My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'