I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
Steven Wright
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I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.
DAVID CROSS I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.
MIKE BIRBIGLIA I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on telev...
DEMETRI MARTIN A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. —STEVEN WRIGHT
DARYNDA JONES I can tell you that a Steven Baker was arrested on March 21 for arson. However, we haven't seen any ...
JIMMY DEAN The first game was interesting. We had a four-run lead and squandered it, but Daly puts up zeros, De...
MIKE TRAPASSO The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I alwa...
DEMETRI MARTIN I started at home as a kid putting on shows and lip-syncing Michael Jackson for the grown-ups. Then,...
MATISYAHU When I was in high school I saw Steven Wright, a brilliant one-liner comedian, and I thought: 'T...
MIKE BIRBIGLIA I do, too, most recently while I was singing karaoke in some weird bar.
RADHA MITCHELL No matter how you cut them, paste them, rotate them, or distort them, lip syncing and air-guitar pla...
WALTER KIRN Kyle Wright was a warrior.
ERIC WINSTON I went to school with Steven Wright, who was the shyest guy I knew, and one day someone suddenly tol...
DENIS LEARY Powerpoint is simply Karaoke for Public Speakers
GREG GAZIN I favor pocket-sized hard drives that travel between home and office, syncing with computers on both...
BARTON GELLMAN I got arrested for signing autographs, ... Signing a little girl's autograph got me arrested.
MICHAEL TAYLOR I play the music of Steven
for Steven;
ragged, helpless,
it owns me, enveloping me STASIA WARD KEHOE Steven Spielberg was my childhood hero.
RIHANNA I've always loved music and was singing from the age of seven on karaoke.
CHRISTINA GRIMMIE About five, six FBI agents walked into the courthouse and arrested me. They said I was being arreste...
SHERMAN AUSTIN I like the Rolling Stones for karaoke. 'Sympathy For The Devil' is a great one.
HUGH JACKMAN I was falsely arrested twice, slandered and defamed.
FOXY BROWN I lived in Koreatown for five years, and I lived blocks away from about seven karaoke bars.
DAVID WALTON I'm scared of karaoke. I think if I did have a go to karaoke song, it would be 'Whatta Man...
YVONNE STRAHOVSKI He had been arrested before, I believe he had been arrested in Guilderland last year, but I don't kn...
JAMES MILLER Karaoke divides humanity into two groups: those who don’t want to sing and shouldn’t be compelle...
DENNIS VICKERS There are hundreds of Frank Lloyd Wright buildings around the United States and in other countries, ...
JANE SMILEY I'm really shy - I don't do karaoke.
KATE MICUCCI He's a great, great recruit for Wright State.
DAVE HOOVER So I sang out the barbarous words - karaoke from Hell.
GRANT MORRISON This may surprise you, but I was arrested in high school.
PAT BOONE I was taken arrested put in solitary confinement ,shackled, strip-searched.
ABDALLAH HIGAZY Teach not thy lip such scorn, for it was made For kissing, lady, not for such contempt.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE Teach not thy lip such scorn, for it was made For kissing, lady, not for such contempt.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE And I loved Frank Lloyd Wright. I think he was the greatest man I have ever met in my life.
ANTHONY QUINN But Steven Bochco was smart; he knew that viewers were smart.
DAVID E. KELLEY I was very surprised to get a reading for 'Arrested Development' because it really seemed to...
JASON BATEMAN I was arrested in 1965 for opposing the war in Vietnam. There were 39 of us arrested that day. But t...
BILL AYERS nobody’s ever been arrested for a murder; they have only ever been arrested for not planning it pr...
TERRY HAYES Sometimes I do need to go to karaoke, sometimes I need to relax.
JACKIE CHAN I've developed a karaoke habit. I've become a crooner.
SERENA WILLIAMS He was arrested with no problem.
CHRIS BOWMAN I used to do karaoke with Patrick Woolf in a karaoke box, and he would ring me up and say, 'Come...
GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE Wright-Ward was the player of the game for them. She was one of the three stars, getting a few goals...
BRIAN DUROCHER Steven got ahead in the count and forced contact. Everything was good.
MIKE TRAPASSO I'm a big karaoke fan and I also love Justin Bieber unashamedly.
EVAN RACHEL WOOD That was love. I didn't think he should've gotten arrested for that. If was her dying wish, you got ...
JASON ADAMS He was a violinist at Taliesin and I accompanied him. We played tragically older songs; Mr. Wright l...
EDGAR TAFEL Then to this earthen Bowl did I adjourn
My Lip the secret Well of Life to learn:
And Lip t...
OMAR KHAYYáM (She was arrested) while a guest at that hotel and people thought that was overstepping our bounds. ...
