I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

The shortest distance between two people is a smile.