I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . . Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality . . . You're dead too.

I’m sorry, ... If she’s watching, I’m devoutly sorry to have offended you. I didn’t mean to offend you. I meant to tell you the truth. And that’s what I tried to do.

I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.