My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.

You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd.

I have lived a carnal life.