It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.