I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "break my arms."

I can't say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.