If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.


Woody Allen

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If you're not bruised up, then you're not doing an action film in a real way.
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If you're trying to make a recipe that you're not even going to bother tasting, you're d...
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If you're not a beautiful person, you can't do anything about it.
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If you're not really having a good time, it's not worth it.
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If you're not sincere with it, you shouldn't say anything at all.
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I'm very comfortable in the air. And if you're really in love with flight, you're in lov...
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If you're not cheating, you're not trying.
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If you're not frustrated, you're not producing.
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If you have a setback, and you're not doing well and then you overcome it somehow, it always sti...
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Until you're the person that other people fall back on, until you're the one that's lean...
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Working with Woody Allen is like filming Howard Hughes's will. It's a very mysterious and st...
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Here's kind of my motto - if you're not happy at home, you're not happy anywhere else.
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Then again, they're not scripted and I feel it's virtually impossible to be anything but you...
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Everyone in business is tenacious and extremely aggressive. If you're not a 'now' person...
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But if you're doing something, show up everyday, and something good might happen - it's not ...
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As far as actors who pop up again and again in Japanese dubs, and because they're really good ac...
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You're not ethnic enough. You're not fat enough. You're not thin enough. You're not ...
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If you're raised Methodist, Catholicism is a bit of a workout. It's sort of like you're ...
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If Woody Allen were a Muslim, he'd be dead by now.
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If you're not acting, you're not an actor.
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If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
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Instagram is just a way of showing the world a little piece of what you're like. You're not ...
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The cooking profession, while it's a noble craft and a noble calling, 'cause you're doin...
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When you're onstage and you know you're bombing, that's very, very scary. Because you kn...
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And if you're a golfer and you watch a golf film and Matt Damon swing, and it's not great, t...
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If you're impatient while waiting for the bus, tell yourself you're doing 'Bus waiting m...
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God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
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The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
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Sex is nature's way of saying 'Hi!'
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Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any
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If it wasn't for dogs, some people would never go for a walk.
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I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
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Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
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Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
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I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
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You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark?
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You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
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It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
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The decision to decide is a decision in itself.
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One small decision can change your life! That's why I always let someone else make my decisions, tha...
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Growing up is amazing, until you get old!
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All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white...
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If I don't log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must've kidnapped me!
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I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.
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Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.
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The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
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I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
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I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.
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Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
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A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
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Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
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It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.
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I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
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I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
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I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
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I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
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I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
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It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad o...
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Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
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I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
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Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
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My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make fi...
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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the bo...
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The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
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I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife
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I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
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The wicked at heart probably know something.
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My Lord, my Lord! What hast Thou done, lately?
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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy ...
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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
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It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
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If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say ab...
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I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
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I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
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I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
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How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typ...
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His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
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You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundre...
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Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverag...
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The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get y...
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Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
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On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
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Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
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My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
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Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
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Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
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A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
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Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declare...
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The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty.
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Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
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I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants
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I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
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Everytime I hear Wagner I feel like invading Poland.
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She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could ca...
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My brain? That´s my second favourite organ.
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I think any boycott is wrong, ... Boycotts were exactly what the Germans were doing against the Jews...
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Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you ca...
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Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
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As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to ge...
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Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
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There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says...
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I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horr...
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If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
WOODY ALLEN
I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.
WOODY ALLEN
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
slept better, [Cloquet...
WOODY ALLEN
Subjectivity is objective.
WOODY ALLEN
The most expensive sex is free sex
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These modern analysts! They charge so much. In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you....
WOODY ALLEN
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blow...
WOODY ALLEN
We laughed over it, and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.
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I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot
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Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.
WOODY ALLEN
You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The parad...
WOODY ALLEN
This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The...
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The heart wants what it wants.
WOODY ALLEN
We're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand sc...
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Chapter 1.
He adored New York City. He idolized it all out of proportion...no, make t...
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My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
WOODY ALLEN