It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he put down his fork and stared at me for a few moments. "A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection.


David Sedaris

  Email Quote to Friends   Link to Quote   Create Short URL  Publish Text About This Quote   Share on Facebook, Twitter, and more
  See Recommended Quotes For You

Related

My father was a very good Boy Scout. He was very skilled with knots, and he showed me how to tie a b...
BILL NYE
My mom was a single mother, raising my sister and me. My mom has an incredible talent for living in ...
GABY HOFFMANN
When I was in my late 30s, I lit a figure on fire on Baker Beach in San Francisco. It was me, a frie...
LARRY HARVEY
I happened to look up and there it was. All over and done with, at last. I sat on for a few moments ...
SAMUEL BECKETT
Orion smiled and leaned back against the wall, letting his gaze drift down in thought. Helen stared ...
JOSEPHINE ANGELINI
I was a 'Laurel and Hardy' nut. I got to know Laurel at the end of his life, and it was a gr...
DICK VAN DYKE
Set me a task in which I can put something of my very self, and it is a task no longer. It is joy an...
BLISS CARMAN
He handed me a record out of his backpack that he'd just made in San Francisco. We played that recor...
JOE ELY
Our phone bills were astronomical, and when I found the letters Frank wrote me the other day, the to...
AVA GARDNER
For millions, Roger Ebert will be remembered as a writer and television personality who brought a se...
JEFF GREENFIELD
Set me a task in which I can put something of my very self, and it is a task no longer; it is joy; i...
WILLIAM BLISS CARMAN
Set me a task in which I can put something of my very self, and it is a task no longer; it is joy; i...
BLISS CARMAN
Look at the time." I tipped my chin toward the clock. "It's past midnight. It's January second. You ...
JENNIFER L. ARMENTROUT
Sometimes it was hard to breathe, knowing how small my world could be. Maybe in San Francisco it wou...
HEATHER DEMETRIOS
My steamer trunk was packed to go, ... when my sister told me about a friend of hers in New York, a ...
JAMES WHITMORE
I asked her to look at me and after a few moments - (pause) - after a few moments she did, but the e...
SAMUEL BECKETT
I actually started when I was 12 years old, that's when my home state of Alabama made it legal to hu...
BYRON FERGUSON
My friend asked me if it had been cathartic, to write my memoir. I looked down at the sculptures—i...
NICK FLYNN
It's weird, when I go back to San Francisco, the few times that I've done shows there since ...
KASKADE
It's nice to have my mother as someone I can talk to about acting. My dad's a director, so w...
ZOEY DEUTCH
How can you say it was all a lie?” I ask, just above a whisper. “Matt was my best friend. I love...
SARAH OCKLER
I did it just because my friend asked me to, ... There was a real lack of black male role-model-type...
ORSON SCOTT CARD
My husband is actually the nicest guy in the world. He's my sweetheart and best friend, and one ...
GENA SHOWALTER
Isn't that the guy you asked me to throw soda on?"
Colton's head jerked up. He stared first at ...
JANETTE RALLISON
What do I look for in a friend?
You!
ANTHONY T.HINCKS
Christina gave me a new look, and it's been working for me. She's the one who transformed me. She's ...
JAMIE BROBACK
You're dressed in a tuxedo, you wear a bow tie. A bow tie with a tuxedo is more formal than a st...
BILL NYE
He hath bent his bow, and set me as a mark for the arrow.
BIBLE
Who told you I was called Carl David?" "A little bird, Monsieur." "Does it fly from me to you? Then ...
CHARLOTTE BRONTë
[Being cast in the movie] sort of happened by accident, ... I wasn't looking to be an actress ... it...
KATE NAUTA
So that's troublin' you? I reckon it needn't. You see it was this way. I come round the house an' se...
ZANE GREY
No other city in the U.S. can divest the visitor of so much money with so little enthusiasm. In Dall...
