Douglas Carter Beane
Related KONRAD LORENZ I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes. BILL ENGVALL MITT ROMNEY I've always been 'ethnic friend,' without any serious moments, all jokes. AL MADRIGAL JAMES MCAVOY GREG BEHRENDT A lot of female comedians will go up there in a sweatshirt and Converses, trying to dress themselves... CARLY CRAIG DAVID MITCHELL Are you taking us to the beach?" - Dan Cahill JUDE WATSON Let's head out to the ruins." - Dan Cahill ROLAND SMITH DOLLY PARTON WILL ROGERS NATHAN FIELDER STEVEN WRIGHT I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ... KELLY JONES JIMMY FALLON It looks ancient," - Amy Cahill JUDE WATSON Don't cry about money, it never cries for you. KEVIN O'LEARY Don't cry about money, it never cries for you. KEVIN O'LEARY OLIVIA COLMAN I don't want to be with someone boring because I'm always laughing. I like to play jokes on ... ASHLEY BENSON BILL NIGHY STEVEN WRIGHT MARY LAMBERT JENSEN ACKLES RITA RUDNER CARRIE-ANNE MOSS Some comics don't like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying... GABRIEL IGLESIAS GEORGE TAKEI NICK KROLL It SMELLS ancient," - Dan Cahill JUDE WATSON Palm trees were fanned by a warm, light breeze, and they rolled down their windows to smell the sea. JUDE WATSON There were two things I used to do to seduce girls: jokes and music. Since I'm not a great piani... GAD ELMALEH OLIVIA COLMAN CHRIS ROCK I can tell you that you will have your hearts broken more by the people you love than by the people ... MARGARET PETERSON HADDIX MR. T DAN HICKS HANNIBAL BURESS DREW FULLER RITA RUDNER MARILYN MONROE I'm not too keen on jokes that are one-liners. I want the situation to be funny. PHILIPPE FALARDEAU I like jokes, but Ray and I, we never did jokes. We weren't in that line of humor. We each contr... BOB ELLIOTT MIKE BIRBIGLIA JEFF DUNHAM I suppose the common idea of me is that I'm going to be someone who's hyper and cracking jok... ALEXEI SAYLE TOM LEHRER DANIEL TOSH ABBY WAMBACH I've definitely become smuttier. When I first started out, I had these aspirations: 'I'm... JACK WHITEHALL It's a warm wind, the west wind, full of birds' cries. JOHN MASEFIELD I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I&... J. B. SMOOVE I do Twitter, but I'm still not great on it - I'm not good at writing short little jokes, so... CECILY STRONG I definitely am a performer, and there are different styles of stand-up; I mean, some people are wri... CHRIS D'ELIA I'm just not the outgoing bubble of energy. But if I know you, it's different. Practical jok... ERIC DICKERSON While 'The Middle' is still funny for adults to watch, there aren't sex jokes. And I'... NEIL FLYNN I don't intentionally go: 'Ooh, what is provocative,' and try to do that. I just do stuf... M.I.A. I'm just writing about people. People are dark and complicated. I'm trying to tell the truth... DAVID LINDSAY-ABAIRE BRITTANY HOWARD ASAP ROCKY I listen to some Hank Williams before I go out. I tell some jokes. I have fun. I don't waste too... DEAN AMBROSE VIN SCULLY In Bengal, Hindus are known to crack jokes at the expense of their gods and goddesses and that's... SUNIL GANGOPADHYAY I just saw 'Tiny Furniture' and became so obsessed with it that Judd Apatow jokes that I'... JENNIFER KONNER RUSSELL SIMMONS DOLLY PARTON I'm a bug on acting, which distinguishes Second City from a lot of other revues. It comes from t... BERNARD SAHLINS I guess I'm like Roger Miller who used to say that he didn't have as many jokes as he though... GLEN CAMPBELL I'm more of a homebody. I'm constantly asked: 'Why don't we see you out?' But th... KRISTEN BELL I'm not one of those kind of people who does the observational 'Hey, don't you hate it w... JUDAH FRIEDLANDER CONOR MCGREGOR I'm kind of a nerd. A square. And I'm terrible at telling jokes. I always forget the punch l... JEFF MACNELLY When you have a couple hundred people in one huge space, that's gonna lead to jokes and it's... ERIN DUFFY I'm a plethora of stolen jokes and kitschy references. NATHAN FILLION I've never really told jokes. I'm not good at it. DAVID E. KELLEY CAROL BURNETT ELON MUSK PAUL PRUDHOMME Everyone's been through hell to get where they are, and I'm not gonna let anybody talk down ... ROMAN REIGNS ETTA JAMES I have, like, two and a half years of failed jokes that I know I wouldn't repeat, but I certainl... TARAN KILLAM