On Friday, when I came in, we were doing jokes about being able to get out. Then it just started getting worse and worse and worse.

I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.

I didn't know that was a racial epithet. I thought it was a geographical designation.

I'm glad Reagan is president. Of course, I'm a professional comedian.

Comedy is defiance. It's a snort of contempt in the face of fear and anxiety. And it's the laughter that allows hope to creep back on the inhale.

Men are superior to women, for one thing they can urinate from a speeding car