Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?