HELENA CHRISTENSEN VICTORIA BECKHAM I don't think I could ever do a network sitcom because the humor is often based on some trite ci... SHERILYN FENN BERNHARD LANGER HARLAND WILLIAMS PAULA DEEN When I'm in the city, I like to go to different events and get introduced to different people. T... CARL HAGELIN VANESSA HUDGENS BILLY CONNOLLY I just don't see myself as retiring. As long as I'm healthy and can play the drums, that'... BILL KREUTZMANN KATHY GRIFFIN ABIGAIL ADAMS I don't say that I'm going to be like every other comic that's blue, or gratuitous use o... GALLAGHER STEVEN WRIGHT Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.' BILL ENGVALL B. B. KING MICHAEL GRANT DYLAN MCDERMOTT
More Douglas Carter Beane
DOUGLAS CARTER BEANE DOUGLAS CARTER BEANE DOUGLAS CARTER BEANE DOUGLAS CARTER BEANE DOUGLAS CARTER BEANE DOUGLAS CARTER BEANE DOUGLAS CARTER BEANE DOUGLAS CARTER BEANE DOUGLAS CARTER BEANE DOUGLAS CARTER BEANE DOUGLAS CARTER BEANE DOUGLAS CARTER BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE BILLY BEANE JIMMY CARTER GRAYDON CARTER JIMMY CARTER I just think people should be able to express themselves. VINCE CARTER I play some fighting games, but mostly I just play sports. VINCE CARTER I think people are going to like my new shoes. I like them. I had a lot of success with the one last... VINCE CARTER My first dunk was actually in sixth grade. VINCE CARTER I don't care how I got here. In the books, when you look at it 10 or 20 years from now, it's... VINCE CARTER I don't want or need to gain respect with what I do off the court. I want respect for what I do ... VINCE CARTER There's not a thing that any of you guys can say bad about me that would hurt my feelings... I&#... VINCE CARTER Everybody is different. Everybody has different styles. Just do it the best way you know how. VINCE CARTER If you are feeling good, you look good, you are confident about yourself, you are going to go out th... MICHELLE CARTER JIMMY CARTER One thing I noticed working in the Bronx is that leaders come in the craziest places. They don't... MAJORA CARTER Many people still believe that 'green' solutions are too expensive, but they are actually mu... MAJORA CARTER I am a local economic revitalization strategist. But I am also a TV/radio host, and a small business... MAJORA CARTER Sustainable South Bronx advocates for environmental justice through sustainable environmental and ec... MAJORA CARTER To me, charity often is just about giving, because you're supposed to, or because it's what ... MAJORA CARTER What's popular in places considered ghettos - whether that's the inner city or Appalachia - ... MAJORA CARTER You know, people understand fear and opportunity. It may look different, but it's really the sam... MAJORA CARTER My real dream is that everybody will see their self-interest tied up with someone else, whether or n... MAJORA CARTER We've got to decide that we want to live in a world that is sane and happy and healthy, and that... MAJORA CARTER I'm an old rock and roll buff. I love Bruce Springsteen and Tom Petty. NICK CARTER I'm taking my time trying to transition because the Aaron Carter you saw back then now [I'm] a comp... AARON CARTER Aaron's Party (Come and Get It) AARON CARTER It's a love story, ... I [get this girl to tutor me] and end up falling in love with her. AARON CARTER I'm taking my time trying to transition because the Aaron Carter you saw back then ââ‚... AARON CARTER When I was 6 years old, I was in a rock band that was horrible called "Dead End." The name kind of d... AARON CARTER My favorite thing about being famous... it's not really as big of a deal as everybody says it is. Be... AARON CARTER Animals play a big part in my life, on tour or at home. AARON CARTER I write about my feelings, things that happen in my life and experiences. AARON CARTER I have my own studio down in Miami. AARON CARTER I feel betrayed by own mother. AARON CARTER I take Epsom salt baths. AARON CARTER When it comes to relationships, I think I'm pretty experienced - you'd be surprised. AARON CARTER Music is something that always lifts my spirits and makes me happy, and when I make music I always h... AARON CARTER I appreciate what I have a lot more than I did when I was younger. AARON CARTER People have their own opinions but sometimes with the media things get chopped up and cut around to ... AARON CARTER