FLETCHER KNEBEL
I love you.”

I stared stupidly at him. Was he joking again, reciting another line from ...
JENNIFER ECHOLS
Look down at me and you see a fool; look up at me and you see a god; look straight at me and you see...
CHARLES MANSON
I asked God for a flower he gave me a garden. I asked for a tree he gave me a forest. I asked for a ...
OMAR ASHRAF EZZELDIN
My website inspired me to create my book club and provides me with a creative outlet where I can wri...
LAUREN CONRAD
You see 6,000 times more tech companies in San Francisco than you see in Seattle. All the money is i...
ROBERT SCOBLE
When I was a sophomore in college, my father called me at the fraternity. He told me he no longer ha...
TERRY J. LUNDGREN
Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave th...
ANAïS NIN
GodWhen I was alone, and had nothingI asked for a friend to help me bear the painNo one came, except...
TUPAC SHAKUR
I was born and raise din San Francisco, which explains my willingness to stay in a city that's histo...
SEANAN MCGUIRE
When my daughter was about seven years old, she asked me one day what I did at work. I told her I wo...
HOWARD IKEMOTO
A friend - I was living with Matt Damon at the time - went in to audition for To Die For. When he me...
CASEY AFFLECK
Mama, Mama, help me get home
I'm out in the woods, I am out on my own.
I found me a werewo...
LAUREN OLIVER
Look down at me and you see a fool;
look up at me and you see a god;
look straight at me a...
CHARLES MANSON
The vampire stared at me, his mouth slack as Ghastek assessed his options. I took a couple of forms ...
ILONA ANDREWS
Now therefore, as the LORD liveth, which hath established me, and set me on the throne of David my f...
BIBLE
Oh." He sat in confused silence for a few seconds. "Can I ask you a very serious question?"
"I ...
KATIE ALENDER
Okay." I bounced down the stairs. "I'm decent."
He was waiting at the foot of the stairs, close...
STEPHENIE MEYER
Born at Letterman Army Hospital. I never actually lived in San Francisco. It's not my home town, but...
MARC CURTIS
You just want me to hold you until you fall asleep?"
I didn't answer.
He shifted to look s...
JAMIE MCGUIRE
David Lynch is my friend, and I love his movies and his art and his music. Few things make me happie...
MOBY
I started out as a writer. Poetry and prose and also kind of satirical David Sedaris-esque stuff.
PAULEY PERRETTE
A little dark chocolate in small amounts often helps lift me out of those blue moments. When I walk ...
DEAN ORNISH
[Vaughn] cried the whole time. [Handy] cried a little bit, but showed no emotion on his face. I aske...
CORY MILLS
I was carrying my friend in his casket to put him in the hearse, and I was thinking, 'I need to ...
CHARLIE PUTH
It was great to finally get it, because I heard most of the guys already got it who were on other te...
ANDRE ROY
It was expected of me that I was to bow to the name of Andrew Jackson... even at the expense of my c...
DAVY CROCKETT
You'll be a good parent when you're ready to no longer be selfish. Until I was about 35, it ...
LAUREN HOLLY
Would you like me to [kill you] now?" asked Snape, his voice heavy with irony. "Or would you like a ...
J.K. ROWLING
My family never took me to church except a couple of times. But when I was 12, I hung out with this ...
BRIAN WELCH
My father, obviously, and my mother were inspirations. My uncle, Frank Harper, he was an absolute me...
HILL HARPER
It seems that it had been destined before that I should occupy myself so thoroughly with the vulture...
LEONARDO DA VINCI
I knew Sinatra for 38 years. He was like my father. Frank Sinatra was my 'dad.' He treated m...
TRINI LOPEZ
We talked for two to five minutes. He asked me where I was coming from. I told him 'I'm lost right n...
JOE WHITE
When Stephen talked about stalking chamois his whole expression changed. The features became more aq...
