If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.