I would forgive my mom, but she's going to have to admit she did some things that were wrong. AARON CARTER There's not a day that I don't work on vocals, have vocal coaches, go to acting classes, rea... AARON CARTER I was singing in a mall, and I picked a girl to come up onstage with me. As I was grabbing her hand,... AARON CARTER I'm always studying my craft because I want to be the best at what I do. AARON CARTER Animals keep you company when you're really lonely. It helps because when you have a friend arou... AARON CARTER I've had my run in with trouble. Fortunately, you know, one slap on the hand is usually the last... AARON CARTER My favorite thing about being famous... it's not really as big of a deal as everybody says it is... AARON CARTER When I was 6 years old, I was in a rock band that was horrible called 'Dead End.' The name k... AARON CARTER My career is my girlfriend. AARON CARTER Having a dream, living that dream, losing that dream, dreaming again and then having that dream come... AARON CARTER The main thing in life is not to be afraid of being human. AARON CARTER Love shouldn't be about jealousy or anything like that. It should be about commitment and being ... AARON CARTER I want to be a real artist to consumers. I want to be the real thing for them. AARON CARTER I wouldn't have it any other way. They play in a small gym. I don't want to go to a boring place. I ... AL CARTER Union County is a physical team. They put a lot of pressure on our guards. They're a scary team. The... AL CARTER Danny had a good fourth quarter. He finished some fast-break points on the other end. He was out in ... AL CARTER They shot like that in (the holiday tournament). I hope they keep shooting like that from the free-t... AL CARTER Everybody was there. I was so glad to see them all. I wasn't sure how we'd do against them at full s... AL CARTER Providence is a fundamentally sound team. Coach Jim Martin was here to scout us. He probably didn't ... AL CARTER I talked to the guys about maximizing their opportunities. We missed seven or eight easy baskets in ... AL CARTER I think when we execute the way we did (Friday), we can beat anyone. It doesn't matter who. You've g... AL CARTER But we got a lot of good shots underneath the basket. AL CARTER We just didn't come up with a hit when we had runners in scoring position. We didn't hit the ball al... AL CARTER BRIAN CARTER BRIAN CARTER BRIAN CARTER BRIAN CARTER BRIAN CARTER So many things for me are unfortunate in the commercialization of something that is special. It'... CHRIS CARTER GRAYDON CARTER JIMMY CARTER My desires are simply I love to teach, I love to be in uniform, I love to throw batting practice, I ... GARY CARTER I would love to get back to the big leagues as a coach, possibly a manager. I would love that opport... GARY CARTER I tried the broadcasting thing, the coaching thing, but I'll never replace the competitive feeli... GARY CARTER There were probably a few games I played where I should not have played, because of some nagging inj... GARY CARTER To be 49 years old now and still be called The Kid, that's kind of special. GARY CARTER That's what every young kid thinks about when they first put on a uniform - is to play in the Ma... GARY CARTER It's kind of a tradition that you get a rookie, put him in the middle, wrap your arms and legs a... GARY CARTER I like mellow music. I like some jazz. But I'm not a big hard rock guy. GARY CARTER I remember many a time, going into someplace like Wrigley Field - where you could cut the humidity w... GARY CARTER There's a place in my heart for every team I played on. GARY CARTER I got that nickname my first spring training camp with the Expos in 1974. Tim Foli, Ken Singleton an... GARY CARTER Most people who are looking to get a handgun are going to get a carry permit. But most people don... DAN CARTER I'm the best Twitterer. DAN CARTER My life has been forged by middle class values: faith, hard work, deep respect for America and all t... DAN CARTER It's a complicated issue, and you can't boil it down in a tweet... two sentences cannot sum ... DAN CARTER I would support requiring an eligibility certificate for long-gun purchases because a permit gives t... DAN CARTER I know what a long shot race is like, and I'm willing to put the work in. DAN CARTER GRAYDON CARTER JIMMY CARTER