DAPHNE DU MAURIER
When Dan called and asked me to prepare a eulogy for Maggie, I said yes, because there is nothing in...
SUMI MCCABE
To me, doing a gay pride show is one of the most fun things. My first show that paid more than $10,0...
QUEEN LATIFAH
I was a very sickly boy when I was young; nearly died when I was 7. I had a life-threatening attack ...
JOHN LYDON
He was my entire world. He still is. My best friend, lover, partner in crime and my other soul. But ...
DOMINIC RICCITELLO
My Aunt Helen was my favorite person in the whole world. She was my mom’s sister. She got straight...
STEPHEN CHBOSKY
...It also taught me that while cruelty can be fun for a few moments, compassion has a much longer s...
DOREEN ORION
For the first few months, I was a comically inept parent. The first night home from the hospital, I ...
NICK FLYNN
You can blame my mom for some of my worst fashion moments. She used to dress me and my sister in a l...
HAILEY BALDWIN
I stopped believing in santa clause when at age six my mother took me to a department store to see h...
SHIRLEY TEMPLE
When I was learning to creep, my mother set me down on the beach to see what I thought of it. I craw...
SYLVIA PLATH
It is painful for me because I would love to sit down and talk to my dad about the way he used to be...
LAILA ALI
I suppose my Iranian identity is one of the driving forces for being a writer: I want to set the rec...
SAID SAYRAFIEZADEH
Plenty of patrons had asked me strange things, but this was the first who asked me where my car was ...
SCOTT DOUGLAS
Being a guy who was on the bubble all the time and being a guy who could get fired at any moment is ...
BRANDON MOORE
The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to ...
HENRY DAVID THOREAU
He's a legend and I respect his work, so I went down and paid my respects when Charlton was on t...
MARK WAHLBERG
San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the people boo louder or lon...
GEORGE HALAS
At the time I was writing 'Weedflower,' my friend Naomi Hirahara was writing a book about Ja...
CYNTHIA KADOHATA
He immediately bought the idea and that was when he asked me to look for a suitable ox.
MOHAMAD YUSOF
For me, my life is a journey.
JAY ELECTRONICA
When my son was really little, he assumed everyone was on TV because his uncle is on TV, my best fri...
VIRGINIA MADSEN
When I sold my first book, 'A Conspiracy of Tall Men,' it was part of a two-book deal. It wa...
NOAH HAWLEY
38. “A wet bird never flies at night.” (My grandfather said that to me when I was a child and wa...
JAMES C. DOBSON
He leaned his head to me, his neck so close to my lips, I felt the heat coming off his skin. His bre...
ILONA ANDREWS
I find it's nice when I can be a listener and absorb things coming at me. It's important, es...
PHILLIPA SOO
Where are you going?” Wesley asked in a semi-sleepy voice.
“Home.” I pulled on my jeans. ...
KODY KEPLINGER
Now I can finally start gripping my stick a little less tight and start playing my game hopefully. I...
BRANDON BOCHENSKI
When my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer in 1991, I asked him if he had any regrets, and he...
MICHELLE PAVER
Amanda, you finally decided to answer the phone,” her mom exclaimed after picking up at the first ...
REBECCA MCNUTT
I learned there were lots of realities in the world.
HARUKI MURAKAMI
What happened to me? I asked myself.
Morris's high, smoky voice took me back to my university ...
MITCH ALBOM
Look, people have an image of Italians. When I go somewhere in the world, I don't care where it ...
DANNY AIELLO
Harvey Milk was a friend of mine, an important gay leader in San Francisco in the '70s, and he c...
GILBERT BAKER
A bout of nerves crept up my spine and I tilted my head at him, hoping I was imagining the heat spre...
MELISSA SIMMONS

More David Sedaris

If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve.
DAVID SEDARIS
I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.
DAVID SEDARIS
I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people sa...
DAVID SEDARIS
If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.
DAVID SEDARIS
Einstein wrote that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result....
DAVID SEDARIS
Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at."
DAVID SEDARIS
We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of phys...
DAVID SEDARIS
Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.
DAVID SEDARIS
Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
DAVID SEDARIS
Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading th...
DAVID SEDARIS
Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, th...
DAVID SEDARIS
I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's...
DAVID SEDARIS
The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing ...
DAVID SEDARIS
The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insis...
DAVID SEDARIS
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New Yor...
DAVID SEDARIS
People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than ...
DAVID SEDARIS
Mr. Mancini had a singular talent for making me uncomfortable. He forced me to consider things I’d...
DAVID SEDARIS
Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes...
DAVID SEDARIS
For as long as I can remember, my father saved. He saves money, he saves disfigured sticks that rese...
DAVID SEDARIS
I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.
DAVID SEDARIS
but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.
DAVID SEDARIS
Potential boyfriends could not smoke Merit cigarettes, own or wear a pair of cowboy boots, or eat an...
DAVID SEDARIS
It's a common mistake for vacationing Americans to assume that everyone around them is French and th...
DAVID SEDARIS
I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an ...
DAVID SEDARIS
If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt? I accepte...
DAVID SEDARIS
What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyo...
DAVID SEDARIS
In order to get the things I want, it helps me to pretend I’m a figure in a daytime drama, a schem...
DAVID SEDARIS
Amy adored both the new look and the new person it allowed her to be. Following the photo shoot, she...
DAVID SEDARIS
The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.
DAVID SEDARIS
The italian nanny was attempting to answer the teachers latest question when the moroccan student in...
DAVID SEDARIS
I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an ...
DAVID SEDARIS
At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loade...
DAVID SEDARIS
On my fifth trip to France I limited myself to the words and phrases that people actually use. From ...
DAVID SEDARIS
When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that,...
DAVID SEDARIS
I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I coul...
DAVID SEDARIS
Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an und...
DAVID SEDARIS
Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might ca...
DAVID SEDARIS
When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.
DAVID SEDARIS
If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
DAVID SEDARIS
People in trailers were canned and labeled much like the apple juice down at the plant, stamped with...
DAVID SEDARIS
There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.
DAVID SEDARIS
I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwi...
DAVID SEDARIS
The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections o...
DAVID SEDARIS
The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-y...
DAVID SEDARIS
My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard o...
DAVID SEDARIS
Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.
DAVID SEDARIS
I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter...
DAVID SEDARIS
It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will...
DAVID SEDARIS
After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where...
DAVID SEDARIS
To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news.
DAVID SEDARIS
Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to ...
DAVID SEDARIS
I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a ...
DAVID SEDARIS
What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.
DAVID SEDARIS
People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive i...
DAVID SEDARIS
No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try.
DAVID SEDARIS
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people a...
DAVID SEDARIS
After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I d...
DAVID SEDARIS
For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but...
DAVID SEDARIS
At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would ...
DAVID SEDARIS
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but I still keep a long list of prospective candi...
DAVID SEDARIS
As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners.
DAVID SEDARIS
People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that t...
DAVID SEDARIS
I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it...
DAVID SEDARIS
But most good movies have a gun in them.
DAVID SEDARIS
They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too genero...
DAVID SEDARIS
I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorist...
DAVID SEDARIS
But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.
DAVID SEDARIS
Maybe I'll learn a trade. I've considered taxidermy. I always thought it was a shame you couldn't do...
DAVID SEDARIS
I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospecti...
DAVID SEDARIS
I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodr...
DAVID SEDARIS
I've become like one of those people I hate, the sort who go to the museum and, instead of looking a...
DAVID SEDARIS
If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you...
DAVID SEDARIS
There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus “Leave me the fuck alone” comes o...
DAVID SEDARIS
A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more ...
DAVID SEDARIS
Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering ...
DAVID SEDARIS
You're the man now,' she said to me after my father died, 'you're the man.' Then she turned to Popey...
