I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.