There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the oth... HODDING CARTER I'm kind of a perfectionist about my songwriting. If I don't mean it, I don't think it&#... CARLENE CARTER My Smiths, my Carters, the Cashes - everybody embraced me and held my arms up when I couldn't do... CARLENE CARTER Whenever I get to a point I'm so tired that I forgot the verse of a song, I know I'm burnt o... CARLENE CARTER Eccentricity has never been discouraged in our family. CARLENE CARTER Basically, I grew up watching Carter girls on stage, watching my grandmother, my mom and my aunts pe... CARLENE CARTER I got into photography when my kids were little, and I continued talking pictures over the years. CARLENE CARTER It's a matriarchal family, the Carters. A.P. was the original head of the Carter family, but the... CARLENE CARTER Musically, I always wanted to experiment. CARLENE CARTER It's all for a reason and all happened the way it was supposed to happen. CARLENE CARTER I like to do one thing at a time and do it to the best of my ability. CARLENE CARTER I like things all shined up and rocking with hooky pop choruses. CARLENE CARTER My songs are about who I am. CARLENE CARTER If someone gets married at 15, they're either dumb or pregnant. I was both. CARLENE CARTER I started playing piano when I was 6, ukulele at 7. CARLENE CARTER I've had a few ditty hits. CARLENE CARTER I'm a bubbling brew of emotions, but mostly, I'm an optimistic person. CARLENE CARTER I love to be surrounded by nature. CARLENE CARTER I've always had wanderlust to try and do different things, but I always return to the music of t... CARLENE CARTER I've always been one to throw caution to the wind, and my motto has been, 'Never have a dull... CARLENE CARTER I believe everything falls into place as it's supposed to. CARLENE CARTER Grandma and Mama showed me that you always have to give as much as you can, no matter what. CARLENE CARTER I always have to just be myself. Anything else, I'm not happy, and it comes out musically. CARLENE CARTER There's something unnatural about losing a sibling when they're young. CARLENE CARTER Be yourself. And every person is unique. CARLENE CARTER If someone suddenly lost their director the day before shooting and wanted me to step in, I'd be... CARTER BURWELL JIMMY CARTER BRIAN CARTER BRIAN CARTER Faith enables persons to be persons because it lets God be God. CARTER LINDBERG ANGELA CARTER ANGELA CARTER He was going to go to the Institute of Art in Boston. He was going for music. He was going to be a p... ALICE CARTER Teachers are selfless, creative, warm people. ALICE CARTER The supplies that are appropriate for classroom use, we're making arrangements to have them picked u... ALICE CARTER The teachers were just shocked and saddened and we tried everything we could. The board tried to see... ALICE CARTER We've had daily donations (this year) since Jan. 2. We have that many regular donors. ALICE CARTER ALLY CARTER ALLY CARTER ALLY CARTER JIMMY CARTER ROSALYNN CARTER ALLY CARTER ALLY CARTER ALLY CARTER JIMMY CARTER ANGELA CARTER ANGELA CARTER ANGELA CARTER JIMMY CARTER JIMMY CARTER JIMMY CARTER JIMMY CARTER JIMMY CARTER
'I don't need brains,' says the billionaire contemptuously. 'I'm brainy enough m... 
I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. ... 
'St. Elmo's Fire' is one of my favorite films. I like the storytelling of those teenage ... 
I don't know if you know you're funny, but you enjoy being funny. I know I'm funny becau... 
Sometimes, comics will make the observation that it's not jokes that are funny, it's charact... 
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know... 
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. 
I seem to get into situations that make people laugh, but I don't consider myself that funny of ... 
I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, ... 
On 'Late Night,' it's like we're all in on the joke. That's what I wanted it to ... 
If something touches me, I cry. That's it. I'm a bit raw, a bit rubbish, really. Often, a di... 
I don't do plays without jokes anymore. I've retired from those plays. I think it's bad ... 
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' 
I don't think of my songs as sad songs. I think of them as vulnerable and honest. I crack jokes ... 
I'm just a regular boy who goofs around, pulls pranks, and makes jokes. I'm not Mr. Debonair... 
