even as a little child, that I was called for a big project.
SHAKIRA Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you...
, INSPIRED BY A. A. MILNE A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.
, INSPIRED BY A. A. MILNE Those who are clever, who have a Brain, never understand anything.
, INSPIRED BY A. A. MILNE It gets you nowhere if the other person's tail is only just in sight for the second half of the conv...
, INSPIRED BY A. A. MILNE Before beginning a Hunt, it is wise to ask someone what you are looking for before you begin looking...
, INSPIRED BY A. A. MILNE

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GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
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GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
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GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN