More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch wit...
JON STEWART President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much o...
JON STEWART I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that ...
JON STEWART If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
JON STEWART Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
JON STEWART If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
JON STEWART I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. Y...
JON STEWART I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.
JON STEWART Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.
JON STEWART McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
JON STEWART Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you kn...
JON STEWART The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart b...
JON STEWART Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
JON STEWART The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.
JON STEWART We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been loo...
JON STEWART I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.
JON STEWART You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to lo...
JON STEWART If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they...
JON STEWART It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what...
JON STEWART Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians ca...
JON STEWART The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.
JON STEWART If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, b...
JON STEWART I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in abo...
JON STEWART Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and...
JON STEWART Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'
JON STEWART Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand g...
JON STEWART We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the b...
JON STEWART For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't… you know, it's inter...
JON STEWART But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-b...
JON STEWART Yes! Finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunishe...
JON STEWART GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of th...
JON STEWART You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were sw...
JON STEWART Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana...
JON STEWART I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, th...
JON STEWART Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if...
JON STEWART I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house...
JON STEWART We've come from the same history - 2000 years of persecution - we've just expressed our sufferings d...
JON STEWART I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
JON STEWART If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack u...
JON STEWART There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people ...
JON STEWART Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle betwe...
JON STEWART I don't know why people think that somehow the First Amendment applies to network television. It doe...
JON STEWART We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.
JON STEWART I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually c...
JON STEWART I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. An...
JON STEWART There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating ...
JON STEWART The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determine...
JON STEWART Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
JON STEWART As a performer, I'm truly honored to be hosting the show. Although, as an avid watcher of the Oscars...
JON STEWART Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that la...
JON STEWART I always knew I shouldn't have said that.
JON STEWART Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fat...
JON STEWART I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually c...
JON STEWART That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps...
JON STEWART But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-b...
JON STEWART Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gatherin...
JON STEWART I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the...
JON STEWART I can't emphasize this enough.
JON STEWART I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and sa...
JON STEWART I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of ...
JON STEWART If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out.
JON STEWART Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the ...
JON STEWART Germany didn't want to got to war (in Iraq). I don't know how to say it any more simply than that.
JON STEWART When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your ...
JON STEWART We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been loo...
JON STEWART No. I'm not going to be your monkey.
JON STEWART Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the '90s as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the Internationa...
JON STEWART Ultimately, people would respond a lot better to being treated like adults ... if politics wasn't tr...
JON STEWART "Shnicks," we call it shnicks -- shnicks and giggles.
JON STEWART It has been eleven days, Stephen, eleven fucking days! Eleven! The presidency is supposed to age the...
JON STEWART The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction...
JON STEWART Wow. I can't wait till later when we see Oscar's salute to montages.
JON STEWART If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
JON STEWART Too Late
JON STEWART Getting between him and his fans -- I don?t think it?s the P. I think it?s the bodyguards,
JON STEWART [IN THE SIX-AND-A-HALF YEARS since he took over] The Daily Show, ... The Late Late Show.
JON STEWART How come they're the most excited people here tonight?
JON STEWART How come they are the most excited people here? That's how you pick up an Oscar.
JON STEWART That's how you accept an Oscar.
JON STEWART And so I appreciate that, and I thank you for it. And I hope that your colleagues let you still eat ...
JON STEWART Tremendous film. The acting. The cinematography.
JON STEWART I have some sad news to report, Bjork could not be here tonight -- she was trying on her Oscar dress...
JON STEWART The field of play has become seriously unleveled as a result of the current rules. Our member school...
JON STEWART The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blam...
JON STEWART I don't file reports anymore. I do movies,
JON STEWART but - and I don't want to be crass here - isn't a hurricane an act of God? Shouldn't we have a day o...
JON STEWART I don't know that much about women,
JON STEWART You're dealing with a show where the lead character is making the irritating and uncomfortable choic...
JON STEWART If I had to go out there and surf, that would be a problem. But you know, it's just comedy.
JON STEWART You're killing me here. Are you freaking out on us? Are you going into crazy-base world?
JON STEWART We had a real good December. Consumers didn't appear to be holding back at the pump.
JON STEWART Hollander said. ''He suggested maybe making four or five alternatives.
JON STEWART Brown was nominated to the post by President Bush in 2003, ... And (he) intends to start the job any...
JON STEWART McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
JON STEWART The way that he feels about Johnny Carson is the way that all of us, the comedians of our era, feel ...
JON STEWART Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legali...
JON STEWART Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of ...
JON STEWART The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart b...
JON STEWART And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's b...
JON STEWART Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have unde...
JON STEWART I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
JON STEWART I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have ...
JON STEWART I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.
JON STEWART Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to t...
JON STEWART You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show.
JON STEWART The top story, as always, is America remaining obsessed, fascinated -- appalled -- by what is now be...
JON STEWART Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.
JON STEWART Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not...
JON STEWART If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, bu...
JON STEWART Some are from the world of the arts, some from the fields of business, architecture, wine-making and...
JON STEWART And George Bush hates black --
JON STEWART If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
JON STEWART Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote i...
JON STEWART More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch wit...
JON STEWART I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
JON STEWART Don't worry, ... as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.
JON STEWART Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...yo...
JON STEWART Originally we were going to title it "The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off," but ...
JON STEWART Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. One difference, and I'll say this, the only diff...
JON STEWART Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pag...
JON STEWART I'm 38 and could very much bare my midriff, but it may make some people nauseous.
JON STEWART I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.
JON STEWART Don't cross Lorenzo Lamas. Ever.
JON STEWART The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to pe...
JON STEWART He's not stupid ... he's not a retarded man ... he just doesn't give a shit about you, or anything,
JON STEWART There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people ...
JON STEWART I feel your scorn and I accept it.
JON STEWART Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.I'm sorry, what was that last on...
JON STEWART The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be deter...
JON STEWART We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.
JON STEWART If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffa...
JON STEWART Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now.
JON STEWART As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.
JON STEWART I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
JON STEWART In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid o...
JON STEWART As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressiv...
JON STEWART Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.
JON STEWART The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride arou...
JON STEWART Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a...
JON STEWART If "con" is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fuckin...
JON STEWART I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Chene...
JON STEWART It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jerse...
JON STEWART You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is p...
JON STEWART Attacks on a politician's identity - questioning Romney's religion, say, or Obama's birt...
JON MEACHAM No family gets rich from earning the minimum wage. In fact, the current minimum wage does not even l...
JON CORZINE If you want something, you can't wait for someone to make it happen for you.
JON HUERTAS Ever since I read 'Kitchen Confidential,' I saw a little light bulb go off. Being a chef is ...
JON FAVREAU I've been fascinated by the world ever since I read 'Kitchen Confidential' by Anthony Bo...
JON FAVREAU 'Swagger' would be the word for 'Dirt On My Boots.' With the real funky drum loop an...
JON PARDI I was 22 and had worked on Wall Street for a year, and quit my job. I bought a motorcycle and sort o...
JON FAVREAU I'm not going chic, I swear. The geek endures. But, I mean, a snazzy cool suit looks good.
JON HEDER One of the things that makes our military the best in the world is the certain knowledge of each sol...
JON KYL I can be a traditionalist but also play with Luke Bryan and get the crowd to go crazy. I think that ...
JON PARDI With the perspective afforded by the passage of time, where does 9/11 rank as a turning point in our...
JON MEACHAM All of a sudden, I was a young kid in my early 20s, and I had a couple of Broadway shows to my credi...
JON TENNEY I saw rock n' roll future and its name is Bruce Springsteen.
JON LANDAU Movies like 'Chef' are not really box-office monsters in the summertime and don't really...
JON FAVREAU I toured around the country and met all these Broadway producers who put me in all these Neil Simon ...
JON TENNEY Environmental concern is a little like dieting or paying off credit-card debt - an episodically terr...
