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If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.


George Carlin

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If you’re in your life, chance. Viewed from the outside, like a book you’re reading, it’s fate...
DAVID MITCHELL There’s folks you just don’t need. You’re better off without em. Your life is just a little be...
WILLIAM GAY if a book isn't self-explanatory, then it isn't worth reading.
PAULO COELHO Helpfiles are traditionally outnumbered by no-help files, which superficially resemble a helpfile in...
CHARLES STROSS It's kind of a self-help book for the 'hood, if there is such a thing,
SHIA LABEOUF I've never read a self help book... the most self-help I've read is on a beer mat.
OPHELIA LOVIBOND This book will take you two days to read. Did you even see the cover? It’s mostly pink. If you’r...
MINDY KALING Is a self help or personal development book ruining your life?
KEN POIROT I used to dash by, feeling like a dartboard, a big red bull's-eye that Mother pinged darts at.
THE HELP I sat in the study parlor and wrote for hours-mostly term papers but also short stories, bad poetry,...
THE HELP To have a calm logical approach to things can be worth its wait in gold if you have the patience for...
GARY F EVANS... It ain’t whatcha write, it’s the way atcha write it.
ACK KEROUAC WD It ain’t how hard you are when you’re standing over top of someone that really matters. It’s h...
CEDRIC NYE The folks you help won't remember it and the folks you hurt won't ever forget it.
BILL CLAYTON Something did happen, and I really don't feel proud of it.
DEYTH BANGER Friends are supposed to act like harbor boats—let you know if you’re off course. But it ain’t ...
REBECCA WELLS ubiquitous, adj.

When it’s going well, the fact of it is everywhere. It�...
DAVID LEVITHAN Poor George [Bush], he can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
ANN RICHARDS I've always thought George Carlin was brilliant.
VICKI LAWRENCE You’re a nosy sleuth like me because you can’t help it,” Alma said.
ED LYNSKEY The seven words George Carlin said you couldn’t say on TV or radio (“fuck,” “piss,” “shi...
MARY NORRIS I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give ...
GEORGE CARLIN It doesn't help to wallow in self-pity. We're trying.
CINDY SALERNO A person who publishes a book willfully appears before the populace with his pants down. If it is a ...
EDNA ST. VINCENT MILLAY You ain’t got no advantages when you’re small and contrary.”

“I ain’t puny,” ...
JESSICA MARIA TUCCELLI It’s simple guy logic: If a woman is angry? It means she cares. If you’re in a relationship and ...
EMMA CHASE It’s not over if you’re still here,” Chronicler said. “It’s not a tragedy if you’re stil...
PATRICK ROTHFUSS I said, "The children wanted to know what life was like."
Junior said, “They [the children] d...
GEORGE DAWSON If a book is worth reading, it will most probably be worth reading twice.
AMAN JASSAL Reading the Bible will help you get to know the word, but it’s when you put it down and live your ...
STEVE MARABOLI I did stand-up. I loved George Carlin and Steve Martin.
STEVE BUSCEMI We try to help folks out when they're sick or down. It's part of being a good neighbor to help peopl...
BYRON DAVIS There are two things essential if you want to enhance your Jedi self-confidence:

