I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
Related
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emu...
ANTHONY JESELNIK You cant live champagne life,if you cant buy beer.
I DONT KNOW I love the characters you can build upon when you wear different things. You know, sometimes, I'...
POPPY DELEVINGNE I don't always wear underwear. When I'm in the heat, especially, I can't wear it. Like, ...
NAOMI CAMPBELL I wear a continuous glucose monitor when I'm racing.
CHARLIE KIMBALL I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they're usually somebody's. You know, I'm not we...
ELLEN DEGENERES I always wear my evil eye necklace to ward off bad karma. I always wear one to protect me.
GRACIE GOLD When I'm working I wear so much makeup, and when I'm out with my friends I wear makeup, so s...
LAURA MARANO I'm a millionaire, I'm a multi-millionaire. I'm filthy rich. You know why I'm a mult...
MICHAEL MOORE I have a necklace with a golden key, given to me by my sisters, which I always wear.
KARLIE KLOSS I generally like to wear my hair down, preferably with soft curls. But when I'm having a bad hai...
YAMI GAUTAM When I don't know what to wear, I wear black lace.
CARINE ROITFELD I'm interested when things are upside down - because there are so many possibilities in that one...
ANNA DEAVERE SMITH I'm always trying to turn things upside down and see if they look any better.
TIBOR KALMAN When I work, I work. I don't think about anything else. I just wanna get the work done. And I...
COCO LEE I wear a necklace of hope with pearly beads. When I met you, it broke, and the beads spilled all ove...
KAREN QUAN Maybe it sounds like I'm splitting hairs here but I don't wanna perform for a living, I wann...
JIM PARRACK But most distinctly, I remember always saying to myself that when I get big, I'm not going to go...
BUCK OWENS When I reached 80, my world turned upside down physically. I've had a lot of physical problems.
BILLY GRAHAM Honestly I just wear what I like. You know why? 'Cause I can, I'm a rock star.
AMY LEE When I wear high heels I have a great vocabulary and I speak in paragraphs. I'm more eloquent. I...
MEG RYAN I'm over being a pop star. I don't wanna be a hot girl. I wanna be iconic. And I feel like I...
BEYONCE KNOWLES Music is real when it goes inside you. You know when you really love someone, and you look into thei...
EVA SIMONS I'm not a fussy eater, but when I'm travelling, I try to stick to the same regime and just h...
ELLA HENDERSON Gibberish rap is - I freestyle all the time, just hangin' out with friends. And sometimes when I...
HANNIBAL BURESS I'm insecure about things. I'm not afraid to say it, though. Even when my publicist is like,...
WALE The racism, the sexism, I never let it be my problem. It's their problem. If I see a door comin&...
ROSIE PEREZ When I go out or to an event, I'll wear blue jeans and a shirt. And sometimes when I go to an ev...
SI ROBERTSON I'm a very big Faulkner fan 'cause I'm a Southerner.
GREGORY BENFORD I just wanna be me and play golf. I'm just Bubba.
BUBBA WATSON I wear girls' jeans, a lot of black, and I wear a lot of jewelry. I'm a wacky person!
JAMIE BLACKLEY Because I'm a designer, I'm quite good when I shop. I know what I'm looking for.
OZWALD BOATENG I wear black because I'm comfortable in it. But then in the summertime when it's hot I'm...
JOHNNY CASH An Oklahoma girl like me wouldn't even know how to be a diva. I'm just a person who has a co...
CARRIE UNDERWOOD I always wear my black watch on my left wrist so I know I'm on stage on time.
CONOR MAYNARD There's so many things I'm dying to do. I wanna do a movie with horses.
BETHANY JOY LENZ I think the artistic side of architecture was natural to me. My mother was an artist and a poet.