JOSE CUEVAS Oh, I try to stay as far away from karaoke as humanly possible!
JEREMY JORDAN We love karaoke and I take the girls there so they can sing.
DENISE PRICE There was a threat made by Henderson towards one of the prospective witnesses for the homicide that ...
STEVE ANDERSON Mr. Secretary, if the nursing home owners are arrested for negligent homicide, why shouldn't you als...
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY I'm part Filipino, part Japanese, part Chinese, part Malaysian, and part Spanish, and all those ...
MANIKA Problem is, life is not karaoke booth
MALENA WATROUS I grew up watching Steven Spielberg and scary movies.
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN I want to do an album with Steven Seagal.
ACTION BRONSON Steven Spielberg and I have tremendous amounts of money.
DAVID GEFFEN Always keep a song in your heart - it's like karaoke for the voices in your head
ROBERT FULTON ABERNETHY I was a good little boy and a good student. I've never been arrested.
MICHAEL MOORE No-one can replace Richard Wright - he was my musical partner and my friend.
DAVID GILMOUR I would rather have Steven available for the next month rather than just 80 minutes of this match.
RAFAEL BENITEZ There was a 16-year-old arrested which was really unfortunate, but it was not what we expected for a...
CAPT. ALLAN ELKINS Eventually I wouldn't mind getting some local bands or hosting karaoke on Thursday nights,
ANTHONY BAILEY My go-to karaoke? 'Alone' by Celine Dion.
ABBY WAMBACH We felt Steven was one of the top free-agent big men out there,
BILLY KING I left Mr. Wright in '41, just before the war.
EDGAR TAFEL I love karaoke. I love maudlin country ballads. In another life, I'd be Loretta Lynn.
SAM TAYLOR-WOOD There are no karaoke dreamers on this show.
CHRIS PARR A generation ago, for every one girl arrested for assault, there were 10 boys arrested for assault. ...
JAMES GARBARINO was alone at the time that we arrested him.
STEVE DIXON My office doubles as a karaoke den for the neighborhood. There are strobe lights and Rock Band plast...
JEFF KINNEY People are arrested for nonviolent crimes every day, you had a boy get killed on television and nobo...
RAMON ALEXANDER I get recognized more for my 'Lip Sync Battle' than I do for being Spider-Man.
TOM HOLLAND Someone must have slandered Josef K., for one morning, without having done anything truly wrong, he ...
FRANZ KAFKA Lips are kind of like my thing, and I've always been obsessed with lipstick and lip liner. I jus...
KYLIE JENNER I can be not showered and dressed like a slob, but my lip gloss will be on!
DAGMARA DOMINCZYK He was my drummer. My guy. Mine. I bit my lip to hold back a grin.
WENDY HIGGINS Music is being treated as one big karaoke machine.
ROBIN GIBB I only knew that [as] I was being arrested it was the last time I would ever ride in humiliation of ...
ROSA PARKS Sitting at the table during Color Purple and looking up and suddenly realizing I was acting in front...
WHOOPI GOLDBERG Lt. Steven Hauk: Sir, in my heart, I know I'm funny.
GOOD MORNING VIETNAM When they stood up and I stayed where I was, he asked me if I was going to stand and I told him that...
ROSA PARKS I believe they arrested him first thing this morning. The homicide team arrested him after they inte...
CINDY BEAVERS That's Cindy Sheehan being taken away. She was arrested first.
JANET PARKER Thirteen citizens volunteered to be arrested for Cops for Cancer,
SCOTT WARREN I love karaoke and totally hog the mic when I go out and do it with my friends.
CHARLI XCX I have been involved with 'Spring Awakening' for six years. I am 20 now - I just turned 20 i...
LEA MICHELE My go-to is a red lip. It's a timeless fashion statement, and I've loved doing it ever since...
GRACIE GOLD I always put a layer of lip balm first, and then I layer the lipstick on by using a lip brush to hel...
GRACIE GOLD Dorrell Wright, he's a young guy. I hear he's a good defender.
JEFF MALONE They want a lip print for their autograph books. I'm a sport; I go along.
CLEO MOORE I got arrested once on stage in Memphis for looking too much like Liza Minnelli.
DAVID JOHANSEN My ex-wife, my other son Steven and I decided to go ahead because we thought it was something Stuart...
PETER WHITE I think he was arrested because he had given an interview with a journalist and they discovered he w...
ABDULLAHI ABDEL KARIM We knew we had to put some pressure (on Wright) tonight for us to win,
KAMERION WIMBLEY I have a karaoke punk band called The Ungrateful Dead, but we don't exist yet.
