So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flex...
TIM VINE So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
TIM VINE Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwar...
TIM VINE Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
TIM VINE I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.
TIM VINE So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said ...
TIM VINE As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a ...
TIM VINE Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so ...
TIM VINE So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ...
TIM VINE Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all...
TIM VINE I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
TIM VINE I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about th...
TIM VINE I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
TIM VINE People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I real...
TIM VINE You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
TIM VINE So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a vo...
TIM VINE You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the wind...
TIM VINE So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends...
TIM VINE So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps i...
TIM VINE So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?"...
TIM VINE I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I...
TIM VINE If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doe...
TIM VINE If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.
TIM VINE For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.
TIM VINE So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?&#...
TIM VINE Velcro: what a rip-off.
TIM VINE So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I&...
TIM VINE People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff ...
TIM VINE You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the wind...
TIM VINE One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there...
TIM VINE Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
TIM VINE You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoo...
TIM VINE I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
TIM VINE You are an Earth Angel, you chose to come here. Choose now to embrace who you really are
SARAH VINE Our children are our own little angels, nurture them, love them, believe in how special and importan...
SARAH VINE Always remember, you are so SPECIAL and so LOVED ♥
SARAH VINE It is no coincidence that when we take our last breath, our Spirit leaves our body. Your breath is y...
SARAH VINE Ask the Angels to help you, everyday, for everything - they are always there, you just need to remem...
SARAH VINE You may look at a rainbow and wonder if there really is a pot of gold at the end of it.. know that Y...
SARAH VINE When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white man came, an Indian...
VINE DELORIA, JR. Western civilization, unfortunately, does not link knowledge and morality but rather, it connects kn...
VINE DELORIA, JR. When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white man came, an Indian...
VINE DELORIA, JR. Never has America lost a war ... But name, if you can, the last peace the United States won. Victory...
VINE DELORIA JR. Religion is for people who're afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for those who've already been...
VINE DELORIA JR. Until America begins to build a moral record in her dealings with the Indian people she should not t...
VINE DELORIA JR. It's like an alarm clock's gone off, and I've just got to get away. I think it was John Lennon who s...
TIM Things that I grew up with stay with me. You start a certain way, and then you spend your whole life...
TIM BURTON It's good as an artist to always remember to see things in a new, weird way.
TIM BURTON Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married wit...
TIM ALLEN Our failure as a society to properly acknowledge and confront the psychological, social, and politic...
TIM WISE As one of the first editors at 'Outside' magazine in 1975, it was my contention that most Am...
TIM CAHILL I think the iPhone is the best consumer product ever. That's what I feel about it. And it's ...
TIM COOK We collectively, to get things done, work together as a team. Because the work really happens horizo...
TIM COOK Keeping young people away from Shakespeare is like removing a link to their humanness.
TIM CROUCH I have a problem when people say something's real or not real, or normal or abnormal. The meanin...
TIM BURTON My great-grandfather was a coal miner, who worked in Pennsylvania mines when carts were pulled by mu...
TIM MURPHY My favorite record shop was called Recommended Records, in South London near where I lived - they di...
TIM GANE I'll always use the negativity as more motivation to work even harder and become even stronger.
TIM TEBOW There's always someone out there training for your spot. For my scholarship at the University of...
TIM TEBOW I'm an introvert on the Myers-Briggs. I've got to have time by myself to recharge. My philos...
TIM KAINE I try to be as real and honest about everything and very genuine with people and say, 'Listen, I...
TIM TEBOW How did we suddenly become entranced with gangster culture? I saw it this morning on campus. When di...
TIM REID Stanley Kubrick went with his gut feeling: he directed 'Dr. Strangelove' as a black comedy. ...
TIM CAHILL In this time of budget cuts, we cannot forget that basic science is a building block for scientific ...
TIM BISHOP I always want to learn but I am sure on my dying day I will feel like I left something in the bucket...
TIM MCGRAW One of the things that I share with Bryan Becket is this hole in my childhood memory. There's ab...
TIM DALY People have to realize that just because you're a Christian, it doesn't mean that you're...
TIM TEBOW My interests and obsessions have always been so wide-ranging that I keep popping my head out of diff...