I. M. PEI I have a great love for nature. That must have started somewhere down back home, I think, because my...
I. M. PEI One thing I learn - I've been in practice now for half a century or more, and the most important...
I. M. PEI Contemporary architects tend to impose modernity on something. There is a certain concern for histor...
I. M. PEI I arrived in the U.S.A. in 1935, to San Francisco. I got the boat from China, and I didn't even ...
I. M. PEI I'd been going to the Louvre since 1951. I thought I knew Paris and the French, but I didn't...
I. M. PEI A city, far from being a cluster of buildings, is actually a sequence of spaces enclosed and defined...
I. M. PEI We had a lot of difficulty in getting the French to accept the pyramid. They thought we were trying ...
I. M. PEI It is good to learn from the ancients. I'm a bit of an ancient myself. They had a lot of time to...
I. M. PEI Architecture must not do violence to space or its neighbors.
I. M. PEI The Louvre for me is a wonderful experience. Because it continues; it didn't get cut off. It was...
I. M. PEI Even a beautiful piece of work can be overshadowed, destroyed, by something else.
I. M. PEI A lasting architecture has to have roots.
I. M. PEI The first decent building I did with my own practice was a chapel in Taiwan.
I. M. PEI In northern architecture - the cathedrals of Europe and all the little churches - the details, the c...
I. M. PEI To me, form doesn't always follow function. Form has a life of its own, and at times, it may be ...
I. M. PEI I liked the America of Bing Crosby, Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton - it was all a dream, of cours...
I. M. PEI The essence of architecture is form and space, and light is the essential element to the key to arch...
I. M. PEI I came, I studied architecture in America, so my technical background's completely western. But ...
I. M. PEI The Pyramids are perfect, but you can't put the Pyramids in the middle of Manhattan. In the dese...
I. M. PEI I try to tell all the - not even the kids, even people older than me - to just be themselves. Don...
TYLER, THE CREATOR I know what I'm doing even when I'm wearing a pencil skirt.
SHAKIRA I think about my friends all the time when I'm designing. That's always an arbiter. Would Ka...
JEREMY SCOTT When I'm at home or at school, I'm casual and comfortable. I tend to wear work out clothes a...
ANNASOPHIA ROBB Do I wear a helmet? Ugh. I do when I'm riding through a precarious part of town, meaning Midtown...
DAVID BYRNE I'm twisted cause one side of me is telling me that I need to move on the other side I just wanna br...
USHER RAYMOND You were the one who gave me those boxers? I wondered where they came from, I wear those! Although I...
JOEL MADDEN I wanna make my imprint in the game as far as music - hip-hop, and just music, period. 'Cause I ...
NAYVADIUS CASH I wasn't like a Hollywood child actor - 'I'm five! I can sing, I can dance, I can act! I...
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD Oh, I'm quite the impulse buyer. Most of what I buy is stuff for my Jeep, 'cause it breaks d...
PATRICK FUGIT I want to wear skinny jeans when I'm in my 70s. Why not? Who cares?
EWAN MCGREGOR I don't want to just be a champion, and I'm done with that. I wanna be a lightweight legend.
RAFAEL DOS ANJOS I'm on a lot of airplanes, so I just sip on red wine thinking of stupid ideas and, when I think ...
BAM MARGERA Women risked their lives for the right to vote. When I hear people say, 'Oh, I'm not gonna v...
JUDY GOLD I've got to tell you, I'm not really a tie man. I'll wear a tie if I have to: If I'm...
TAMER HASSAN I'm very kinesthetic, and when you're that way, you just feel it in your body. I know that o...
NATASSIA MALTHE What I wear is a reflection of where I am going and how I am feeling. If I'm in a good mood, it&...
KIM CATTRALL I'd like to have no rules and eat what I want, but I've learned over the years that I'm ...
GWEN STEFANI I think I'm plain. I'm normal. I'm plain. I try not to stand out. I don't wear color...
CATHY MORIARTY I realize I stare at everyone, especially when I'm walking down the street. I'm just a curio...
PENN BADGLEY I'm very picky in what I wear.
CHANDLER PARSONS I’m sorry.” Once again, those were the words. And now, anytime someone says I’m sorry, I’m g...
JAY ASHER I'm not a computer guy. I'm like an anthropologist. I'm fascinated with people's obs...