ERIC ANDRE Essien was man marking Steven Gerrard and didn't allow anyone to pass to him. He can be a good role ...
UZAIR SHAFIQUE We have arrested one suicide attacker and another was shot dead.
GOPAL SHARMA
More Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching...
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you str...
STEVEN WRIGHT A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space...
STEVEN WRIGHT I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
STEVEN WRIGHT Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHT You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT Black holes are where God divided by zero.
STEVEN WRIGHT Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, yo...
STEVEN WRIGHT I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
STEVEN WRIGHT I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
STEVEN WRIGHT My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
STEVEN WRIGHT Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this b...
STEVEN WRIGHT George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
STEVEN WRIGHT The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
STEVEN WRIGHT If God dropped acid, would he see people?
STEVEN WRIGHT I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop,...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of t...
STEVEN WRIGHT I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, d...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
STEVEN WRIGHT I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an...
STEVEN WRIGHT I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
STEVEN WRIGHT I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
STEVEN WRIGHT Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be...
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
STEVEN WRIGHT At one point he decided enough was enough.
STEVEN WRIGHT I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
STEVEN WRIGHT I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that w...
STEVEN WRIGHT Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
STEVEN WRIGHT It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because th...
STEVEN WRIGHT I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and g...
STEVEN WRIGHT I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-...
STEVEN WRIGHT I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
STEVEN WRIGHT So, do you live around here often?
STEVEN WRIGHT I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way thro...
STEVEN WRIGHT Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it beca...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing film...
STEVEN WRIGHT I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
STEVEN WRIGHT I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
STEVEN WRIGHT I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for thre...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.
STEVEN WRIGHT Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really ex...
STEVEN WRIGHT It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
STEVEN WRIGHT I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I t...
STEVEN WRIGHT You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The...
STEVEN WRIGHT I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di...
STEVEN WRIGHT I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
STEVEN WRIGHT There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalato...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy ...
STEVEN WRIGHT OK, so what's the speed of dark?
STEVEN WRIGHT Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in Ja...
STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
STEVEN WRIGHT Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere i...
STEVEN WRIGHT I invented the cordless extension cord.
STEVEN WRIGHT I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
STEVEN WRIGHT For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them f...
STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that d...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during...
STEVEN WRIGHT If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
STEVEN WRIGHT My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be assoc...
STEVEN WRIGHT Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-g...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
STEVEN WRIGHT There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really inte...
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not tryi...
STEVEN WRIGHT I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I...
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and force...
STEVEN WRIGHT How young can you die of old age?
STEVEN WRIGHT I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
STEVEN WRIGHT I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
STEVEN WRIGHT Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistical...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black...
STEVEN WRIGHT I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
STEVEN WRIGHT If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
STEVEN WRIGHT It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
STEVEN WRIGHT Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually...
STEVEN WRIGHT I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
STEVEN WRIGHT On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the othe...
STEVEN WRIGHT They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
STEVEN WRIGHT All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
STEVEN WRIGHT What a nice night for an evening.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
STEVEN WRIGHT If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
STEVEN WRIGHT Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
STEVEN WRIGHT If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
STEVEN WRIGHT You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
STEVEN WRIGHT My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant...
STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right...
STEVEN WRIGHT I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
STEVEN WRIGHT If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she t...
STEVEN WRIGHT My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
STEVEN WRIGHT What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
STEVEN WRIGHT George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
STEVEN WRIGHT Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build...
STEVEN WRIGHT My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
STEVEN WRIGHT I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after...
STEVEN WRIGHT I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world......
STEVEN WRIGHT If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It'...
STEVEN WRIGHT I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll c...
STEVEN WRIGHT My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she lov...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'W...
STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap...
STEVEN WRIGHT You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows u...
STEVEN WRIGHT Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few m...
STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the li...
STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
STEVEN WRIGHT The past week our bullpen threw a lot, especially with the doubleheaders in the (Rainbow) tournament...
STEVEN WRIGHT In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably doub...
STEVEN WRIGHT The uncertainty is petrol prices,
STEVEN WRIGHT Our modelling suggest bond yields should rise in line with the US by at least 1 per cent. The X fact...
STEVEN WRIGHT Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. W...
STEVEN WRIGHT I've known Ian for a while. It's not about beating the best pitcher. He's still my buddy. I'll proba...
STEVEN WRIGHT I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote"
STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is ma...
STEVEN WRIGHT Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even st...
STEVEN WRIGHT Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even ...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never...
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
STEVEN WRIGHT Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big...
STEVEN WRIGHT Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
STEVEN WRIGHT I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you�...
STEVEN WRIGHT I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out...
STEVEN WRIGHT Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, mayb...
STEVEN WRIGHT