DAVID SEDARIS
On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot...
DAVID SEDARIS
It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.
DAVID SEDARIS
States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don't want to get married, it tends t...
DAVID SEDARIS
I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed.
DAVID SEDARIS
When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers o...
DAVID SEDARIS
It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of...
DAVID SEDARIS
Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th...
DAVID SEDARIS
Seven beers followed by two Scotches and a thimble of marijuana and it's funny how sleep comes all o...
DAVID SEDARIS
I'm just a big liar.
DAVID SEDARIS
On Undecided Voter​s: "To put them in perspective, I think​ of being​ on an airplane.​ The f...
DAVID SEDARIS
I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter o...
DAVID SEDARIS
In Paris the cashiers sit rather than stand. They run your goods over a scanner, tally up the price,...
DAVID SEDARIS
Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt...
DAVID SEDARIS
I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people...
DAVID SEDARIS
He took a sip of my father’s weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit’s like making...
DAVID SEDARIS
Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar wit...
DAVID SEDARIS
Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in m...
DAVID SEDARIS
Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Drac...
DAVID SEDARIS
Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and...
DAVID SEDARIS
Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th...
DAVID SEDARIS
Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—...
DAVID SEDARIS
I asked her, dreamily, if we had met, and when she told me that we had not, I gave her a little fing...
DAVID SEDARIS
Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage.
DAVID SEDARIS
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candi...
DAVID SEDARIS
If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
DAVID SEDARIS
… [I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve...
DAVID SEDARIS
One thing about English-language bookstores in the age of Amazon is that it assumes that everybody h...
DAVID SEDARIS
When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.
DAVID SEDARIS
Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires. Hot as shi...
DAVID SEDARIS
the lower bunks, both of us longing to be pinned. “You kids think you invented sex,” my mother w...
DAVID SEDARIS
Someone in our family had taken to wiping his or her ass on the bath towels. What made this exceptio...
DAVID SEDARIS
The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American wom...
DAVID SEDARIS
The thing to remeber is that more than anything in this world, these colored people wish they were w...
DAVID SEDARIS
the beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentle...
DAVID SEDARIS
The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing some...
DAVID SEDARIS
You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholi...
DAVID SEDARIS
What are you, tap dancing up there? You want a put on a show, do you? Well, the theater's closed for...
DAVID SEDARIS
You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, j...
DAVID SEDARIS
My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for _who_ I am. Concentrate too hard...
DAVID SEDARIS
They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of...
DAVID SEDARIS
Motherfucker, you haven't got the fucking balls God gave a goddamned church mouse. You crawled out o...
DAVID SEDARIS
Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertai...
DAVID SEDARIS
He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!
DAVID SEDARIS
Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where ...
DAVID SEDARIS
We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy han...
DAVID SEDARIS
If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit...
DAVID SEDARIS
Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you some...
DAVID SEDARIS
I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching t...
DAVID SEDARIS
As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
DAVID SEDARIS
The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.
DAVID SEDARIS
I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down m...
DAVID SEDARIS
I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.
DAVID SEDARIS
What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was...
DAVID SEDARIS
I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.
DAVID SEDARIS
College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for...
DAVID SEDARIS
between the disfigurement and the muzzle, it's nearly impossible to catch what she's saying. Always,...
DAVID SEDARIS
Shit is the tofu of cursing.
DAVID SEDARIS
I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective c...
DAVID SEDARIS
Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that t...
DAVID SEDARIS
When her muzzle grew more white than brown, the chipmunk forgot that she and the squirrel had had no...
DAVID SEDARIS
If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven...
DAVID SEDARIS
The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as lo...
DAVID SEDARIS
Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.
DAVID SEDARIS
That man tried to picka my frienda’s pocketoni!
DAVID SEDARIS
They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should...
DAVID SEDARIS
All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is sa...