WILLIAM GIBSON I'm very emotional. That's why I wear shades a lot.
DUANE CHAPMAN I don't really wanna know what makes you leave, or when you'll be back.
I just wanna know what ...
ADE SANTI I love when I'm writing and I'm cringing because I know I'm doing something right.
ZOE CASSAVETES When I'm not dancing, I usually just like to keep it comfy. Even if I'm just going to dinner...
MADDIE ZIEGLER I'm just really a free spirit. You gotta be like that. 'Cause life ain't that complicate...
NAYVADIUS CASH When I'm not working, I'm really, really low key. I don't wear makeup unless I have to; ...
GUGU MBATHA-RAW I think I'm not always what I seem. Most people, when they get to know me, say, 'You know, w...
EVANGELINE LILLY No, I didn't work it out upside down, I never turned it around.
H. R. GIGER I'm like Johnny Cash. I only wear black.
ADELE I'm a real rebel with a cause.
NINA SIMONE I've been wearing Chinese clothes since I was 14. I can't wear a suit. I'm small, and wh...
AZZEDINE ALAIA I know it sounds like I'm playing all these wives and girlfriends, but they're not waiting a...
ANA DE ARMAS I'm like every other woman: a closet full of clothes, but nothing to wear: So I wear jeans.
CAMERON DIAZ I wanna record these girls individually. And then, I wanna cut a blues album on me. But all of it, o...
IKE TURNER I'm so shy now I wear sunglasses everywhere I go.
AL PACINO It's not like I ride a broom into interviews. I don't hang upside down with a cape on.
TRENT REZNOR I don't put people down. I build people up. That's how I always wanna be looked at.
ACTION BRONSON People say I'm wearing heels because I'm short. I wear heels because the women like 'em.
PRINCE I was greatly inspired by a novel I once read when I was young. It was about military aircrafts and ...
MAIPELO KELOTLEGILE One fan sent me one tooth, so I made a necklace out of it. But then I found a bunch of my baby teeth...
KESHA I've been reckless, but I'm not a rebel without a cause.
ANGELINA JOLIE
More Mitch Hedberg
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
MITCH HEDBERG Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was proli...
MITCH HEDBERG If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has...
MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
MITCH HEDBERG All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that b...
MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a w...
MITCH HEDBERG Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Rob...
MITCH HEDBERG Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, s...
MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're g...
MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got h...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so......
MITCH HEDBERG Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, yo...
MITCH HEDBERG I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the...
MITCH HEDBERG I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, becau...
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the d...
MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't ...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio?...
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-ci...
MITCH HEDBERG I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfwa...
MITCH HEDBERG I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. Th...
MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have han...
MITCH HEDBERG I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and...
MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporari...
MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't...
MITCH HEDBERG I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
MITCH HEDBERG It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
MITCH HEDBERG I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good...
MITCH HEDBERG Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a...
MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's ha...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other...
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, beca...
MITCH HEDBERG I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store...
MITCH HEDBERG Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile whe...
MITCH HEDBERG Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
MITCH HEDBERG I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally w...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was tryi...
MITCH HEDBERG Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all ...
MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with the...
MITCH HEDBERG I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would nev...
MITCH HEDBERG You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at m...
MITCH HEDBERG With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quit...
MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I'v...
MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming...
MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wa...
MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other w...
MITCH HEDBERG Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because...
MITCH HEDBERG If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supp...
MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit!
MITCH HEDBERG At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I nee...
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
MITCH HEDBERG My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't wan...
MITCH HEDBERG I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people wer...
MITCH HEDBERG My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was sup...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations th...
MITCH HEDBERG I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying g...
MITCH HEDBERG If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
MITCH HEDBERG A guy told me he liked cherries. I waited to see if he was going to say 'tomato' before I realized h...
MITCH HEDBERG Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport ...
MITCH HEDBERG Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away...
MITCH HEDBERG ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would ...
MITCH HEDBERG Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and ...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of tak...
MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
MITCH HEDBERG “S*** or get off the pot.”