TIM CURRY When I went to Warner Bros., there was a woman named Bonnie Lee who was an executive who helped me t...
TIM BURTON I don't think Brian Cox does 'The Wonders of the Solar System' because he believes the w...
TIM HARFORD Kinect is such a great new entry into the field because it takes away one of the big barriers to lit...
TIM SCHAFER There's been times where I've come out of the bullpen thinking I was going to throw a no hit...
TIM WAKEFIELD I am very bullish on India because of its people, its culture, and the leadership. I love the cultur...
TIM COOK A single camel can carry around 300 kilograms. Using camels for hauling during migration is becoming...
TIM COPE Ultimately, it's a sense of camaraderie and friendship with local people that is core to my jour...
TIM COPE In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of c...
TIM ALLEN It turns out that people - in every country in the world, there's a segment of buyer that wants ...
TIM COOK I've known Harvey for over 40 years and I worked with him on the Burnett show for 11 years. I gu...
TIM CONWAY The reason 'The Carol Burnett Show' did so well in the ratings is because people were lookin...
TIM CONWAY As a small business owner for the last 15 years, when I think of what truly changed my life, it was ...
TIM SCOTT I predict after this whole thing is over, what we'll remember about the failed candidacy of Dona...
TIM KAINE I remember in '37 when trolley cars were so big in New York. It was five cents for a ride... The...
TINY TIM For people like me, who have blocked out a chunk of their past, you wonder - if you open that door, ...
TIM DALY I believe our health care system is in drastic need of innovative, patient-centered reforms that enc...
TIM GRIFFIN It's often hilarious to me that I'm writing about Tonga or some tropical place and there'...
TIM CAHILL The biggest blunder in the history of this country was when President Truman pulled General MacArthu...
TINY TIM The people I represent in Northeast Ohio and the tens of millions of workers across our country are ...
TIM RYAN Today, children are watching more and more television, and are bombarded over and over with images a...
TIM MURPHY The first thing I would do for anyone who's trying to lose body fat, for instance, would be to r...
TIM FERRISS I kind of struggled as a 10-year-old to make out what it meant that Martin Luther King and Bobby Ken...
TIM KAINE Necessity is the author of change
TIM HANSEL Right whales, for all their size, are surprisingly athletic. They roll, they slap their flukes, they...
TIM CAHILL By encouraging renewable energy sources such as wind energy, we boost South Dakota's economy and...
TIM JOHNSON I love drafting like I love eating ice cream or having sex; I love revising like I love doing logic ...
TIM PRATT The most important thing in my life is Christ. He's more important than winning or losing or whe...
TIM HOWARD To provide background and physical description and all the rest is of course vital to fiction, but v...
TIM O'BRIEN I like bothering people and stirring things up.
TIM DALY I always wondered how it would be to put on a Braves uniform and play in Atlanta.
TIM HUDSON Maybe these kids are just too young and too dumb to know about the first 13. Maybe they can't co...
TIM HUDSON Braves fans are one-of-a-kind. Your passion to win comes close to equaling that of the players that ...
TIM HUDSON I was a huge fan of Bobby Cox, a huge fan of Chipper Jones and John Smoltz. And just those guys, I g...
TIM HUDSON One thing that I learned is this - once a Braves fan, always a Braves fan. No matter what. And as a ...
TIM HUDSON When I was traded from the Oakland A's to the Atlanta Braves before the 2005 season, a childhood...
TIM HUDSON After 'Psychonauts,' we could have laid off half our team so that we'd have more money a...
TIM SCHAFER In the attic, a warhead no doubt burns. Everything is combustible. Faith burns. Trust burns. Everyth...
TIM O'BRIEN The human life is all one thing, like a blade tracing loops on the ice: a little kid, a twenty-three...
TIM O'BRIEN Just as the PC bled back into industrial economy, I think the Internet is going to bleed back into o...
TIM O'REILLY We’re not the Faster-than-the-Speed-of-Light Generation anymore. We’re not even the Next-New-Thi...
TIM THARP The path to wisdom is paved with humility.
TIM FARGO Her eyes were of different colors, the left as brown as autumn, the right as gray as Atlantic wind. ...
