In actual life I am a grumpy old bag.

I am a rubbish flirt.

I'll always be a fat girl and I am happy with that.

I've chosen to stay in a jolly place for most of my life, and that is a lot of who I am.

I am not, I repeat, NOT a lesbian - even though I'd like to be one when I grow up.

I am crumbling in sync with old Hackney.