Henny Youngman quote: "Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop. -Henny Youngman.
HENNY YOUNGMAN When I was 2, my mother took me on a trip to Monticello, Virginia, ... I can't remember the trip, bu...
BARBARA FRYE My father just got back from a trip to Canada and gas was $6 a gallon there. And I have relatives in...
DORIS JONES He took away a mother from those kids. But I've got God on my side.
CAROLYN GRAY My one guilty pleasure is, every airport, I will drop everything to get an airport massage at those ...
TYLER OAKLEY And my brother-in-law took this great video I just had to share with the world.
LAURA ANDERSON

When I was seven months pregnant with my son, my mother and I took a trip to El Salvador, where she&...
CHRISTY TURLINGTON I got a call from my sister-in-law and she says, 'My mom has your class ring. My jaw dropped. I just...
JOAN HORNER The best compliment that has ever been given to me was, I was at the airport one day and a guy came ...
LIONEL RICHIE

Paper napkins never return from a laundry - nor love from a trip to the law courts
JOHN BARRYMORE I took my daughter to school, had breakfast with my dad and when I got to the farm a reporter called...
JAY YOUNG I got a lot of empathy from my mother growing up, and I think it prevented me from ever really just ...
MATT MCGORRY I was prepared to go to Norfolk when the phone call came. It changed my day. I just got on a differe...
CRAIG ANDERSON He who does not want to ruin own married life should disconnect, from the very first day of their we...
ANUJ SOMANY The more a mother intrudes with her advice into her married daughter’s house, the more she spoils ...
ANUJ SOMANY

Being a novelist and being a mother have exactly coincided in my life: the call from my agent saying...
BARBARA KINGSOLVER But I think one of them took my sunglasses, because I didn't have them when I came home from that tr...
DAVE BAKSH

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: ...
LES DAWSON Someday I will get married, and I should be able to watch my films with my children, mother-in-law, ...
KEERTHY SURESH

My mother turned me onto St. Jude back in the days when I was wild and crazy. She took me to the shr...
AARON NEVILLE

I believe in miracles. At the age of 13, I was on holiday in Moscow with my mother. It was the only ...
OLGA KURYLENKO The scientific method gives us information by testing and repeating observable things so that we can...
LEWIS N. ROE In 2005, I had one more year of college left, and I was taking a summer class in Barbados. I got dis...
GARRETT NEFF Back of every achievement is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
BROOKS HAYS My father was a golden boy from a very small town. He won a very prestigious law scholarship to NYU ...
BLAKE BAILEY

It was my mother who got me involved in gymnastics, sending me to classes when I was six just to sto...
NADIA COMANECI When I took my trip out there, the coaching staff was great, the players were great. I really loved ...
TODD LOWENTHAL He got that from my mother,
JAMES GANDOLFINI He got that from my mother.
LETA GANDOLFINI

I first got into food with my mother, just Southern cooking, really bad for you food (just delicious...
TED ALLEN

I never met a person as determined as my mother. From working hard for six kids to just trying to ke...
SUGAR RAY LEONARD This issue is not about an individual. This is about the law. Is this person in a class of people th...
DEB KOTTEL

I know,' I said, thinking about the trip my mother had wanted me to take, and the trip we'd ended up...
MORGAN MATSON

You're full of contradictions, Ms. Wallace."
I looked up at him and arched a brow. "I'm a girl...
TAMMARA WEBBER

My mother-in-law's from Norway, and she's always liked old-school remedies.
LINDSEY VONN

The most important reason for going from one place to another is to see what's in between, and they ...
NORTON JUSTER Growing up, I had really bad skin. I had a skin disorder. Yes, I did. And my mother went to great le...
LUPITA NYONG'O

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with ...
LENNY BRUCE

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he salute...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another si...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
HENNY YOUNGMAN

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He g...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
HENNY YOUNGMAN

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o clock.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!
HENNY YOUNGMAN

Ladies and gentlemen thank you for flying xyz airlines, we hope you enjoyed your flight as much as w...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little a...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -- they have no holidays.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

If your going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for in the morning, sleep late.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a litt...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one t...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep lat...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
HENNY YOUNGMAN

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4 today.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow, sleep late.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
HENNY YOUNGMAN

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What ...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet fi...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
HENNY YOUNGMAN

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says ...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says ...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
HENNY YOUNGMAN

Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!
HENNY YOUNGMAN

Ştii ce înseamnă să vii acasă seara la o femeie care să îţi ofere dragoste, afecţiune şi u...
HENNY YOUNGMAN

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

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Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Henny Youngman

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