I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah i... 
My husband jokes that I'll invite people over for dinner and he won't know who they are or w... 
I've known Lisa Lampanelli for quite some time. We did the Shatner roast together. Lisa didn'... 
When I was a kid, I would do Andrew Dice Clay jokes for my siblings. Like, we'd be on vacation, ... 
I do sometimes wonder if people think, 'Oh we'll have her because she cries well.' The o... 
Jokes rot. They're not like songs. I always envy singers - Sting is always going to sing 'Ro... 
You'll never have any trouble with Mr. T, I'm just a big, calm teddy bear kind of guy. Mr. T... 
I guess my idea of a good audience is one that's quiet and listens, but also that's alive: t... 
I think one of my first jokes - in the black community, there's people who have jokes about skin... 
All I do is have fun. When I'm not working, it's about making people laugh. I love making jo... 
I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one. 
It's a difficult line to tread, where sometimes you go to the movies or you watch someone do pub... 
I'm a Macintosh nut. I got my PowerBook, so if I'm not writing jokes, I'm working on tha... 
The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky... 
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform... 
I'm pretty goofy. I laugh at my own jokes. 
I'm just really impressed by oil paintings - I don't see how people do it! That's the st... 
I don't care what straight people do, I don't care what gay people do. I don't care what... 
I don't like to be alone, but I do cherish the moments that I'm alone with a good book. 
There was a moment when I was watching Martin Lawrence and Will Smith in 'Badboys' that I fe... 
People make jokes about my bosoms, why don't they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It&#... 
That's what I do this for, to secure my family's future. I don't care about anything els... 
I can't tell a joke to save my soul. It's just not my thing, though I love to listen to joke... 
I always invest my own money in the companies that I create. I don't believe in the whole thing ... 
I'm just here and I'm doin' the best I can. If you don't understand that, then what ... 
I don't care who's playing. Even if it's my favorite artist, I'm probably not gonna ... 
I'm a fun person. I like cracking jokes and being completely nerdy. 
I'm very focused on what I do professionally, and I'm very focused on my family, and I don&#... 
I crack jokes and play games and that's really more my nature than being cold. 
I don't laugh so much at jokes and premises as I do at a guy who goes onstage and starts twitchi... 
I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh beca... 
If people don't like me for whatever I do, for being me, then that's too bad. I don't wa... 
I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but yo... 
I have a no-apology policy. No apologies for jokes. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ... 
I am more and more convinced that man is a dangerous creature and that power, whether vested in many... 
I don't feel that no big stone should be put over my head, saying he did this, he did that. Unle... 
At night we cry sometimes, and if you think that just applies to the females then you have never bee... 
Honestly, I'm cool with everyone, and people pick up on that. I'd say, 'I'm not gay,... 
I try to create some stupid entertainment for really smart people that they don't feel too stupi... 
When people say 'Lysistrata' has always been seen as an anti-war play, what's interestin... 
If I'm seeing you, you're going to influence me. I'm sorry - I'm just that way. I... 
The bottom line is that any business should be a meritocracy. The best and brightest. Period. 
We've got to use every piece of data and piece of information, and hopefully that will help us b... 
We try to create a situation where we're the casino. It's like how an actuary would set insu... 
We must adjust to changing times and still hold to unchanging principles. 
Arrogance, ignorance, and incompetence. Not a pretty cocktail of personality traits in the best of s... 
A fundamentalist can't bring himself or herself to negotiate with people who disagree with them ... 
It's surprising, but a lot of times we've had really talented running backs so once you get down to ... 
Hopefully we'll get a chance to make some plays around the end zone and we can get in there. 
We all have our 'good old days' tucked away inside our hearts, and we return to them in daydreams li... 
Unfortunately, after Sept. 11, there was an outburst in America of intense suffering and patriotism,... 
Mother goddesses are just as silly a notion as father gods 
Language is power, life and the instrument of culture, the instrument of domination and liberation 
Learn her skills, honor her sword, and keep her secrets. 
Because death is the only thing that could have ever kept him from you. 
If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can't accomplish it. You have to have confidence... 
...maybe it's only fitting that relationship that started with a lie would end with one. 
There are lots of things that you can brush under the carpet about yourself until you're faced with ...