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they pa...
MITCH HEDBERG Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because th...
MITCH HEDBERG You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.
MITCH HEDBERG I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in f...
MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get ...
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ev...
MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way ...
MITCH HEDBERG I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss!
MITCH HEDBERG There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips!
MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
MITCH HEDBERG Why are there no during pictures.
MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I do...
MITCH HEDBERG I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.
MITCH HEDBERG I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't k...
MITCH HEDBERG I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me ...
MITCH HEDBERG Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and...
MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I ...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorr...
MITCH HEDBERG I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a con...
MITCH HEDBERG You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, ...
MITCH HEDBERG I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They re...
MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know h...
MITCH HEDBERG If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, t...
MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporaril...
MITCH HEDBERG You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with...
MITCH HEDBERG I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me.
MITCH HEDBERG I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is
MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubbl...
MITCH HEDBERG I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
MITCH HEDBERG I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault. Bigfoot is blurry...
MITCH HEDBERG I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to p...
MITCH HEDBERG Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one.
MITCH HEDBERG I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wr...
MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll ...
MITCH HEDBERG My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockr...
MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never l...
MITCH HEDBERG I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
MITCH HEDBERG What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?...
MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna hav...
MITCH HEDBERG Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
MITCH HEDBERG I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Gr...
MITCH HEDBERG It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funk...
MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'...
MITCH HEDBERG One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every pict...
MITCH HEDBERG That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for th...
MITCH HEDBERG I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a...
MITCH HEDBERG COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP
MITCH HEDBERG I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.
MITCH HEDBERG Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't...
MITCH HEDBERG 2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product...
MITCH HEDBERG I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, tha...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me t...
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I...
MITCH HEDBERG Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,0...
MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG the best plan is changeable
MITCH They're all really little boys. We get these guys who control business kingdoms and make people shak...
CATHARINA HEDBERG On Thursday I found him in his room in the fetal position.
CATHARINA HEDBERG She is definitely an offensive threat. If she can get her feet set, she can be deadly.
WENDY HEDBERG No one's star-struck here. You puke right next to the best of them.
CATHARINA HEDBERG Both Whitney and Amy are what is neat about this team. They are not selfish. It is not all about sco...
WENDY HEDBERG Alisa's been playing great, just unbelievable. Her shooting percentage is one of the tops in the con...
WENDY HEDBERG People in the industry foresee a time in which, for many people, the only thing they'll need on ...
MITCH KAPOR When business leaders ask me what they can do for Indiana, I always reply: 'Make money. Go make ...
MITCH DANIELS I think we need to respect the wishes of voters. They have been busily at work making these decision...
MITCH MCCONNELL I give Bill Gates an A for vision because, as a business person and a strategist, he's brilliant...
MITCH KAPOR We did the two-year extension of Bush tax cuts in 2010. We negotiated the Budget Control Act in Augu...
MITCH MCCONNELL The border is way more porous than it should be, and I think we'd be open to discussing anything...
MITCH MCCONNELL My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came...
MITCH ALBOM We're living under the Obama economy. Any CEO in America with a record like this after three yea...
MITCH MCCONNELL People come down for baseball or football or hockey and drive by the refurbished Fox and State theat...
MITCH ALBOM If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it's goi...
MITCH ALBOM My jaw dropped, ... I felt shame that I had to find out over the television, then felt sorrow and a ...
MITCH ALBOM Since everyone was going to die, he could be of great value, right? ... He could be research. A huma...
MITCH ALBOM You're not a wave, you're a part of the ocean.
MITCH ALBOM A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention with the possible exceptions ...
MITCH RATCLIFFE Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a we...
MITCH ALBOM You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense o...
MITCH ALBOM Now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of th...
MITCH ALBOM Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe.
MITCH ALBOM You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, y...
MITCH ALBOM But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of goin...
MITCH ALBOM I drive a beat-up Mercury Cougar, with the windows down and the music up. I seek my identity in toug...
MITCH ALBOM So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy do...
MITCH ALBOM