If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve.

If you're reading this, then I guess someone, somewhere does go through the rubbish and read every piece of paper that gets balled up and tossed away. So in that case here it is- my name's Sal.

I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone.

If you deserve it, go get it.

To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news.

Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it.