JON MEACHAM There's something real in women's intuition. It's an accurate signpost for decision maki...
JON VOIGHT When it comes to celebrities and tabloids, to me that is a bummer. That's a little disappointing...
JON FAVREAU Many students graduate from college and professional schools, including those of social work, nursin...
JON PORTER When Iron Man's flying, we'd send real planes up to do the choreography so that we'd get...
JON FAVREAU A lot of people, including business leaders, think the future belongs to China. Globalization is not...
JON MEACHAM People selling content internationally need to be highly focused on selling the right product to the...
JON FELTHEIMER As a member of Congress, and a parent, I understand the importance of ensuring that families are abl...
JON PORTER Owners who buy aggressive dogs for security may be kidding themselves: The chances that the victim o...
JON KATZ When the Beatles wrote 'Paperback Writer,' it couldn't have been the same old thing. You...
JON BATISTE I think that generally music should be a positive thing, I like Bob Marley's attitude: he said t...
JON FISHMAN I was born in March 1949, a post war baby boomer.
JON ENGLISH 'Just looking at pictures' used to be considered cheating. No longer. The graphic novel is b...
JON SCIESZKA 'The Royals' has emerged as a breakout series that has become one of E Network's highest...
JON FELTHEIMER A tiny little baby!' says Tam. 'People look at me like I'm an animal. People who don't know me judge...
JON RONSON I'd like to repeat the advice that I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radic...
JON KRAKAUER Happiness [is] only real when shared
JON KRAKAUER It's not always necessary to be strong, but to feel strong.
JON KRAKAUER You can lay down and die, or you can get up and fight, but that's it -- there's no turning back.
JON ENGLISH Yeah, that's the ticket.
JON LOVITZ I can't read lips unless they're touching mine.
JON TROAST James Taylor may be an all-American boy but he isn't Horatio Alger, and the lionizing of many ro...
JON LANDAU Words without deeds is an affront to the principle that guides our Nation and makes a mockery of the...
JON CORZINE Some people think we're adrift without any guidelines. I don't. I think we've had instru...
JON VOIGHT I would still rather be in Silicon Alley. I like the West Coast also, but it's sort of fragmente...
JON ORINGER I am a huge admirer of Franklin Roosevelt's, and I believe social security has done untold good ...
JON MEACHAM Among the many problems with taking the Bible literally is it reduces the most mysterious and comple...
JON MEACHAM Goats are the cable talk show panelists of the animal world, ready at a moment's notice to inter...
JON KATZ One wonders whether the Obama re-election campaign may be on the right track as it seeks to apply th...
JON MEACHAM 'Sing It Again Rod' touches all the solo bases since Stewart's departure from the Jeff B...
JON LANDAU I like hearing fiddles, steel guitar, acoustics up loud - really rock & roll stuff but with a co...
JON PARDI If a person is homosexual by nature - that is, if one's sexuality is as intrinsic a part of one&...
JON MEACHAM If I were in a situation where I had to meet a pack of wolves and my family is with me, I'm goin...
JON SEDA I like San Francisco, but I don't think I'd want to work in Palo Alto. It seems like a prett...
JON ORINGER When I went to Everest, I underestimated things. I just didn't know what altitude could do. Or t...
JON KRAKAUER With tens of thousands of patients dying every year from preventable medical errors, it is imperativ...
JON PORTER Some people say that their pets will tell them when it's time to go. I don't believe that. N...
JON KATZ A border collie named Orson inspired me to buy a 110-acre farm with four barns and a sheep. That led...
JON KATZ If you're going to love animals and have a life with them, the odds are you're going to lose...
JON KATZ Some rescue groups are highly organized, experienced, well-funded, nearly professional. Others are s...
JON KATZ It's easy to see why dog rescue is a mushrooming culture. Turning a troubled person's life a...
JON KATZ Lifetime dogs intersect with our lives with particular impact; they're dogs we love in especiall...
JON KATZ