TIM WILLOCKS Happiness grows best in the soil of contentment.
TIM FARGO Your friends will believe in your potential, your enemies will make you live up to it.
TIM FARGO One person's craziness is another person's reality.
TIM BURTON Sometimes we can't see the relevance of Jesus Christ until we become dissatisfied with the world and...
TIM CRAWSHAW Who you are tomorrow begins with what you do today.
TIM FARGO I feel the need to endanger myself every so often.
TIM DALY Besides, it doesn't matter if it's real. It never does with dreams. They aren't anything anyway but ...
TIM THARP It's superb to be out in the early, early morning before the sun comes up. There's this sense of bei...
TIM THARP We all know interspecies romance is weird.
TIM BURTON Forget those things that aren't worth remembering.
TIM FOLEY I've been promoted to middle management. I never thought I'd sink so low.
TIM GOULD Let us live for the beauty of our own reality.
TIM ROBBINS Good habits are as easy to form as bad ones.
TIM MCCARVER I grew up in New York, and I have that in me, that be-honest-at-all-costs, don't b.s. me attitude. I...
TIM ROBBINS Necessity is the author of change.
TIM HANSEL When we were growing up and saw a Ray Harryhausen movie, we were interested in how it was done. But ...
TIM BURTON Telling lies does not work in advertising.
TIM BELL Anyone who has lost track of time when using a computer knows the propensity to dream, the urge to m...
TIM BERNERS I believe that treating other people well is a lost art.
TIM GUNN Everything in this room is edible. Even I'm edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is look...
TIM BURTON A journey is best measured in friends rather than miles
TIM CAHILL I hate them with all the hate you can hate with. Can you hate more than that? If you can, I hate the...
TIM HARDAWAY I'm surrounded by nothing but great people. I've been blessed with that, so really, I've...
TIM DUNCAN I was an All-American in wrestling in high school, was National Champion in Chinese kickboxing in 19...
TIM FERRISS I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
TIM ALLEN Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good l...
TIM ALLEN In 1968, I left Cambridge and went to work in New York with Irving M. London, who was then the chair...
TIM HUNT Democrats must adopt a progressive economic message that focuses on large, direct infrastructure inv...
TIM RYAN The philosophical point is that our happiness and wellbeing is not based on incomes rising. This is ...
TIM JACKSON A picture of me as this super affable sales guy gets painted, but in actuality, I'm pretty drive...
TIM ARMSTRONG I believe that everyone, regardless of who they are, should do something that is greater than themse...
TIM TEBOW I am living out my adolescent dream of travel and adventure.
TIM CAHILL The community of developers whose work you see on the Web, who probably don't know what ADO or U...
TIM BRAY Amtrak offers riders a cost-effective way to travel throughout the country.
TIM BISHOP A healthy Amtrak is an integral part of New York and the Nation's economy and transportation sys...
TIM BISHOP As a personal beneficiary of the service that Amtrak provides and as someone who represents a congre...
TIM BISHOP Life is never all one thing. It bounces around. Certainly, my own life has. Look at Woody Allen'...
TIM O'BRIEN I'm not perfect. And who knows how many times I've fallen short. We all fall short. That'...
TIM TEBOW When under siege, if we do not stand for our liberties and for the liberties of those who are unable...
TIM HUELSKAMP The American economy has always been the innovator in the world, and we're starting to see some ...
TIM KAINE The supermarket chain Whole Foods has quite a radical employee empowerment program, where employees ...
TIM HARFORD Novelty is adaptive when things are changing and you need to adapt yourself. Tradition is essential ...
TIM JACKSON I learned much more about acting from philosophy courses, psychology courses, history and anthropolo...
TIM ROBBINS While I am talking about private sector job creation, the cap-and-trade energy tax, Speaker Pelosi&#...
TIM GRIFFIN It is the accuracy and detail inherent in crafted goods that endows them with lasting value. It is t...
TIM JACKSON If women are not accorded equal place in the leadership of the Catholic Church and the other great w...
TIM KAINE If we don't figure out a way to create equity, real equity, of opportunity and access, to good s...