DAVID SEDARIS
He's as nutty as a vegan T-bone.
DAVID SEDARIS
A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneas...
DAVID SEDARIS
I hate computers. My hatred is entrenched, and I nourish it daily. I’m comfortable with it, and no...
DAVID SEDARIS
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
DAVID SEDARIS
Each one of us is left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the...
DAVID SEDARIS
Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in th...
DAVID SEDARIS
whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn ...
DAVID SEDARIS
If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?
DAVID SEDARIS
I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, "I need a letter o...
DAVID SEDARIS
I like the trail that the Internet created. For example, I was watching one of those Douglas Sirk mo...
DAVID SEDARIS
I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.
DAVID SEDARIS
I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine.
DAVID SEDARIS
My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six mon...
DAVID SEDARIS
Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it.
DAVID SEDARIS
I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you.
DAVID SEDARIS
But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either.
DAVID SEDARIS
The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority....
DAVID SEDARIS
The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I ...
DAVID SEDARIS
Cover your glass in France or Germany --even worse, in England - and in the voice of someone who has...
DAVID SEDARIS
Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn't live through, I chose to weed out the little inconvenienc...
DAVID SEDARIS
Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his ...
AMY SEDARIS
Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were ...
AMY SEDARIS
I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my...
AMY SEDARIS
My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.
AMY SEDARIS
I never really take shortcuts. I was always one of those people who, instead of cutting across someo...
AMY SEDARIS
You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use y...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm very domestic; I love cleaning. I love cooking. I like waiting on people. I just like to mak...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm not a good storyteller. I always think I'm going to get interrupted, or something's ...
AMY SEDARIS
People who shop in health food stores never look healthy.
AMY SEDARIS
I wouldn't call myself a shut-in. I have the ability to leave my home; I just choose not to. But...
AMY SEDARIS
I think it's still kind of weird to memorize a line, because you're supposed to 'be'...
AMY SEDARIS
More men than women like 'Strangers With Candy'. Pretty girls don't like the show. They ...
AMY SEDARIS
I like crafts that are made out of necessity because they're a little naive - you made it becaus...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color.
AMY SEDARIS
If I put my mind to something, it happens. I do know that's not necessarily psychic. But I alway...
AMY SEDARIS
You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character acto...
AMY SEDARIS
Sometimes, to keep things exciting, I decorate my house as if I owned a child. I'll toss a tiny ...
AMY SEDARIS
But I always like to play ugly people who think they're pretty.
AMY SEDARIS
My father and I have a very good relationship. We always got along. But I always scold him.
AMY SEDARIS
When people tell me they are going to go scrapbooking, I say, 'Why don't you make it yoursel...
AMY SEDARIS
Books are challenging and inspirational to me.
AMY SEDARIS
I love costumes. My dream growing up was always to have my own costume and prop shop.
AMY SEDARIS
I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, includ...
AMY SEDARIS
I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd ge...
AMY SEDARIS
I like to decide the night before Thanksgiving that I'm gonna do it, and I'll see what riff ...
AMY SEDARIS
We're all used to seeing pretty people. I want to see real people.
AMY SEDARIS
My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea m...
AMY SEDARIS
I have always wanted a bunny and I'll always have a rabbit the rest of my life.
AMY SEDARIS
My characters always like themselves.
AMY SEDARIS
It's all about process to me - as long as it's fun to me, I don't care about the final product.
AMY SEDARIS
It was more of their quirky show. It was more like a cult show. The ratings weren't really that high...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm satisfied just thinking of the idea.
AMY SEDARIS
I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.
AMY SEDARIS
I'm not a first-place person.
AMY SEDARIS
You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors w...
AMY SEDARIS
I always got along with all types of people - popular people as well as drug addicts.
AMY SEDARIS
It's driving me crazy! It's awful. I saw four last night during the Academy Awards. Four little baby...
AMY SEDARIS
I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.
AMY SEDARIS