1/ beli...
STEPHEN RICHARDS Humanity has been deprived of so many great dreams that continue to populate the grave yard and neve...
EDGAR MANGWENDE It is a lie.
ARTHUR MILLER I'd love to go out there and help those folks.
DANNY SIMMONS If a book is worth reading, it is worth buying.
JOHN RUSKIN You don't find interesting stuff because you don't search enough, ... every book has it's own lesson...
DEYTH BANGER If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
OSCAR WILDE You can't discount the desire of folks to help out in a crisis.
GUY WILLIAMS And George Carlin was a guy that the more he aged the younger he seemed.
KEVIN SMITH I dislike the word 'self-help.' Self-awareness, yes, but not self-help.
DEEPAK CHOPRA I have had moments where I've had mental-health issues and I've felt like yoga and meditatin...
MIKE WHITE Generosity is to help a deserving person without his request, and if you help him after his
req...
HAZRAT ALI IBN ABU-TALIB But where, you might ask, is this book that the BFG wrote? It’s right here. You’ve just finished...
ROALD DAHL Go, my book, and help destroy the world as it is.
RUSSELL BANKS God gave us crying so other folks could see when we needed help, and help us.
JOSHILYN JACKSON Helen makes a mental note to pick up a self help book the next time she was out. This was getting ri...
SOLANGE NICOLE This world is a joke, and I'm in it
OLIWAH GOUDEE The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freew...
BOB MOOREHEAD You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do......
GEORGE CARLIN Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.
GERMAINE DE STAëL The town of Biloxi is certainly deserving of a Reading Garden and some help. And we're glad we could...
BARBARA HASTINGS Ignore donkeys and other naysayers!
MARY BUCHAN If you’re trying to help make the soup, try to add something besides bitterness….jh
JIMBO HENDERSON You’re not alone, and you’re not the one in charge,” Mother said gently. “Ask for help when ...
KRISTIN HANNAH If you want to find something with an equation, you must start thinking like a person who have it.
DEYTH BANGER I listened to George Carlin when I was a kid and knew every word of his routines.
SEAN HAYES Every bride is beautiful. It’s like newborn babies or puppies. They can’t help it.
EMME ROLLINS If you help make a mess, you have to help clean it up.
JACK MCCONNELL Self-help and those stupid proverbs, they do nothing. Soul food? It’s like trying to cure starvati...
C. SEAN MCGEE George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular com...
DREW CAREY We ought to be inquisitive without feeling like rebellious children because greatness sprouts out of...
EDGAR MANGWENDE For the applause of the masses, those with caged minds find themselves compromising things that matt...
EDGAR MANGWENDE It’s odd to suddenly discover you’re happy right in the middle of a moment. Usually, you don’t...
WODKE HAWKINSON We do want to here from folks who need our help evacuating. That is what that transportation registr...
CHIP PATTERSON If you drop a book into the toilet, you can fish it out, dry it off and read that book. But if you d...
STEPHEN KING Self-help must precede help from others. Even for making certain of help from heaven, one has to hel...
MORAJI R. DESAI Self-help must precede help from others. Even for making certain of help from heaven, one has to h...
MORARJI DESAI Electronic communication has transmuted conversations into durable and accessible records. Revisioni...
KENT ALAN ROBINSON We just want to make sure it's safe. It just depends on how many folks we've got to help.
BOB BENNETT It also tends to empower folks, knowing that we can help out the police and keep our community safe.
CELESTE NULL If we open this facility, we can help people get off the street and help them to start to become sel...
PATRICK MURRAY Maybe it’s just in America, but it seems that if you’re passionate about something, it freaks pe...
TIM BURTON ..reading a book doesn’t mean just turning the pages. It means thinking about it, identifying part...
NOAM CHOMSKY Every book is worth reading. If it cannot make you wiser it will make you a critic
BANGAMBIKI HABYARIMANA It's not like reading in a school environment. Often these kids find reading a challenge, something ...
JANE SALMON The fire of literacy is created by the emotional sparks between a child, a book, and the person read...
MEM FOX No man can help another without helping himself.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON No, it’s because you’re fucking pathetic. You’re no better than a human and to top it off you�...
R.L. MATHEWSON Everything we collect after expenses will go to help these folks.
FRED YOUNG It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech an...
RON WHITE Self-help isn't really self-help unless someone else is also helping you. We'd like to be that someo...
KENNETH SCHWARZ Hermione ignored him and spoke to Harry. “I couldn’t help overhearing what you and Malfoy were s...
J.K. ROWLING Polygamy simply says, “You are not enough.
BENYF It’s not if you Tweet, Like, and Share. It’s if you’re Sweet, Polite, and Care.
OTHEN DONALD DALE CUMMINGS Calling a book 'young adult' is only important in that it can help get a book to the right r...
ELIOT SCHREFER HELP!”
I race to the square, crossing it, looking all around, listening out-
No.<...
PATRICK NESS No, it’s because you’re f**king pathetic. You’re no better than a human and to top it off you�...
R.L. MATHEWSON I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she t...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN It would help agriculture (if it were).
DAVID PIMENTEL The best self-help advice I ever received, was to help someone else.
DIETMAR PAHL George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It's taking somethin...
BILL COSBY If you ain’t scared… you ain’t human.
JAMES DASHNER See? Grumpy. And defensive. If you need help, ask me, you stubborn asshole.”
“Right, like y...
MAISEY YATES We can't change the way our brain responds to certain thoughts, memories, and situations with an emo...
JACQUI OLLIVER I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album.
STEPHEN COLBERT It’s a bit disappointing, but we can’t help really do anything,
JENSON BUTTON

More George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they...
GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long ...
GEORGE CARLIN