TIM WISE Everyone has a best feature, so find clothes and accessories to accentuate those, whether it's y...
TIM GUNN Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station...
TIM ALLEN If you told me when I was a teen that I would end up being a teacher, I would have said you're o...
TIM GUNN I had this wonderful career and thought I would retire as a teacher.
TIM GUNN I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adama...
TIM ALLEN Thank God for acupuncture. It's been around for 2000 years. It's not going anyplace and peop...
TIM DALY My dad was a great business guy, and he always taught us that his business acumen would put his work...
TIM KAINE In Hollywood, they think drawn animation doesn't work anymore, computers are the way. They forge...
TIM BURTON Perhaps most important for nomads was the belief in the symbiosis that existed between wolf and huma...
TIM COPE I pray to start my day and finish it in prayer. I'm just thankful for everything, all the blessi...
TIM TEBOW I'm just thankful for everything, all the blessings in my life, trying to stay that way. I think...
TIM TEBOW I think life is sacred, whether it's abortion or the death penalty.
TIM KAINE A bullet can kill the enemy, but a bullet can also produce an enemy, depending on whom that bullet s...
TIM O'BRIEN I hate when people don't keep their word or they are late. Tardiness is a big pet peeve of mine.
TIM HUDSON The Holocaust illustrates the consequences of prejudice, racism and stereotyping on a society. It fo...
TIM HOLDEN Until the company believes in itself, AOL didn't have its own space and identity in the marketpl...
TIM ARMSTRONG The idea was to study fertilization in as many different phyla and organisms as possible, using the ...
TIM HUNT Everyone is going to binge on a diet, for instance, so plan for it, schedule it, and contain the dam...
TIM FERRISS People love to talk about the old bipartisanship. But it wasn't really bipartisanship. Yeah, the...
TIM GRIFFIN Working on 'Nightmare Before Christmas,' I had endless arguments, like the studio saying, &#...
TIM BURTON I love getting on the subway because you get on the car, and you see the entire human race represent...
TIM DALY We're entering a new world in which data may be more important than software.
TIM O'REILLY Who was the first person to fly across the Atlantic? Lindbergh. Who was the second? No idea.
TIM O'REILLY There is a possibility of fresh talent coming to work for the government. Millennials are the most p...
TIM O'REILLY The thing we should all be looking for are people who want to make a difference. I'm a big belie...
TIM O'REILLY If companies don't think systemically enough - if they try to capture too much of the value - ev...
TIM O'REILLY I think Microsoft will have to change. I think that the business of Microsoft, the company of Micros...
TIM O'REILLY A short, glorious life in service of a greater good - say, the life of the Spartans at Thermopylae, ...
TIM O'REILLY One of O'Reilly's advantages is that we have a network of thousands of user groups to whom w...
TIM O'REILLY So many technologies start out with a burst of idealism, democratization, and opportunity, and over ...
TIM O'REILLY I think that Microsoft will increasingly feel margin pressure from Linux as well as people saying: w...
TIM O'REILLY A lot of the websites built through the 1990s used Perl. The first webmaster of Sun Microsystems coi...
TIM O'REILLY It's hard to make something as large as a government change. It's a little bit like building...
TIM O'REILLY There's not a single business model, and there's not a single type of electronic content. Th...
TIM O'REILLY My original business model - I actually wrote this down - was 'interesting work for interesting ...
TIM O'REILLY The network is opening up some amazing possibilities for us to reinvent content, reinvent collaborat...
TIM O'REILLY Why did Google, for example, recently decide to offer free 411 service? I haven't talked to peop...
TIM O'REILLY One of the big changes at the heart of Web 2.0 is the shift from the creation of software artifacts,...
TIM O'REILLY We often get blinded by the forms in which content is produced, rather than the job that the content...
TIM O'REILLY This whole idea of visibility by the public creates a pretty powerful lever. In the new transparency...
TIM O'REILLY Empowerment of individuals is a key part of what makes open source work, since in the end, innovatio...
TIM O'REILLY What new technology does is create new opportunities to do a job that customers want done.
TIM O'REILLY I started to do stop-motion when I was a kid. You take a Super 8 and make some models, and move, cli...
TIM BURTON